Swimming with Turtles pt 2

[zig]

thanks vera for pointing out how considering h's feelings about me being around is letting h control what i do.

actually - i have been going to everything without hesitation - all the invitation at their home, all the school events, even the 40th b'day of our friend who's husband is h's closest friend right now. and all i see, is h looking more and more tortured in those situations.

what really makes me hesitate today is not h and what he might be feeling - i know it sounded that way - but what s is going through when h acts like that. i've never seen s look so miserable as he has the last couple of times the three of us were together in a social situation. and since then i have backed off.

but you're right - i'm just reading the co-dependent no more workbook this morning, and finding that my "obsessing" about every little thing is a sign of my co-dependency in this sitch.

i still don't know what i am going to do. one sentence really stuck out - that it's okay to take care of myself sometimes and make that first priority.

i am going through some kind of crazy emotional release this morning - i don't know what it is , but there is so much pain and i have been crying so hard, that there's no way i am even going to look half decent by 11.30 when it's time to go there. so that may decide it for me about not going. also woken up coughing and with a sinus infection above the tooth that was removed, which the dentist said would most probably happen so am feeling a bit miserable on top of that too.

this trip away over the weekend - there was a lot of growth and much more awareness - and i'm not really sure where i'm at right now - just sort of blindly feeling my way from one moment to the next.

all of this is about my own resistance to accepting what is happening. my going would be letting it go, my staying away is saying 'i don't like what you are doing - all of you" ( i realize i have issues with in-laws and even aunt and uncle who are going to be there - all to do with my judgement of how they conduct their own marriages)

^ is the crux of what i am really fighting with here- can i just surrender to this - because in the surrendering, and letting go of those judgmental feelings, then i am free to detach a little more, and be there, just enjoy them for who they are, get to spend time with s and leave with a peaceful heart.

that is my challenge for today, and one that i don't know if i'm up for.

we have a son and a very close knit family. they are all making it clear that they would prefer to go on as if for the most part like nothing has changed. for me to not co-operate is trying to teach them a lesson - see, this is how it will change - do you feel the pain yet? (deep down i know that in-laws and everyone else are in a lot of pain about this and hate what is going on)

to co-operate is to say - i respect how you want to do this and i am okay where i am, moving forward and staying detached

beattie writes in that book about when things feel really uncomfortable (as i clearly feel right now) that's where the lesson you need to learn lies, that's where the challenge for you to over come is. if you don't feel the discomfort, then you are doing more of the same that doesn't work (for yourself, in terms of codependency), and while i write all of this, i see my mind working through what i just read and realizing that the horrible discomfort i feel is the unease of letting go and surrendering into this - which in other words is dropping the rope just a little bit more.

so one more tiny step in my own little journey towards self-healing.

i'm so glad you wrote back to me - your words triggered off a reaction in me that helped me to see where my real struggle lies - it's always within ourselves, isn't it? it's actually immaterial how the others may feel about me going - it's only more important for me to inspect what my real reasons are for going or not going

thanks vera
and if it's overanalyzing - well that's where i'm at, and in some way it helps me to get to where i need to be

zig