so defeated and scared silly

[scaredsilly]

new thread. sorry i goofed up above.

just spoke with H. wished him a happy father's day. he's fishing with his daughter.

asked him if he had gone out of town because we have an agreement to tell each other if we do. he hadn't but it lead to an R discussion.

he says that my failure to do things with him really hurt him. he says that each time i turned him down, it was like a stab in the heart. he's afraid that if we were together again, i would do it to him again.

he also said that his IC has noted that sometimes people are nice because they are needy, i.e., my changes are to get him back and that i may revert back to the old me should he come back.

so, i'm up against the IC, too. sigh...

i was sending him daily emails with uplifting inspirational quotes. i know...not good DB'ing. i asked him if he feels them as pressure and he said, "yes and no." he says that he sees me being nicer and he knows i'm trying. but i think he does not feel it's sincere.

so, that being said, i sent him a final email:

"i sent the email below before i talked to you today. i'm grateful for you. i really don't want to hurt you anymore. i think you said that these "for today" emails might be putting pressure on you and i can see how they would.

so, i'm not going to try to give you pleasant thoughts for the day anymore. it's imposing my beliefs on you and that's not fair. i'm not stopping because i'm upset in any way. you are on your own journey and i'm on mine. maybe we'll cross paths again and our journeys will go along together.

where ever they go, i think we'll be better people when we get there."

a little more about our financial goings on, buying new cars, selling a piece of property and asking him to let me know when he knows anything about it.

then, i have to admit, i couldn't just leave it at that. my anxiety kicked in and i sent another (God help me) with this:

"one more thing and i'll let it go.

you say you don't miss the stab in the heart when i wouldn't do things with you.
you fear that it would happen again if we were back together.

maybe one day you'll ask me to do something?

i can't ask you. that would be pressure, i think.

maybe you would see that you didn't have to feel the stab in the heart? maybe you would begin to trust?

what if our lives could have been great together with some weekly health-check communications, agreements, friendship? maybe i would begin to trust?

it would be a shame to miss out on something that could be built up slowly to be a great love and life together because you didn't ask."

he told me that he's doing things without me and no longer misses me when he's doing them. that cut deeply because all the GAL stuff i'm doing, i always see him in the picture, enjoying it because it's all the things he wanted to do.

also (2x4's are going to start crashing down on me now), i attached two documents from the marriage builders site: "the policy of joint agreement" and "how to survive incompatibility".

more lousy DB'ing...

he did ask me how i would see our lives together for the next five years if we were back together. i replied that i'm trying to live one day at a time so five years is way out there but if i were to see five weeks into the future, should be be together, i would see us going dancing, enjoying adventures together, looking at each other and knowing a deep feeling of satisfation at making memories together.

there was more and it was really from my heart because this time apart has made me see that having a nice dinner ready for him but being too tired to go some place with him is not good for either of us or a relationship. having a spotless house or getting everything off my "list" for the day is not what is important.

any thoughts from anyone? i know i'm bad...