Lost

[bustorama]

Yeah, it is good when you start realizing all the ways you dropped the ball in the past. Keep doing that homework.

I was just like you, my W would BEG me to go work out with her, go to a spin class, etc. I would totally miss the point that she was trying to connect with me and beg off by telling her to leave me alone I wanted to play on the computer. Great, huh?

Your plan to see IC is great. What do you see as some of your goals going in?

Re: the being distant and not connected, it was probably not just that you weren't connected to W, but also that you were not connected to D (and maybe other people in your life). So a 180 for you is definitely to be less distant to be someone that wants to be more connected with people around him.

As a starting point, really focus alot of attention on your D. Get out and do new things with her, reconnect with her, spend lots of time with her doing interesting and exciting things, talking or coloring with her or arts and crafts or sports if she likes that. What does she like to do?

In terms of your W, the problem is that she is in an A so if your boundary involves that, then you can't be seeking out connection with her. It's your own question of enforcement re: how dark you intend to be with her. One end of the spectrum is absolutely zero/zilch no contact. That you won't share ANY of yourself with someone that is cheating on you. If that's your boundary, then enforce it.

It is possible to be pretty intimate with someone without talking to them just by being open and honest with them. Like if she were to call or try to talk to you, just you sharing that you really wish you could listen to her and talk to her, but you can't under the current circumstances speaks volumes.

Re: her interpreting your actions as accusation/etc. she will see things this way for awhile based on past interactions. Don't try to argue her out of her feelings. If you ever do say anything about a misinterpretation like that, you do it by validating:

"Oh, W, it sounds like you heard that I was criticizing you, is that right? I can totally see how you would feel that way based on how things were when we were together."

And if she says yes, you could try to make amends for hurting her in the past by criticizing her.

"I'm sorry for hurting you like that by being critical." but not in order to get a response, just to say you are sorry for it (if you are).