from the WAS to being walked away on

[25yearsmlc]

Kafe,

I had never though of that...what IF he had been having a great day?

Odd how despite any barriers he puts up, he never hours more than a few days without contacting me for some reason. That is one positive. When he does make contact, I am never rude. Feeling matching is an old habit I have finally let go of.

It doesn't matter how nasty he gets, I will not base my reactions or quality of life on them. I don't even bring them up. I never even brought up the divorce papers I was served, and I don't ever see a need to.

Agreed. What's to say if you have lawyers to say it for you? And I believe in using the L's as shields so if he brings up a financial/legal matter you then "defer" to the L's to "let them work it out." I assume you have one, right?

Anytime there are assets OR CHILDREN you'd be nuts not to have representation...


I am committing to DB, but not with the intent of saving my marriage. I like the person I am becoming and DB techniques are a great life skill. I see every interaction with h as an opportunity to sharpen those skills.

saving yourself first is, to me, the First Goal of DBing. We want to save marriages, if we can, but not at all costs...you seem to have the right attitude here.


One thing I am aware of is that while I know how to behave right now, I am unprepared as of how to act should he open up again. Thanking him for his openness is a start...

that's all you have to DO right then. You'll "need time to process that information" and trust me, you will. He could change his mind the next day or week.

You'll want a lot of certainty that he's really changed and committed to change. ONe sign of that on both your parts is whether you'd go to Retrovaille, the weekend retreat for marriages in crisis.

OW would have to be gone first but that is THEIR (ie Retrovaille's) condition to place, not yours.


He said he tried to come back to me, which I guess in his eyes is true. Mind you it was after I walked in on him and ow. He wanted back out of fear, not add a man who had done some soul searching that left him with a new commitment to his m.


How do you KNOW this^^^??

As much as I love him I can not be in a relationship with the man that he is right now. The man I will come back to is:

1. Rrspectful of women. Does not take them for granted or use them add a distraction from reality of the sitch
2. Not having any inappropriate contact with ow, who happens to be his boss (till Nov, when he gets out of the army)
3.willing to commit to the m and can openly honestly communicate

What am I doing to help foster these changes?
1.not allowing myself to be one of the women he disrespects
2.being patient
3.non reactive to his behaviors

What type of woman will you be, to earn all this? I mean, I see some things, but not enough specifics.

Can you list some specific changes you are making that make you a woman only a fool would leave?


I think that stuff might get dissected and thrown everywhere, but in that case I need it. One thing I know I need is advice on what to do should he open up again. I feel it's inevitable and don't want to do anything destructive.

Then listen to him, tell him you need time, and wait til sufficient time has passed for you to know something, either way.

It's telling that when You told him you would file to give him a heads up, then he beat you to the punch the next day. That means he probably already had a lawyer...correct?

So He's a long way from owning his stuff b/c that reeks of "gotcha" and very immature score keeping. But then, wasn't your real goal to "wake him up"?
When I filed for a sep (to protect our assets b/c my h was about to "invest" with his heroes on the tundra)....so my h's first reaction was to give himself permission to date...talk about unexpected...but time passed, and so did that...

Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth. Meaning, don't make it harder for him to come home than it already will be.

If you never saw forgiveness growing up, and I had not, it's a learned skill. What are you doing to learn how to forgive?


Regardless of whether you reconcile, letting go is crucial to YOUR well being. I think you know this and I say Kudos to you. You're a fast learner.

Decide if you really can do the forgiveness thing, b/c if you cannot forgive, which requires letting go of this, then this is a pointless time consuming endeavor.

I'm not judging you if you can't let it go. It's just too hard for some. But if it's true, then own it. Do NOT make the mistake of staying married only to stay miserable. That's a lousy legacy to leave your descendants.

My GUESS, and I make this based only on this thread, is that your h felt that it was easier to hook up w/OW than to meet your list of grievances when you were the WAW. Any truth to that?

How long was your list of what he did wrong?

Was it like climbing MT Everest? Your list ^^^ there, is very vague imo and I think men in particular want concrete steps they can take to measure their progress and a lot of feedback. I'd want specifics if I were in the running to be your mate.

What is his Love Language (I'm assuming you have read "The Five Love Languages" book, which I recommend to ALL couples.)

If it looks too hard or amorphous to meet your needs/demands,

OR if the WAS (him, now)

feels that no matter what he does, the affair will be held over his head or thrown in his face at your whim, (even if he's wrong to believe that), he won't come back.

What would happen if he feared losing you to OM? I'm only asking.

FWIW I don't see him ending up w/OW b/c she does not sound as if she will be very available to be his wife#2

Surely it'd be a much much bigger mess than he is aware of.

Seems he won't let go of one vine to grab another, like a monkey who can't choose, so he'll keep swinging...

As for "ready for sex but not a R" although I laughed when I first read it, and rolled my eyes, I also thought, "well, that might be how HE feels connected."

for MANY men, that's true. Does not make it easy or "right" but it's more understandable. He wants some connection with you for sure...

hang in there...did you read the 'Rules for Newcomers"? They may help you.