Soulmates

[irishblessings]

Was just wondering if any of my trusted friends and confidants believe in the existence of a "soulmate"? Can someone (like the LBS) believe their X was their soulmate but the X not feel or believe it? In other words, can my X truly have been my soulmate if I wasn't his?

Promise I'm not losing it...just thinking...

[iluvme55]

I know my husband thought I was his soul mate. He showed me by the love he had for me......he was a very good husband and father I HAVE NO DOUBT THAT HE THOUGHT I WAS......I turly believe that.

[Kimmerz]

Hi IB,
the term "soulmates" can be tricky. I have a book called The One by kathy freston. She talks about relationships and how we're consistently trying to find our soulmate, but what we perceive a soul mate to be and what it really may be are two different things.

See we tend to think our soul mates are the absolute one and only, having everyting in common, ultimately compatibility, two peas in a pod, yada yada yada, you get my point. But the other states that believe it or not we can have one or more soulmate and what they're really here for is our growth and learning. If I remember right the most intense relationships we have are the biggest lessons, and are very well our soulmates.

I've also read that soul mates techinically are twin souls. One incarnates to earth to live a human life, and the other soul remains on the Other side in heaven.

Honestly, I've read alot of Sylvia Browne and some other authors in regards to life after physical death and life really in heaven. According to Sylvia Browne before we incarnate we choose important people to come into our lives as we're teachers to one another. We also have spirit guides and of course angels that protect us. People come into our lives for a reason and we never know it.

So to answer your question yes your X can be your soul mate, and you his. If you think about the journey's we've been on and have traveled due to being LBs's WAS, MLCers, you name it, look at the lessons put right before us. I have no doubt in my mind my X is my soul mate. Everything we've actually been through together, pushed me to learn about myself and it still does. He's been a teacher to me, and me to him. Plus we have our kids together too.

[AJM]

That's a tricky one in that the term has been around for so long now. It originated with Plato.

To me it really defines a feeling more than a thing. Was my ex and I very close? Very. Did we have a lot in common? Very much. Did we love each other very much? Yes. Oddly, she now puts the same effort into hating me. It was like a reversal of polarity in some ways. But I digress.

If you believe in the concept of soul mate, then the SC governor wasn't wrong to leave his wife and family after so many years since he discovered his "soul mate" in south america. My ex likely falls into that category as well, thinking she found her soul mate. If I would just disiappear like I never existed...

If you believe in one in a million, there are 60,000+ more just like you (and your ex) in the world.

I don't think great marriages are discovered as much as made so the idea of a soul mate worries me in that it would mean I wouldn't find another. I know that to not be the case in this world. I also know that if you both work at your marriage, it can feel so wonderful as to feel like you found your "soul mate"

My thoughts.
AJ

[greatwhitenorth]

I'm with AJ.

The idea of a soulmate gives some folks an excuse to not make the effort required to keep a marriage going and makes others lazy from the beginning.

As an aside, my mother-in-law said to me "I don't know, maybe he found his soulmate" in OW, just after she cut a cheque for 25k so that he could pay off his vehicle and walk away from our marriage.

No offense to anybody, but I think the idea of soulmates is bogus. Marriage takes commitment, effort and acceptance/embracing of the differences that make the world a fascinating and beautiful place.

[beatrice]

I think everyone has made some excellent points - I absolutely agree that marriage takes commitment and effort as well as a lot of love. Soulmate can be an excuse for ducking out of responsibility - MLCers are adept at twisting words and concepts to their own ends. Yet another reason for never ever arguing with them!

I do think that there are people to whom we are deeply attracted on every level of our being - and it certainly feels like a soulmate. However if we are co-dependent it can also feed into that.

I think my xh and I were well suited, very much in love, and had a deep connection. But I can live without him, even if I miss him, the person he was, not the strange man wandering around out there in his own reality. [His right btw, just saying]

What it has done is make me very very picky about the idea of anyone else. Not because I believe that there is only one [although there may be for some people] but because I don't want anything that feels less good to me, to fill any void.

The other problem with the idea of a soulmate [which part of me likes a lot] is that I am drawn to the idea that we complete ourselves, not another person. Another can complement us, but we need to validate and find contentment from within, not from being linked to someone else. Singleness has its own attraction, and is very counter-cultural. My kids think it is cool!! my 02

[Cadet]

So 28 years of marriage counted for NOTHING?

I think they made a decision everyday for that 28 years to remain married.
MLC hits and they 180 that decsion.

So now you are asking which was real and which was fake?

I think in 28 more years if nothing has changed then you will know the answer.

Anything earlier than that is FAKE.

My .02

[~ kd ~]

From a Darwinian perspective, there are only a handful at best of animals that mate for life. Humans are not one of them.

Marriage is a construct created by humans. It's purpose or original intention? Who knows? To increase two people's commitment to stay together through sociological paradigms?

Do I believe in a condition of an irresistible desire and drive to be with another, specific person?

Yes.

Do I believe that it is a permanent condition?

No.

Are Geese driven to find and be with their soulmate, not stopping until they find that ONE partner amongst a group of hundreds of millions by way of some devine or natural requirement?

I don't think so.

As far a humans? At 7 billion people on this earth, or even back when it was only a few hundred million...

I suspect that soulmate... is the same as making a choice of WHOM to love as a partner... or mate for life...

[~ kd ~]

Just to add, I think that Kimmer and AJ et al are making very important distinctions regarding the origination of the term soul mate as first brought about by Plato, by way of Aristophanes.

Are they talking about love?

The modern day interpretation may be more akin to the human desire to find a deep, meaningful, intimate connection, or love, with another.

I'd submit it exists within us.

I'd further submit and agree with Cadet that it's existence would be a choice...

The purpose?

Perhaps, as Kimmer describes as discussed by way of her reading, that it is potentially the desire of humans, for growth...

So is the question really... are soul mates... life mates...?

[irishblessings]

These are GREAT perspectives! Very, very helpful.

I probably don't get very philosophical with my beliefs - I am probably more pragmatic. I allowed myself to become 110% devoted to my X - no looking back. I chose to have him as my best friend and confidant. I chose to love every second of good and work through every moment of bad. I chose to believe that words he spoke and wrote were truths.

I think I am trying to learn from these choices because at some point I missed the signs. Now I don't know what were truths and what were lies. I am not sure how you move on into developing new relationships if you don't know the signs.

Does this make sense or does it sound like babble?