I'm sorry you are feeling so badly, that sux. I do believe that you and H are just missing each other with your good intentions. You ironed his shirts but ended with a comment he perceived as fighting words. He tried to clean the deck for you but screwed it up. At least its mutual effort!
Remember a few days ago you were upset that he wouldn't be a man and take initiative to fix the yard lights and sprinklers? Well this time he DID take initiative to help you -- that's progress! Carb cleaner is nasty stuff. When I make a mistake like that I get really angry with myself. When W makes a mistake like that, I let it go. It wasn't my mistake, and she didn't do it TO me, even though I may have to do some work as a result. All you can do is shrug and carry on when that happens.
Have you tried a DB telephone coach? They might be able to help.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
When he came home, he asked why I did it, then accused me of being vindictive because I said hopefully that makes us even..."
not too subtle dig, tit for tat, claiming altruism but not really expressing it that way.
"Last night I cooked him dinner, which I don't usually do because we don't eat the same things. He said thanks, then quizzed me about the progress on the deck. Not offering suggestions or even appreciation, just wanting to know."
doing something for him with expectations of getting something back.
sorry.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I had a response I was typing but I just deleted it. It realize it all boils down to one question/point for me...
What is the value of M? In other words, why does everyone do it? If someone doesn't feel like they're going to benefit from the decision in some way, why would anyone get M'd in the first place?
I had a response I was typing but I just deleted it. It realize it all boils down to one question/point for me...
What is the value of M? In other words, why does everyone do it? If someone doesn't feel like they're going to benefit from the decision in some way, why would anyone get M'd in the first place?
i don't think anyone gets married if they feel as if there will be no benefit (unless forced to, as in pregnancy, etc.). it may become that way and it sounds as if there's no benefit for you in your marriage now.
why did you marry him? surely, you didn't feel there was no benefit at the time?
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
That's a great question, my interpretation is that you're asking "if I shouldn't expect anything from him, then why be married? What's in it for me?"
The value of marriage in my opinion is having security with someone who has your back and you have theirs, and having joy by being able to meet their needs and make them happy, while they meet your needs and make you happy.
My wife has a different model, she wants to be loved and appreciated unconditionally and wants us each to be responsible for our own needs.
The point is, if you and H don't share the same goal, then you can't make progress toward it, you're fundamentally misaligned.
Now unlike me, I think you and H DO share the same goal, but you really disagree on the execution.
You have every right to have your needs met, and to expect to have them met. By marrying H, you have granted him an EXCLUSIVE right to meet some of them.
Unfortunately your relationship is currently broken, so you can't expect to have them met right now. Your car has a flat tire, so it won't do 80mph down the highway, but that shouldn't lead you to conclude that the car is worthless and cannot offer you any value.
Once you get on the right track and H's needs are met, yours will be too. I know you think H is selfish and lazy, but I would submit his apparent disinterest in meeting your needs may not be so easily explained. If your perception is that he will disappoint you, he will pick up on that, and he will disappoint you. You'll notice everything that goes wrong and hold it as evidence. If you believe he will make you happy, he may rise to the occassion.
Recent positives for you:
He engaged in R talk and therefore didn't get his laundry done He engaged with you in a conversation about progress on the deck -- he was talking to you and engaging! He tried to clean the tar off the deck for you He offered to get you a drink at dinner
Remember, this is a man who is getting no sex and views you as critical and confrontational -- it could be much worse.
I think he's willing to show up, I think you need to negotiate some small ways he can make you happy that would TRULY make you happy, and build in some kind of reward for him (watch his TV show with him, go boating whatever) if he doesn't deliver then no reward. Get a small taste of success and build from there
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I'm asking because I'm looking for a litmus test. I'm throwing out my expectations and trying to redefine them.
I just want to know what's reasonable, typical; rational. If I have a target of the value that M is supposed to offer, then I know what I'm working for, or can decide if it's possible or if I even want to.
I think you should have your most important emotional needs met, you should have someone to laugh with and enjoy life, you should have someone you enjoy talking to, you should have someone who supports you, you should have someone who is aligned with your beliefs on the things that matter most to you, you should have a partner in child raising, you should have someone for whom you feel a spark, or an intangible attraction.
In order to get this, you should be willing to meet the other person's most important emotional needs, you should be tolerant of their weaknesses, you should support and encourage them, you should go into things with a "partner" perspective, you should avoid shaming and criticism, you should be willing to make yourself vulnerable and share the bad with the good without shame, and you should make an effort to share their interests for the purpose of bringing you closer to each other.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
