Crimson....just checkin' in.

[LITB]

Crimson,

I think you did very well during your interactions with your W today. Enjoy your weekend with your S.

[Crimson]

Thanks for weighing in guys. It feels kinda like she is entering a new phase all of a sudden. Or at least I am being made aware of this new phase - maybe she has been here for a bit. I wish I could help and my heart goes out to heart. *SIGH* I still care for her and hate to see her hurting....again, I know there is nothing I can do. She has to figure this one out on her own. Still in need of insight/guidance in this new phase. After picking him up yesterday I never heard back from her.....till this morning. I was in bed and this text exchange happened:

W: How's my baby boy?

Me: We're all good over here! How are you?

W: Just get the wind knocked out of me with grief some days. Just grieving the life I had wanted for S and I.

Me: I understand. I do too at times. I know it must be hard for you - doing it on your own is tough. It breaks me down sometimes.

W: I don't think you've ever parented 5 or 6 days (no school) by yourself. It is single parenting for sure. I wish I could move home to at least have my parents. I am stuck here.

Me: We can do the best we can to help each other. That's why I left work yesterday and picked some dinner up for you. I know you were stressed and it was all I could do. Regardless, I am not minimizing your feelings. It hurts, it's sad and we both hate it.

Seems like she is still struggling. I just don't understand the notion of "grieving the loss of the life she wanted for herself and S". Maybe my ego can't accept that life with me is such a bad option that she would rather languish in the pain she is in right now. And when she says she is "stuck here" - that makes me sad and nervous. I fear that she will try to leave for IA with him and break us all apart. Legally that would be too expensive for her and damn near impossible - but still it causes worry.

LITB - does this sound like parts of your W and your sitch, too?? Kinda feels like it based on all your threads. How in the hell do I deal? How did you handle wanting to help your W out of love and concern versus keep a safe distance and moving on with your life? Any WAWs have an idea what she is going through? What IS this stage??? Hell - is it even a stage at all??

An hour or so later she texts me -

W: Helping with campaign this AM. Dream Act! (big deal here in AZ). Can you send me a pic of S?

Me: (I send picture) Being a total squirrel this morning!

W: You are? Is he teething?

Me: Har Har! He is cutting more teeth in the front for sure.

W: Maybe that's why he's whiny?

So it was like she completely got over what she was feeling earlier. Why is she telling me all of this when she knows that I don't want this divorce?

In search of insight......confused. Going out to GAL with S today.

Crimson

[scaredsilly]

I think your responses to her were perfect! It sound to me (no expectations her) as if she's cautiously feeling you out...?

Keep doing what you're doing: keeping your boundaries while validating and showing empathy.

I'm happy fo you.

[Crimson]

You sure have a better interpretation than I, SS. To me it sounds as if she is grieving because we will never be a family again.....like she has given up. I guess I say that because she knows I would be willing to work on things. Guess there is still a long way to go.

Crimson

[25yearsmlc]

You sure have a better interpretation than I, SS. To me it sounds as if she is grieving because we will never be a family again.....like she has given up. I guess I say that because she knows I would be willing to work on things. Guess there is still a long way to go.

Crimson

geez Crimson...I'm really trying. But guess what?

I cannot think of a more negative spin to put on that then you just did....

[Crimson]

Bah - I know, 25. In my head as I was typing that I could almost sense you recoiling in some combination of horror and disgust. I think I "go there" because I am doing my best to have as little hope as possible and when I see her second guessing herself (or doing what SEEMS like second guessing herself) I start thinking positively in a sense......setting myself up for a fall.

How do you read it? I am having a difficult time seeing straight in this stage. I haven't strayed from my script much - just not used to seeing these behaviors from her.....

Crimson

[Crimson]

.....she has never expressed any desire to leave the state before.....that kinda freaked me out a bit. THAT is why is said it seems like she is just giving up completely.

[25yearsmlc]

legally won't she need your consent to leave the state?

Did she really believe you'd be okay with that?

I think You are allowed to ask her if she ever thinks of how YOU feel in all this. B/c talking about leaving the state sounds a lot like a threat to some people.

No- Not to me in this sitch b/c I think she's whining about not being able to go, legally,

and just having a bad day and thinking of all people who knows what it's like to have a hard day with s2, it would be YOU.

Lay off the "I understand" and say "I bet" or "sometimes I find it hard too" or something that does not suggest you get her.

She does not believe you "get" her atm. And let's face it; you don't.

All in all I'd say it's more positive than negative. She shared her feelings with you and did not blame her anger on you. Those are positives.

But Don't over react.

They are only the beginning of a 1000 step march; a march from which she can fall out anytime.

[25yearsmlc]

.....she has never expressed any desire to leave the state before.....that kinda freaked me out a bit. THAT is why is said it seems like she is just giving up completely.

leaving the state seems easier, I guess, than trying to fix the m and trusting that your changes are real or that her feelings can come back.

But every positive loving interaction you have with her, waters that garden a bit.

Like daily deposits of only $1, it accumulates over time. Pretty soon the interest is compounding, and the pay off is big...

Try to see your interactions with her that way.

I think she's realizing her options are fewer and is theorizing about what is available and what's not. Let's hope when she gets to the

*Reconcile with Crimson* Option, it looks appealing and like a fairly smooth transition b/c hey, after all,

you are the man she always wanted you to be.

Have you ever asked her if she saw much forgiveness growing up? Do you already know the answer is "no"?

Have you ever asked her to try and let the past go EVEN IF YOU DO NOT RECONCILE

b/c you think it's holding HER back and b/c you'd feel a lot lighter knowing she had let go of the past....

and make sure you let go of it. It weighs you down and if you are walking around with the downer/needy look all the time

she won't think you are different enough.

Make sense?

[25yearsmlc]

ps

you already know the phrase "pay no attention to ANYTHING she says and only half of what she does"?

But you are not doing it. You literally

analyze what she does/says on a daily basis.

That's just no way to live.

Back off and look for patterns or movement, over time...

just like she's checking for yours.