Thank you, ladies! Your validation means a great deal. In the past, I would never have pushed him this far because he would have walked out the door, accusing me of being too controlling or crazy, etc. Once I realized that he's not coming back and, actually, I don't want the current person back I feel much freer to speak my mind. I do still doubt myself at times though. It's been hard to ignore his "truth."
What an emotional roller coaster today was. I really have a hard time staying steady when I'm tested. I wish I were stronger and more detached, but I'm just not there yet. I am so much better though. I stood my ground today and didn't break down and cry until I starting praying with my son this evening. When I asked God to forgive me for being angry and to remember the real, hurting person behind the rant the tears flowed. I needed that cleansing badly. I feel peaceful now.
I came cross this article and just had to post the link. It's about why depressed men leave and is written by a man who shares his own journey with depression and destroyed marriages. Within the article are three links to his earlier segments. Make sure to read all of them.
It's one of those articles that makes my heart race as it so completely describes my H and what I perceive his inner turmoil to be like. After reading it I want to take action to fix him and us, but as the author points out there is nothing that a spouse can do. I will just continue to thank God for more understanding and ask that I continue to remember the man who is hurting and not focus on the behavior that causes so much pain.
golf mom, Thanks for posting the website. It's a very good one and what is posted there is very accurate. He's right...there is absolutely nothing we can do for them.
How are you doing today?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Golf mom~ I'm glad you posted this.... good timing.... I've been asking God for more understanding, and an extra helping of empathy, it's been harder lately, but reading this has helped. Thank you.
I'm doing well, snodderly. I continue to feel peaceful. Today has been hard for my boys. A year ago we had planned to spend Father's Day at the US Open (We live nearby and are huge golf fans. My oldest plays competitively on several junior tours and has played at the Olympic Club.) as we have done several times in the past. It's painful remembering how happy we were. Instead, we're watching the tournament on tv and are making the most of the day. The boys really do understand what has happened to their dad. They know he didn't leave because of them or me. Leaving was his choice. They know he is depressed and isn't working on his real issues. I know not everyone would agree with my decision to share information with the boys, but because I have they, like me, feel love and compassion for a hurting person. I believe because they understand they will be able to forgive their dad should he ever want to get help and make amends.
hrm134, I'm so glad that the article was helpful. It's one of the better ones that I have read. I seem to need constant reminders (thank you, snodderly!) that this is not about me (although I am not blameless) or the marriage, but my H's painful past. It is incredibly hard to stifle my need to fix him, but the knowledge I gain is for me and others that are on the same journey. All we can do is pray for patience and ask that God continue to work on our WS's. We have to go on, though so very hard.
So true Golf Mom, so true! That fixer/helper/whatever you want to call it, in us is soooooo hard to keep quiet! Especially being right here on the outside of the crisis, seeing exactly what is going on and thinking, gee, if only they would get help or do x, y and z they would feel so much better. It all seems so obvious from the LBS point of view, I can't imagine how confusing/scary it must be from MLC stand point, and it doesn't help that they mask everything to look like it's ok, so sometimes it's hard to remember they are in a world of confusion etc. I try to remember how faulty my thinking was when I was depressed, it helps with the empathy, but still it's hard some days, just want to shake him and say get some help, it will do a world of good for you and is NOT a sign of weakness! Then I think about the childhood issues needing to be dealt with.... and boy with H's dysfunctional family he could very well be in crisis forever, they are very avoid, avoid, avoid and then talk behind each others backs. But I will continue to pray.... it's the best ammo ever.
GM, Just wanted to let you know how helpful I found the website you posted, too.
Thanks you so much for this. It's helped me as much as anything I've read so far.
After nearly 10 months, I still have the feeling that this can't be happening to me. But reading those posts about depression really opened my eyes about what my H - and I - are going through. And it gave me a sense of 'why', which allows some closure for me.
So, thanks to you, I am out of the terrible funk that I've been in for the last couple of days.
NLW, I am so glad that the website was helpful. I can relate so well to how you feel. I was completely blindsided by my H. One day we were a normal family and literally the next he was gone. What I didn't know is that he likely had been having conversations in is head about all that was wrong and was detaching. Having answers provides clarity and provides some peace, but at the same time I know that my boys are suffering because my H doesn't know what's happening to him. I have answers that he needs, but can't share. After backsliding a number of times I really do know that I can't help him and to try and do so will only prolong his crisis. So the information is for me, my boys and for anyone else who finds it helpful. It helps me to keep my heart open so that I don't become angry and bitter. Believe me, I've had my moments, but they fade with reflection and prayer.
But I will continue to pray.... it's the best ammo ever.