Thanks everyone....I have gotten some really good advice from you guys. It has helped a lot today. I think sometimes saying "I understand" is a reflex....almost like filler when someone is expressing that they are having a hard time. You guys are right - I really don't understand 100% what she is going through right now. There are some common threads that run through our suffering (missing son, etc.) but there is more that is unique. Over the months, I have gotten better at listening and validating - but there are some finer points that I think I need to work on.
Sometimes, I feel as if I said "that sounds really hard, you must be having a hard time" - it would come across as disingenuous on some level. I doubt if that is how it will be taken - but that is how I feel at times. Need to have some blind faith in the fact that it isn't being read that way.
Notwithstanding, I do see how "I understand" can be read as a bit self-centered. Believe me, I am not handing anything her way that could be seen as guilt. I know that would be a critical error and I know she feels guilty....months ago she said "I feel guilty for putting our family through this".....months after that she texted "I'm sorry for causing you all of this pain".
I guess for me it is hard to rationalize her just now coming to the realization that reality does not comport with the life she wanted from this. From day one it seemed like where she is now was an inevitable place. Odd thing is....she is just ONE week into the "full time summer parent" gig and this is where she is. I worry about how the rest of the summer will go.
Oddly enough, lately I have been feeling really good. The whole "one day at a time" approach has been amazingly helpful. If I tell myself that I only have to make it through THAT day, I seem to do fine. Someone once said "Life's a cinch by the inch and a trial by the mile"......yep, that seems to be true for me now.
Had a great day with the boy today. We kind of lazed around the house (it's STUPID hot outside here) and ran a few errands. He took a nap and then we went for pizza and back home to swim. He loves the water....we have a salt water pool and it really relaxes the body/muscles. He will sleep like a log!
Thanks again everyone....VERY helpful today. I am thankful for this board and the kind souls here.
