Lost

[bustorama]

[quote=bustorama]
dscl, what has your W told you explicitly or implicitly about:
1) what you did wrong
2) what she is attracted to in OM (or what he does that you didn't)

1. She said that I did not show her love and was very distant and that I always made her think everything she did was wrong.
2. The complete opposite of number 1. He does he loves her, is there for her and the little things that I say bother me does not bother him.

K, there are a few different things here:

1) Re: feeling unloved, have you read or are you familiar with what her love languages are (or what your own love languages are) -- have you read "the 5 love languages"? As a starting point, it helps to understand what sorts of things each of you needs to feel loved -- what sorts of behaviors/actions in your partner do you hear as "He/she loves me."

It is very common someone to speak to their spouse in whatever is their own love language, but this may not be their spouse's preferred love languages. For example, a W might give Acts of Services, Words of Affirmation or Conversation/Listening Time to their husbands because those are things that their W experience as loving acts and what they feel they need for love. But, many H are on different planets and experience physical intimacy as loving acts, so we may feel unloved if all we are getting AoS, WoA and conversation or we may try to show our affection for our W through physical touch or sex, but our W experience that as us viewing them as sexual objects, because, physical intimacy may not be THEIR primary love language. The solution is for each partner to be in touch with the other's LL, so we can meet each other's emotional needs in the right language and feel mutually loved.

What do you think your W's LL are? How does she show YOU that she loves you? What have you heard from her re: what specific things OM does for her that makes her feel loved by him.

2) Re: criticism/unacceptance, that's so common, especially in men with controlling tendencies (Busto raises hand). So this suggests to me that one of your W's love languages is words of affirmation. This is why ever little criticism or word of unacceptance or challenge you have given her in the past has not only been a failure to meet her need to hear words of affirmation for you, but has busted any love (lovebuster) that she might have had in her tank for you.

So, in what ways and why do you think you have been critical or unaccepting of things she has done or ways she is. Can you give some examples? What is that all about for you?

Conversely, in what ways have you given your W words of affirmation? Do you know what they are? Or why have you not, you think?

A rule of thumb that is often said in marital therapy is for any single criticism or negative thing that you say to their spouse, their needs to be some much greater number of offsetting positive things we say to our spouse so that they do not experience it as us being critical, unloving, not accepting of them. For you, the ratio may need to be very high indeed now given that your W has a history of experiencing you as being critical of her -- higher certainly than someone she doesn't have that history with, like OM.

Have to admit, kind of scare that what I did has now pushed her more into OM arms. I know this is not what I'm suppose to think, but it is in my mind, maybe it's there since it just happened and I'll feel stronger as the days go by.

Yeah, very normal to feel that way. It's ok to feel scared, even terrified that you may have done something wrong and "lost her." You don't need to "fix" that feeling in yourself. When you are overwhelmed by feelings, try to go back to your code of conduct, your non-negotiable boundaries -- am I ok with living with my W if she is having sex with an OM? am I ok with my W being in a R with an OM? Maybe you are, maybe you are not.

If it is not in your code of how you want to be treated, then the right thing to do is to enforce that boundary. And what results is what results. But you are being true to yourself and how you want to be treated, which is the foundation of everything. Can't have healthy relationships with other people if you are not having a healthy relationship with yourself.

[quote]I MUST accept that I can't control her feelings or issues and concern myself with what I can... mine.

That's exactly right, and this is the other part of it. You don't want to do or not do something because of the effect it may or may not act on her. And I see that you are getting this -- you don't set and enforce boundaries to show her anything. You do it to be honest and respectful with yourself. Healthy relationships can then follow with those who choose to treat you the way you want to be treated.