Thank you so much Zig. I like the whole feeling it completely and then moving a teeny tiny step forward. I feel like every month I say goodbye once again.
S told me that H had to finish moving his stuff by Monday. I guess him moving in just seemed more final. And every day every month there's another finality. Sometimes I feel like the worst thing I did was tell him I was having second thoughts because I just feel silly these days that he knows, thinks I can't handle hearing about his new life, and I am rejected. I'm trying to come terms with all of it and just shut the door.
I know that we talk a lot about knowing when you're ready to be done. I feel like I've held the door open and rolled out the red carpet and he's formed a serious relationship with someone else on such a careless manner that it made me feel disrespected and as if our M wasn't important. I understand this is probably how he felt just after we split. I suppose the difference is I'm now not using that as resentment. Whereas he said you slept with someone while we're separated that's it for me. I just think I'm here, but I'm not plan B.
Last night I thought about what it would like..he would have to first move out of her place, get his own, be responsible, independent, transparent, we'd have to date, rediscover each other, safeguard to ensure we kept our identities. And I think would all that really happen. And if it did we'd need to work on communication, the sexual issues, without the rosy glow of projecting onto a new love is he the man I want?
I really hate this. It's hard to believe the best about a person when everyday the actions say otherwise. Everyday he chooses his new life with her and not to have a friendship with me.
I was never going to send her an email. I don't know why I think that sometimes. I guess because I get tired sometimes of being the bigger person.
