I am totally lost right now. I don't know what to do next.
Our landlord has been pressuring me about renewing the lease, and today I asked W about it. She said she didn't know. So I said we need to figure it out, and she told me that until our last couple talks, she had planned to continue living as we have been, but now I seem to want to end our marriage. She thinks it would be easiest and best for the kids if we keep living this way.
I told her that's not what I want but that I don't want to keep living like this. Then she said shes not in the place where she wants to work on things, and doesn't think she ever will be.
I asked her if she thinks that's fair to me...she didn't know. We talked about most of the usual things, and I maintained that I have already fixed our past issues, but Then for some reason I started beating myself up again. I am so mad at myself for this...but I think I did have a realization that will help me in the future.
I have always had a deep fear of rejection, and I don't handle it well when I do get rejected...and W has rejected me in many different ways over the years. Some of it was justified, other times it wasn't. And it continues today...but I am constantly rejected so I am constantly upset about that. I don't think this is really my fault...it's just who I am.
But this realization had me in tears....and blaming myself for destroying my family. I am going to talk to my IC about it...it never came up with my previous 2 ICs. Maybe I can break the cycle.
It appears I'm not ready to move on from W...I had the chance to really drive the point home today... And I couldn't do it.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
