You set your boundries. Great!! It was the first step in taking control of your life, your feelings and your future.
Now it is the time for you to truely get your life going forward. That means GAL activities designed to benifit you and your daughter. This will include the legal side of things as well: She has abandoned you, the marriage, the house and her child. This needs so to be documented.
If/when it goes to court you will need everything documented to protect your rights as a parent and primary caregiver. If you do not methodically document and have evidence you willl likely get raped in court. Men mistakenly believe they are on equal footing in the courts. These actions are not to be used as a club or manipulative tool on your wife. In fact I wouldn't even tell her about it. They are for you and your daughter only and used only when you need to. You will know when its time to use it. Remember this is not the wife you married. She is the alien and will be counseled by an attorney who is out to win for his client. Not the once loving person you married.
Depending on your state i.e. no fault divorce states it may not matter about the adultery. But make sure you know your legal rights. This is all for your protection and planning. It may not be needed but its better to be prepared rather than getting caught saying ...she would never do that to me...I can't believe she lied to the court, blah, blah, blah. It happens all the time my friend so get your head on straight.
Be calm and rational. Be focused on what is best for you and your daughter. You can do this. You can handle this and be much better for it in the long run. Your wife is an adult and has made her choices. Let her live with them. Do not weaken and think you can save her. She will not apprecieate it and in fact would probably resent you for it. Women respect strength. Women need to know you mean what you say and say what you mean. A woman can only love a man she respects. You earn respect by consistency of action, strength of purpose and unwavering resolve.
Look at this as independence day for you. You are finaly free to make the right decsions for you and your daughter unencombered by fear of what your wife thinks, wants or feels. Not your job anymore. Congratulations on taking a heathly step forward. Your journey is a long one but it begins with the first step. You can do this. You will be happy again.
Vorlon
M: 50, W: 48 M: 26 yrs S:25, D:24, S:20, D:19 Hard at work on my marriage everyday! There is hope, there is life, it is the only life we have....
25yearsmlc I gave a short reply to this but believe it deserves more.
Quote:
why are you not in the same bedroom? Do you both sleep in separate rooms normally? WHY? Wow that's a huge red flag to me.
Her coming over is completely new this week, before this she was out of the house for more than a month. When I woke up she was in the guest room.
Quote:
Make no mistake. You forced her to choose b/c YOU could not handle any delay or uncertainty (which she has been living with for some time.)
Agreed, I guess I was/am in a fog myself and just wanted this to end as soon as possible, I see now hat this is a process that will take time.
Quote:
Man you need to own a lot more of this situation b/c there's no way you are committed to change or working on the marriage if you are quitting this fast.
I have and I've told her so. And while I hurt because she has not done the same, or that fact that she is trying to blame me for the A, I have not told her I feel she should own her faults in our R also because. I've do believe I mad mistakes, but I can't accept that it gives her the justification to have an affair.
I've have begun to see (slowly) that I can't change how she thinks. I have to concern myself with my issues and work on fixing me. If she sees these and wants to begin on working on us, then great, if not, I know that this process will makes me a better man.
M-41 W-41 D-7 M- 10yrs I still love you, but 4-25-12 Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12 Confirmed PA 6-9-12
Good job, you need to tell her that you have boundries. You need to keep standing up to her and telling her how it is. She needs to get that dose of reality, and know how it is going to be if she goes thru with this. Job well done, I know it hurts, but your doing the right thing.
ME 31 / W 29 M 7 / T 13 S 3 / S 5 NOT HAPPY 11/11 BOMB 12/27/11 MOVED OUT 2/12 THINKS D WOULD BE BEST FOR HER 5/14/12 W Files D 6/24/12
OK, great. Now keep holding that line -- not with meanness, vindictiveness. Your W may (mostly subconsciously) test you to see where your boundaries are (she basically already has done so with each of these drop by visits).
dscl, what has your W told you explicitly or implicitly about: 1) what you did wrong 2) what she is attracted to in OM (or what he does that you didn't)
That's part of where you need to focus some attention.
Judging from your thread on here, am I right that you tend a bit towards the fix-it/controlling spectrum (like many of us men), perhaps being impulsive, emotional or angry in doing so?
When we are not like that, we tend not to be there emotionally for our W's, because we are too wrapped up in our own concerns. We don't listen to them or, when we do, we don't just accept and validate what they are saying, but try to fix their feelings.
Maybe I am way off here and this doesn't ring true for you. What have you gathered so far about the big issues?
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Good job, you need to tell her that you have boundries. You need to keep standing up to her and telling her how it is. She needs to get that dose of reality, and know how it is going to be if she goes thru with this. Job well done, I know it hurts, but your doing the right thing.
Thanks, but I don't think I did it to show her how it is, does part of me hope that this will effect her thinking? Maybe, but I did it for me. I also need time to deal with my feelings and having her here with what is going on would not help. I'll kept thinking of her and what I could do to change her mind about us and not dealing with my issues.
M-41 W-41 D-7 M- 10yrs I still love you, but 4-25-12 Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12 Confirmed PA 6-9-12
dscl, what has your W told you explicitly or implicitly about: 1) what you did wrong 2) what she is attracted to in OM (or what he does that you didn't)
1. She said that I did not show her love and was very distant and that I always made her think everything she did was wrong. 2. The complete opposite of number 1. He does he loves her, is there for her and the little things that I say bother me does not bother him.
Quote:
Judging from your thread on here, am I right that you tend a bit towards the fix-it/controlling spectrum (like many of us men), perhaps being impulsive, emotional or angry in doing so?
When we are not like that, we tend not to be there emotionally for our W's, because we are too wrapped up in our own concerns. We don't listen to them or, when we do, we don't just accept and validate what they are saying, but try to fix their feelings.
Maybe I am way off here and this doesn't ring true for you. What have you gathered so far about the big issues?
This is me to a T!! I see now as I reflect on the years we've been together and I now know that it's a major issue I need to work on.
Have to admit, kind of scare that what I did has now pushed her more into OM arms. I know this is not what I'm suppose to think, but it is in my mind, maybe it's there since it just happened and I'll feel stronger as the days go by.
I MUST accept that I can't control her feelings or issues and concern myself with what I can... mine.
M-41 W-41 D-7 M- 10yrs I still love you, but 4-25-12 Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12 Confirmed PA 6-9-12
Busto, my main point even if it seems different, is that I see little value in hammering the adulterer'
IF reconciling is the goal b/c it makes letting go/forgiving way harder and perhaps
more importantly it takes the focus off things we can change, like ourselves.
But here's my question Lost,
why not go out for ice cream when your w and d playfully wanted to?
What was your goal in saying no? Surely it wasn't a boundary setting right? (is your d obese?)
DO you see how you might have looked just a little petty or like the downer UNfun parent?
Just asking b/c I am curious about your goal in that small, but potentially telling gesture.
Hers, and yours...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
why not go out for ice cream when your w and d playfully wanted to?
What was your goal in saying no? Surely it wasn't a boundary setting right? (is your d obese?)
DO you see how you might have looked just a little petty or like the downer UNfun parent?
Just asking b/c I am curious about your goal in that small, but potentially telling gesture.
Hers, and yours...
25yearsmlc, thanks for the reply.
Re-reading my post, I see I left out the part that us leaving (me and D) was to go to the park, we had a great time
Was not looking really set any goals. Me and the W have always set limits on the junk food we will allow are D to have. We have try to show her that eating no so good food is ok sometimes but you should not eat it everyday. I of course cannot ask W if she saw my point at this time, but I would hope she did not take me saying no as a gesture.
25yearsmlc, would like you thoughts on me asking the W not to stay in the family home while she is in a R with OM. Do you think it was the right approach or should I have let her stay?
M-41 W-41 D-7 M- 10yrs I still love you, but 4-25-12 Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12 Confirmed PA 6-9-12
