An Unexpected Journey: A New Chapter

[AJM]

You got some really good advice, GM. Some good background. I was very skeptical about this stuff for a long time. Part of the reason it took so long to "get it" for me.

Keep that log. Keep things to email. Keep a recording. Not so you can throw it in his face later. In fact, don't let him ever see it or know about it. I had to do the same thing. Mine lived with me for over two years during much of the earlier parts. I thought I was losing my mind. I felt schizophrenic for the longest time. I felt depressed. I felt unworthy of anything. I lost my self-esteem.

So I started writing things down. I ended up with over two volumes (yes, volumes) of junk. I wrote a daily diary filled with all kinds of things. I recently ran across one of those while cleaning out a closet. I read some of what I wrote and laughed at the absurdity of the situation. Sad and twisted don't come close to how I felt and what I saw after 23 years together and married for 20. It was unthinkable.

But as many have pointed out, it's him. He has something he needs to address. He may never figure it out and that's sad. He lost a great thing in his family and that's even sadder. He may lose his boys for a very long time. But he was going to do this to whomever he married.

There was another poster who's wife, after 26 years of marriage, and just before their renewal (her idea) told him she didn't love him because he wouldn't take her to her favorite store (one reason given).

What you'll see is that they'll come up with ANYTHING they can think of. They'll have the conversation many times in their heads before you get invited to the conversation (the times you do). It'll sound really odd when it comes out of their mouths. Crazy even.

Is it crazy? Or is he trying to change things to make the pain and depression stop? I suggest the latter from what I've seen.

For us, we bear the brunt. They destroy as much of us as they can to help them justify themselves. They talk funny. They put forward the lamest excuses to justify their behavior (left the cap off the toothpaste so I HAVE to leave her. Really?) They put it forward so strongly that they convince everyone around them that they "needed" to divorce you. It was the only reasonable thing to do. Anyone with half a brain can see through it

Those that are far enough out of the situation know better. Those that are too close get sucked in just as we did.

We are, at the end, saddened that all along they had the key and we could see it plainly. But they are h@ll bent on this path. They will continue to do it over and over again until they get it. They'll suffer enormously and want it to be somebody else's fault (ours.) They'll get mad that we move on. They'll get mad that we don't. They'll get mad. They'll tell themselves they deserve to be happy and we are in the way. Our family is in the way. If we could just erase the past...except, what about the kids? What about the intervening 20+ years? What about...? Rinse and repeat. Some try to drown it out. Some get remarried quickly (like mine) or turn to drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. Anything to get away from the pain.

When all is said and done, they may have a clarifying moment and the guts to say something. We may be around to hear it. Not likely for most of us though and that's OK; we will have healed by then. We'll be long gone because we were pushed aside and run over by the bus enough to stay away. We finaly "get it" that we can't come on this journey no matter how much they push and pull.

Do they forget? Oh yes. It's a sign of them continuing to try and figure things out when they tell you they never said such a thing. It's a sign of the turmoil in their heads. It's a protection mechanism that indicates they know that was wrong but have no other way to deal with it right now. At least that's how I see it...

But they say it because they feel it at the time they said it. Mine denies saying she never loved me. Why? I dunno, but I think it's because she doesn't like the idea she wasted that much of her life with somebody she didn't love. But at the time I think it opened a path to a logic bomb she had to reconcile and couldn't (the affair and leaving must have been my fault right?) So she said it. If I hadn't written it down, I might have thought I was crazy

I don't think you should think of your time as wasted with him. You loved him. You still do. But you have to stay away and set your boundaries. That's important because otherwise you wasted a lot of years in my opinion.

The selfishness is a symptom of them trying to fix what's wrong with them in my opinion. The forgetting and re-writing are a symptom of their mind (ego,psyche, etc.) trying to protect itself. It may not end if they don't find the answers. If they keep running from the truth and consequences.

It has nothing to with you or the kids. You are the bystander on this path. An IED went off and you were very close

Keep that journal. Keep that perspective and understand it wasn't about you. Understand that on a long term timeline things will be very different because you are very different.

It gets better. Along the way it is sometimes amusing and sometimes infuriating. But it does get better when YOU make it so. You are the only one that can make things better for you and the kids. Only you. Nobody else. No matter what.

As the anger subsides, realize that it wasn't you that caused this. It isn't you that can fix it even if you can see the key. Even if it seems absurd why he leaves. Realize you did love him and he you. Realize that's over now, but it did happen and you are NOT crazy. From what I can tell

Peace!
AJ