So here I am 10 days away from our much wanted 3rd child due to be born.
I am trying my best to remain detached and aloof and "happy" at our current unofficial arrangement. Most days I am my usual philosophical, pragmatic self. Today I am feeling beyond emotional, my heart is slowly being shredded. I can't seem to stop myself crying. The tears will dry and the smile will return before you come back from work.
All you see as you come "home" as you still call it and place your lunch box by the sink, your clothes in the laundry basket is me being "OK". Our amicable chatter, the banter with the kids, the smiles and looks at each other as DD does her funny girl act! You eat the food I cook for you, prepare yourself your next days lunch box. Wash your laundry, BBM your OW, sleep on the couch and borrow my car. All of this "as if". As if "I'm OK". As if the kids are OK. "As if" this is a perfectly normal situation.
Then you go back to the OW and see all your friends, the "happy go lucky guy" that you are. I do not know what tears me apart me the most;
What you have done over the last few years that I blindly put up with.
The projection of anger at me the last few months, every time it seems now that YOU had done something bad.
The leaving us - without "leaving us" and still not telling the kids straight.
The fact that you have blatantly plastered your new relationship on FB and that is how I discovered it, with six weeks to go before baby was due.
The fact that new friends and old (even ones that know me or I thought knew me) are giving you pats on the back for YOUR new found happiness. The horrible things you must have told everyone about me for them to believe what you have done is remotely acceptable given the current events that are happening.
And all the while when you are "home" it's as if everything is OK.
I hope one day you will realise that the happy new life you think you are creating for yourself now was all founded on lies. The friends new, the friends old and even your wonderful new relationship are all based on a lie. I know that at the moment you feel it is all truth, but in time you will discover that it was a false truth.
I will continue to try and understand and empathise with what you are going through, I hope one day you will understand the pain it took me to get there.
I am working towards GAL myself - actually I have been working towards that for longer than you will ever know, because you haven't been interested in my personal journey the last few years. I thought it was an epiphany I was experiencing now I see as you were progressing through your MLC, I was and still am progressing through a Mid-Life Transition. I have been heading towards a new improved me and I intend to keep to that track.
For right now, for survival, to give our baby an opportunity for it's father to bond, for our kids who are going to have to in the next few weeks transition from being two siblings, a mummy and a daddy to three siblings, a mummy and a weekend daddy, I have to continue as though this is a normal situation.
The man who left us is a stranger, someone I would never have cared to know, never mind love. Somewhere, lies the man I did love, the most wonderful person I could ever wish for. I hope he awakes from the coma he appears to be in and returns from wherever he is.
