My husband and I have been married for 4 1/2 years. No children. We've been through our ups and downs, he's left me twice before, only to come back less than a week later. He was in the military for 4 years, and we survived 2 deployments. One where he was sent to a combat zone and suffered a seizure. He has a lot of regret and sadness over what he had to do while overseas, and I believe suffers greatly from that. He used to be so open with his feelings, and now every emotion is anger. Sadness, frustration, loneliness, hurt, all come out as anger. But, I digress...
Our relationship wasn't what it could have been. We were constantly fighting, both of us stuck in a rut. Not going anywhere. In May he said we needed a divorce, I cried, pleaded, and begged. He said he was going to move out and we'd take things slow. Date again, build the relationship up and start new.
Shortly after he told me that he had an opportunity for work in his home state, about an hour from where his sister lives. He would be there for a short time, then return home. A week and a half later he revealed the truth, he had actually took a permanent transfer down there. He had no intention of coming home or being with me. He was living with his sister. He wanted a divorce. He told me he still loved me, but didn't want to love me. There was no hope for our marriage. (I might as well add this in here, I truly do not believe he has been unfaithful.)
I was heartbroken, and we talked. Again he said that we would work on things. Take things VERY slow. We had tentative plans to meet up soon, kind of to rekindle and see how it would go. I was upset a few times and turned to him, he always told me that we were communicating and it was okay and he loved me. We were working on it. He truly was trying. He is still paying part of the rent here, as I cannot pay it all myself. He also pays my car insurance and cell phone bill. I offered to transfer it to my name, he said I didn't need to worry about it.
Then I got pushy. He tells me that I need to relax, that I don't need to talk to him all of the time to be okay. That if he didn't answer right away, it wasn't because he was ignoring me it was because he was busy and he would get to me when he could. I pushed the relationship thing, the moving back together thing. We got into an argument about it on Thursday. Friday he sends me a message and tells me he's having doubts. We talk a little bit, I tell him it's okay to have doubts. It's okay to be scared, but you can't let that control you. He tells me he hopes he doesn't keep feeling that way and that he loves me.
I'm just... sick. I'm confused. I don't know where we stand and I don't know how to make this any better. He tells me he loves me every day. He texts me, and when we talk on the phone he's always talking non stop. I just try and listen. I'm really trying to back off, but it's hard. It's so hard when all I want to do is to scream at him to make a choice, and choose me.
I'm just sick to my stomach all of the time. I don't know where else to go, I don't know what to do. I'm so afraid I'm going to mess up and say/ do the wrong thing and push him away. It's torture. He says he is still wearing his wedding ring. He isn't interested in other women. When we talk, it does turn sexual sometimes. It's one of the ways we connect the best, and one of the most neglected parts of our marriage.
I don't even know if we still have plans to get together... either him come up here or I go down there. I would prefer to see him down there, as I feel there is a lot of negative feelings in our home. Should I just let him bring it up?
What do I do? I'm so lost and scared and I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. Any wrong step and he could be gone forever. Please, any advice you can give me would be amazing.
