My DB Coach (immediately after bomb drop) told me I have to compete against OM. Little did we realize that it was already "too late."
I saw this quote recently from Mr Bond on another thread.
"You don't "compete" against OM. She has to prove that she's worthy of you. Not the other way around."
He articulated perfectly my gut instinct. I need to have this tatooed on my forarm.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Just realized, tomorrow is my one year anniversary.... of the big D. Another first for Pickle. Guess I should change the handle, no longer "in a pickle". How about "Survivor"? Nah too common.
Okay here's a question. As time goes by, XW is slowly acting a little less weird. She actually said "Hey" when she entered the room a couple times. But that's not the question.
The other night we were in line at the concessions while taking the kids to see MIB-3 and our elbows brushed. I actually kinda got the heebie jeebies and withdrew. I still shy away from her personal space and, God forbid, touching her. Does this mean I subconsciously hate her or something, 'cause I really don't feel it???
pic
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
So - on the one year anniversary of the divorce: I got my master bedroom back.
We rearranged the kid's rooms, gave S13 the queen and moved the twins back into D18's room. XW is rooming with her now.
I had been sleeping in the living room for about a couple of months because S13 couldn't handle my snooring, and I actually liked having my own "room" to sleep in better than bunking with S13.
But a couple of weeks ago XW suggested she move into D18's room since D18 was getting ready to go to college. I never once brought up our previous agreement that XW was supposed to move out upon D18's HS graduation. I didn't want to start that discussion, because I really don't give a $hit anymore that she's here. So if I did bring that up, it would be purely out of something negative, spite or vindication or whatever. I don't want to be that person. She'll move out when she's ready, and not because I pushed.
I get the impression she's not ready to "give up her home" and may be that's why she's been warming up a little - just guessing (no I'm not mind reading).
I know, I know, send the 2x4's. I didn't take anyone's advice about keeping the date, but it's actually not on paper. The settlement mentions co-habitation until mutal agreement to seperate, and all that really points to is calculating child support. So in a sense I'm "using" XW to co-parent at close quarters and not drain me financially right now - sounds cold, I know.
She remains in the tunnel or fog or whatever you want to call it, but I believe she will learn the lessons of divorce as life presents them and not from me. I still believe life's lessons are a metaphyical certainty.
I'm just trying to do my best for the kids and a little perhaps for her.
Anyway that's the update in pic's saga.
One more thing: D18 decided she's not going to begin summer semester at UF - feeling rushed - so she'll start in the fall.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I've been reading a lot about MLC on the archive forum, and I can identify a lot of MLC "symptoms" for lack of a better term, in my XW the last five years or so, depression, dissatisfation, etc. and more recently, bucket lists, umpteen weight loss programs etc. and I could go on and on.... BUT....
I read in one of JTB's posts that one difference between MLC and plain ol' WAS syndrome is that the WAS is "done" with the M fairly quickly, files for D in little time and goes off on their merry way, whereas the MLC'er usually drags things out in confusion for a long period.
So while I recognize aspects of MLC in XW, she did in fact file three months after bomb and it all happened like the snap of a finger. She appeared very decisive and determined.
Is this some mishmash combination of the two?? Is that even possible? 'cause I've seen the term "full blown" MLC bandied about. Can you have "half blown" MLC??
Pic.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
In matters of the heart or mind there are very few absolutes.
So, you're saying it could be a mismash.
Originally Posted By: labug
And would it make a difference in what you are doing?
The only real difference is whether or not there exists that proverbial "fog" or "tunnel" for XW to someday emerge from.
If she's just plain done, and who she is now is who she's ever gonna be, then I inch closer to quitting in the context of my signature comment.
No point in standing is what I mean.
Thanks for the respose, Pic
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
To delve into it, not all WAS want out immediately or opportunistically. There's often a plan and time line.
Someone who is simply unclear of what they want may not be MLC. Or if anything, it is mild MLC. Or, it could be WAS in transition. We all have life transitions where we are trying to review our past, check our current, and consider possible course corrections... of which we may or may not yet know what those course corrections may be...
Things are pretty much status quo. Get this. XW spends father's day weekend "out of town." Nice!
We still don't talk about anything other than the kids and sometimes needed groceries
Funny thing is, she doesn't say when she's going to buy stuff. A couple times we've duplicated grocery items, but I just don't even bother to bring it up. She has a way of interpreting or twisting things around, so I just don't.
Had a good summer camp trip with S13 and the BSA. Spent the first week of July in the north GA mountains, swimming and whitewater rafting and stuff. I was lamenting to some of the other dads that S13 has really been slacking off on his scouting advancement and merit badges, but they set me straight. He's had a rough year; let him slide. And it's evident. We're under the same roof, but we far from resemble a real family.
In fact the day we got back, XW was treating herself to a hotel room at the beach. D18 wasn't answering her phone so after a few hours I decided to call XW and say "where is everybody?" She picked up the phone with a cold "yes?" Told me D18 was at work and she was at the beach. It struck me when we pulled in to the rendevious with all the other scouts how all their mothers and fathers were there waiting to see them and doling out the hugs and chatter, but S13 and I had no one.
Praying that night, I sensed God telling me XW was still deep in the "fog" and I should let it go. So that's that.
She still frets money issues and felt the need to tell me that the new school she's teaching at was not paying her thru the summer, because she wasn't there long enough. I didn't offer any sympathy. I feel like anything I say to her will either be taken the wrong way or just wasted. None of this validating or active listing and crap for me; I've had it.
My signature below has a saying - I am close if not already there.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
So D18 participates in a Teen Miss pagent this past weekend, you know, trying to win a little money for college. She didn't win the thing but did well in several catagories, winning enough to reoup her inventment and then some.
Anyway, XW approaches me last nite about how she and D18 were practicing for the pagent interview questions and describes her disapproval with D18's answer to: How do you like to spend time with your family. D18 says: Well, since my parents are divorced, we dont hang out anymore to just watch TV and stuff, I just like to hang out with the family. XW blurts out: problem is D18's been "hanging out" with her friends all summer and is never home.
I didn't say anything of course, but she obviously failed to grasp the obvious. From D18's perspecvtive, she doesn't want to hang out with a mom and dad who can barely stand to be in the same room where you can cut the undercurrent with a butter knife. I felt like yelling at her "We're not a fvcking family anymore, that's why !"
XW also complained to me about another one of D18's interview answers to a questions about an embarassing moment. She honestly couldn't think of anything off hand since this was an unexpected question, so she described something which took place in the third grade where her mother embarassed her.
Again, I didn't "respond" to the complaints, but I can see she cannot get past how things are still about her and she's suprised and hurt, even by innocent words from D18, who is obviously trying her best cope with the divorce of her parents.
XW just doesn't fvcking get it.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
