NRTS (Not Repairable at This Station) 2

[WenikiTiki]

I will say now what they say in Bali: Ubud is a mood. Now you know how to say Ubud, it rhymes with mood. But under no circumstances go to the monkey forest.

Last night my STBXH was playing his silly games. He was messing with his phone and I asked him had OW and him made up. He told me that was his business. I reminded him that he had told me a week ago when she "Broke up" with him. And then I told him I don't understand why he does this stuff.

And he said I needed to know she was mad so I would be prepared for her to bombard me with texts and emails. And the next day he told me she had sent him tons of mean nasty emails and texts. I guess I only need to know when he doesn't have another soul in the world to talk to.

Anyway my anger was supreme. I am an idiot! I keep letting him suck me into his, and her, little games. My whole dating career, starting in 4th grade with the first boy who wanted to 'go steady' had never had the kind of childish drama being played out in front of me.

I dated several different guys. And even my most intense relationship broke up with very little fuss. (I told him to leave my house, I was 19, and I reminded him on his way out to take his weed eater with him....)

It is almost like my STBXH is loving all this fussing and fighting. Anyway...... Many smart people on here have told me what to do. And I keep trying to do it. And it is so hard.

But right now, this minute, I have much strength. I have been reading abut a Hindu goddess from their mythology. Her name is Akhilandeshvari. It means female goddess who is never not broken. She is always broken, and while broken is looking inside at all the broken parts and is stronger for being able to see inside and reinvent herself for the next part of her life.

But she is still always broken and able to gain strength and do it again. And she rides a crocodile, which kills its prey by snatching it off the river banks and spinning it to utter confusion. She and the crocodile are also sometimes described as being prisim like. Taking light and changing it into something different, more beautiful, a spectrum of colors.

So as I am going through this process I am feeling the never not broken part. And I am finding strength in it.

And yesterday I thought about the fact that I am clutching a measely little crust, when life is trying to hand me a lovely ham sandwich.

Aloha,

Wendy