I really need advice. While S12 was staying with my parents he made plans to see my H today. My son knows that he needs to consult with me first since I may have plans that he is unaware of. I found this out an hour before my H was going to pick my son up. After calling several times my H finally called back when he was on his way here. I calmly explained that we were busy all weekend and that I wasn't consulted when the plans with him were made. I then ended the conversation. A few minutes later he sent a text to my son asking what our plans were. In order to keep my son out of it I called my H and asked him what it was that he wanted to know. He said he was trying to figure out if we really had plans or if I was just saying that. I told him that I don't have to answer to him. I told him if he wants to be a committed father and take the boys for a weekend that would be fine, but it's not ok to fit them in for a few hours during the day, but keep his evenings free. I am not a babysitter. He doesn't just get to decide that he's done being a father for the day and drop them back off with me. This has been a huge problem. The last few times my son was out with him I received a phone call that either he wanted to be picked up or that he had already been dropped off. This just can't continue. I also told him he needed to be truthful with the boys about his life. If he doesn't want to be with them for more than a few hours then he needs to explain it to them. I no longer want them to have to come to me. It puts me in the middle and I don't have any answers. I just know that he is not putting them first. My H accused me of wanting to know what he's up to. That may have been true at one time, but I told him that I was more than done with him and that's the truth. At the end of the call he said "you have completely lost your mind" and then hung up. This is so typical. When he doesn't get his way he says you're crazy, you're dillusional, as always you don't know what you're talking about, etc. I feel like he's being abusive by saying those things. He has done this our entire marriage when I voice my opinion or stand up for myself. He may not agree, but why the need to accuse me of being crazy, etc.
For so long I believed that I was asking for too much or there was something wrong with my way of thinking. I was too afraid of being abandoned to really stand up for myself so allowed this. Now that I am I get more of the same. Why in his mind is there always something wrong with me? Why doesn't he have the ability to see that he's being hurtful and abusive? Is this some kind of disorder? I really can't remember a time when he gave a heartfelt apology for anything. He has been wrong so many times, but he puts his energy into arguing that it's my fault because I don't know what I'm talking about, etc.
My focus completely shifted after he told me that he would no longer put the boys first. I was and am absolutely disgusted by that. I will no longer allow him to disrupt my weekend by picking either of the boys up for a few hours when it suits him. He doesn't get to just drop them back off with me because he needs to move on to other plans or he can't figure out what to do next. I have allowed that for six months while I stuffed my feelings. I just won't do it anymore. It really is time that he realizes his actions have consequences. The day he left to find "peace and happiness" he abandoned his children. I just don't see it any other way. I've tried to understand it. I've prayed for guidance, etc. I've tried to stand for my marriage. I'm just done. I have nothing left. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of having to erect boundries to protect myself. I'm tired of all the blame and spewing. Oh, how I wish I could leave and find peace and happiness without considering anyone else or my responsibilities.
So, what am I missing? Am I simply still too attached and that's why I get so rattled or do I have a screw loose?
