Lost

[bustorama]

we don't have to agree on all things.

Busto, my main point even if it seems different, is that I see little value in hammering the adulterer'

IF reconciling is the goal b/c it makes letting go/forgiving way harder and perhaps

more importantly it takes the focus off things we can change, like ourselves.

Yeah, I definitely agree with this part, 25 and dslc. I think 25 and I are after the same idea, dslc, that I think you are getting -- that as bad a boundary violation an A is in a marital relationship, that it helps the betrayed person to forgive and move past their hurt and anger if they TRY to empathize with and relate to the state of the WAS when he/she chooses to affair.

It usually is coming from a place of feelings rejected, hurt, neglected, resentful, angry -- all kinds of negative emotions from not having their emotional needs met in the way that they need them to be met. So, they feel justified, entitled to step out. Because of how hurt and neglected they feel, perhaps even feeling emotionally abused, unvalued. For months, maybe years of feeling alone, disconnected, unloved. And she may or may not have said things to you to show you this, but you didn't "hear her" or get it the way she needed you to.

So, while her choice to act on those feelings the way she did (A) is still a huge boundary violation and injury to you and your M, and totally her choice and her responsibility (and she will need to come to understand this eventually if the two of you are to reconcile successfully in the future), it is really critical for your own emotional well-being now and for any potential of reconciliation that you try to understand, like 25 is saying, where she was (and maybe is) emotionally when she made these choices. And why she might be scared and very reluctant to reattach to the situation and person that left her feeling so unloved and unappreciated in the past.