DH has left me and 2 Kids - Baby #3 Due in 3 Weeks

[25yearsmlc]

Penny,

first sorry for the length of this but I wanted to get it all out.

Second, I'm so sorry for your situation. No matter what your situation was, your h is a lout to leave a pregnant w. It's as bad as women who cheat on h's in combat...both are just WAY out of line...I have few blacks & white rules, but these acts are just never okay.

Whether he's in MLC (sounds possible) or is a WAH, your course of action is identical. So don't spend too much time wondering...although if it helps you detach from the pain of it, then go for it.

I am going to need a formal decision from WAH a couple of weeks after the baby is born as to what his intentions are.


why are you rushing the choice? It will push him farther away as it's an ultimatum and if you've read the DB books, you know they are rarely advised.

IF there are financial reasons to protect yourself and your children, and you have reason to believe he's damaging your future security - then I do understand. But unless that's the case, have you really given this enough thought?

I worry that with the baby coming so soon, your "nesting" syndrome is acting up and you want clarity b/c you think that = security. But the deal is, he seems very UNclear. By forcing him to choose NOW, you may well not the choice you want and I don't know if waiting a bit, would really hurt.

So if he could possibly work through this, and then was restored,
what would you feel then?

And do you worry that too much damage is being done that you won't be able to forgive? That's not a judgement of mine.

But if you don't think you can forgive him, and ultimately let go of this, then there's not a lot of reason to keep at this.

How Did you see forgiveness growing up?

At the moment as far as I am concerned, he is leaving me to be with OW.

why assume that? Why project negatively?


However, when this first came out before I knew about OW, he asked me what I wanted him to do. I'd told him it had to be his decision, and if he left he had to tell the kids. He was just worried about not having anywhere to live.


That's telling...he asked you this when you did not know of OW? First off,
what is his love language?

("The Five Love Languages" book is excellent and you may want to read it, no matter what else happens. It's a good book for all). I have a feeling you are not give love to each other in ways you can both receive.

Second, I don't believe his question was "just b/c he was worried about not having a place to live." This is more mind reading on your part, and it's all negative?

It does not really help your situation. Give him something to live UP TO,...without having actual expectations that disappoint. It's a fine line but it's a worthy goal.

My main question relates to why he'd ask you what YOU wanted him to do and you didn't just say

"I want you to come home b/c I love you. I want you to be my h, help me raise our 3 kids and grow old together"...

what's with sounding as if you don't care either way?


Looking back, Is it possible he felt neglected in the marriage? A LOT Of men feel that way when the kids are young,

(one study of long term marriages, said couples report their lowest satisfaction period was after the birth of the 2nd child)

you now have a new, 3rd one on the way.


Then he said he was spending sometime with "a male friend" who turned out to be OW and he has been flitting between "home" and OW since. He has not told the kids of any decisions as yet.

PLease stop pressing him to CONFIRM the choices he's confused about making...that merely cements them into his brain.

I don't get it. Well, okay I fear that it's coming from a dark place in you. A place I recognize well...

you are very hurt, deeply wounded and angry and oh, btw, pregnant.

You want to shame and punish him and I truly do honestly understand that.

But it will NOT help your situation.

Plus in the end, you'll want to be able to look at this time as one in which you were a woman of dignity and grace in the face of betrayal.

Your children are watching you. Someday they too will face a betrayal or devastating setback. They'll remember how YOU behaved at this time and you want it to be healthy, as it will help them heal faster.

Beware of what you model for them.

So ask yourself each question this way, as I had to:

"Is this comment/action I'm considering, coming from a place of light and love/healthy self respect in me,
OR
is from my wounded pride and anger?"

Am I merely justifying a comment or action with the rationalization of 'this will teach him a lesson" or "show him the consequences of his actions" mantra,

BUT Penny, as my DB coach said, "it's not the spouses job to teach them a lesson or show the consequences of their actions. LIfe does that."


This way, no regrets...and it makes you look, esp in contrast to OW, that much better. Besides, the more anger you show him, the more you will fuel his reasons for leaving and make him feel justified.

But your goal is to get him to second guess his choices...by showing change in YOU and how you two interact.

BTW, what else did he SAY he was unhappy about? Did you fight a lot?

Focussing totally on him and what HE thinks/feels/plans makes you powerless (b/c you have no control over him)


AND it takes the focus off of you.

You are the only person you can affect or change or control here.

Since You are a flawed human like all of us, figure out which of your flaws are worth working on...for YOU to become the woman you want to become, a woman only a fool would leave.

So what are his complaints? What would HE SAY about you or the marriage that created his desire to leave?

ANY of it true? So how can you change those negative images & counter them with positive 180s?

Make him doubt his "data" about you. What would YOU like to change in you?

Make him realize that marriage to you can be better/different than before.

B/c if that ^^ isn't true, he won't come back.

YOU Must show him that it can be better/different.

Make sense?


I don't want it to come across as pushing an ultimatum (I know the answer is going to be her anyway) and I am not doing it to force him into a decision about our marriage. I don't want the door to be shut, I hope I am following LRT correctly. However, I need to know for the purpose of being able to claim financial support as a single parent.

Please can someone advise how to play it?

well I guess you sort of answered it.

You are not in our country so I guess that means in the UK (?) if you prove you are single, in effect, (not necessarily a legal state but a practical one??)

then if you really need the money, do what you have to do.

Someone has to put the kids first, and that would be you.

In this state (California, USA) I was able to file for a legal sep to protect our assets so my h didn't mortgage the house and sell off too many assets to "invest with his heroes" on the tundra in Alaska.

It didn't wake him up but it make me feel safer. And it didn't end the marriage w/a divorce.

Do you have Any options other than forcing him to choose OW, that still protect you?

IF NOT, then SAY something to him that explains you are not reacting in anger.

Say words that reflect this. You'd prefer it if you two could start fresh and keep the family together,

but you have to protect the children and your future...and that's why you are doing whatever it is you will do.

Also, here are two great answers for when he "revises" things or justifies his actions...

if he says something you truly don't recallthe same, or at all, don't dispute it.

Say "Wow I don't recall it that way, but I'm sorry you were upset/hurt by it."

If he brings up something from the past that bothered him that you feel some responsibility for, or in which you blew it, to some extent or to a lot,

you say "IF I had it to do over again, there are LOTS of things I'd do differently."

Neither answer escalates or argues or defends. Both answers show the potential for change in YOU and the marriage...

((( )))