I don't know. I've thought extensively on it, written out mental notes. What does she value? I've racked my brain for months on end on this one. I thought about who I was when we met, who "WE" were for the early years after child birth, the middle years, and many things that happened in the past few years.

I don't know what she values because she's living a different life from well before me. I've thought in depth on that too. My faults, that I recall bothering her, are:

- Lack of help around the house.
- Lack of effort to maintain me.
- I was more affectionate to the kids vs. my W.

Basically all around self centered individual, to sum up much ot the other stuff.

So I understand much of her effort to go out and party and the feeling of being noticed and appreciated. Before we met, she was always one to have Dude's buy her drinks all night, but I failed to lavish her with that kind of appreciation. I get that.

And yet.....

My W is...

- Very strong willed
- Would literally do anything for a friend
- has intensely strong family values

Something else that is a cause of confusion for me. My W got breast augmentation 5 months into MLC. I recall an evening within a week of the operation where we were laying in bed and I was scratching her back ( at her request ). She started crying and told me that the augmentation wasn't what she thought it would be. She wasn't in pain, I think she was talking about how it didn't make her feel like she thought they would.

What I've done:

- Started taking care of me, regular haircuts, shaving, new wardrobe, consistent exercise.
- Stopped being critical of other people ( it's because I was unhappy about me ).
- Stopped being outwardly anxious or negative in my actions and speech.
- Took on more responsibility with upkeep around the house and have been consistent for almost all of the past 2 years of MLC.
- Stopped talking and started listening when my W finally opened up with her feelings.
- Stopped saying I can't and became completely "can do" about everything.

My W wants to feel appreciated. I know she does, but my problem for the past 2 years has been that she couldn't stand to be around me in order for me to offer appreciation -> Its' always been the same in that nobody cares until she's got 1 foot out the door.

She can't stand to be around me because she feels beneath me. I'm very confused about what she values.

I gave up my social life over the years since all my friends were female and I was committed to my W. All of my friends had been "our" friends, but she was the organizer that brought it all together. I know it bothers her that I don't have a social life. I'm pretty sure she felt pressured to make me happy over the years and she tried hard. So being dependent on me as the majority bread winner in the house probably doubled her resentment. So there's extra motivation for me to make new social circles.

As for why I lied when I sent my text? Technically it wasn't a lie if it was true wink and I was being truthful. I just avoided the "whole" truth. I still don't know yet how to handle my W so I'm being very distant because I don't approve of her decision. Telling her I don't approve may very well prove to be more fuel to drive her further along her path. I don't know.

I was frustrated for much of today. I took a half day at work today because I had my consultation with the lawyer today ( I'm screwed ) and I was going to come home before the meeting until I saw her car in the garage. Then she called me about Fathers Day, again stressing how "hard" she's working on our friendship. She's so adamant about the kids seeing that we're just great together, yet apart. She said she asked S12 about taking us all to breakfast and he said no because that would make "me" angry. I was not happy that he said that because it was dishonest.

I told her there was nothing special that I wanted and that I couldn't do breakfast because I have plans - Meetup group event so I wasn't lying. I was then further disappointed that she was home when I came home. I know she was intentionally trying to be around to show the kids that we don't "hate" each other. I was having difficulty not thinking about the day I can change the locks. I don't like feeling like this.

My kids opted to stay with me this weekend which kind of suprised me. I took the opportunity tonight to talk to S12 about what he told his mom about me being angry about going to breakfast on Fathers Day. He told me he didn't want to do that because if we couldn't be together, he failed to see how it would help anything. I informed him that that was a far better response to have told his mom vs telling her it would make me angry.

I reassured him that he should feel comfortable talking to us about how he feels - and he's uber pissed at his mom. I also told him that it's important that he tell his mom what's in HIS heart and not use me as a reason. I told him I was neither here nor there in regards to his mother, that while I respect her decision, I'm not losing any sleep over it. I love her more than she may ever really know, but I agreed with his feelings about breakfast together and that it wouldn't help matters.

I don't know what my next step is right now so I'm going to focus on midterms this coming week.