Sandi2 ….Thanks for expanding on that comment for me. I have been doing what you suggested as far as standing up to her, always in a friendly and polite manner. During our last R conversation, which I stupidly incited, and you pointed that out to me I told her that I would seek 50/50 custody of our children. So I presume W knows that kids will be part of my life. As far as how she interprets my niceness I have no control of that, but I will not let her take advantage of me.
I feel at this point I may be staying at home for the kids as much as she is. I don’t want them to know of this if there is a chance W and I can work thru this. I really don’t know why she’s not pushing for separation and/or D at this point, seemed that’s what W was after when she dropped bomb, I can’t and won’t try mind reading this.
Part of me thinks it would be better for R if I did leave then she could have her space and see what I actually do and contribute to the R, I don’t know I’m just venting here but I know someone will slap me around if I need it. Past weekend it rained, like flood warning rained, and was stuck in house with W and kids. I thought it would be very tense but turned out actually quite nice almost seemed like pre bomb civilized but….. I see what you mean about don’t get all excited if W is also nice. I wanted to talk with her so badly but remembered what you great folks keep saying so I didn’t and I’m glad if she wants this R to work she need to realize it in her own time. Limbo is hard!
Just checking in… Not much new to report really …… I’m just keep on keeping on. I have noticed It seems like W gets a little Irritated when I do things to GAL. This past weekend went good lots to do around house, D had softball on Saturday we all went, W is still including me in family events. Sunday I went to church early, 7:30, W was still sleeping so I didn’t wake her but again seemed irritated when I got home. Things smoothed out after I was home awhile and helped W build a raised bed for garden, seems to be her new hobby these days. Sat around pool after then took kids to local amusement park afterward. When we got home asked wife if she had fun she said yes, I could tell she did. While we were getting dinner ready she made a few remarks about R, I validated what she was saying and made it known that my intention was not to act as I had in the past, but did not push to talk ant further about R. Seems funny during the week she seems much colder and more distant but weekends seem to go rather well. I want my M to work so I’ll just keep doing. Still at home and in same room with no MR.
So Maybe I need a good 2x4 ing, The last couple of days I’ve had all I can do not to bring up R to find out where we (I) stand. W is still not talking about it at all. She has all these things around home that shes wanting to do…..savings are limited and all I feel like saying is Do you think attorneys work for free? Plus some of the things are ridiculous if the house will be sold anyway….I am detaching, my GAL just seems to p*ss her off….I want our M to work but still being at home the roommate deal is not a long term solution for me. I am keeping up the 180’s…being friendly ..not pursuing …just bad day I guess
We all have good days and bad days. It is a rollercoater.
Stop asking about the R or 'us'! Do you want to know where you stand right now? Not good, maybe getting worse.
Does that make you feel better?
Time. The situation needs time to heal. Stop taking the bandage off the wound and inspecting it. Give it time to heal.
In football, if a team goes down 7 points in the first quarter, do they all of a sudden change their gameplan and start running a hurry-up offense? NO. They stick to their gameplan because there is plenty of time left in the game.
4/19/12 ILYBNILWY? You are so early in the game. Stick to your gameplan. Detach and GAL.
Good luck.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
Thanks Lost I have not brought up R or us but have really wanted too. I value the advise from people on this board and read most of the threads here. I know that i'm early on in this and thats why I think i needed to vent some. Thanks for the reality check
Ultimately us LBS’s have to get out of the way of our WAS’s to allow them to live the reality of their decisions. We are on separate paths with our spouses during this time.
Above quote was taken from another thread here.
Can anyone expand on this in the context of how to.....while your still living in same house and sharing same bed, even if there is 2 kids in it, all while having 3 preteen kids at home....Confused but DBing
So my W tells me last night that she is going to IC next week. Tells me she sees all the effort that I'm putting in, and logically thinking should be able to put effort into the R but still doesn't know if she can or wants to take down the walls she put up. She told her mom about or sitch yesterday, which was a huge step for her, as I know she doesn't want to put anymore stress on her. Her mom told her to talk to C. We both feel the best thing for kids is to have the family together, I told W if her or C thought that I should talk that I was more than willing to participate. I have been keeping my 180's constant. I'm taking this as a positive step for her/us and hoping for the best.
Wow, so much of your sitch sounds similar to mine....from your wife not feeling important, not taking any responsibility, to the time together. My wife and I were high school sweethearts as well and wow, you fast forward 25+ years and look back, you realize how much stupid stuff you did in the relationship and how it has scarred you both.
It sounds like you are doing the right things, but your changes have to be real and not temporary...make them for you, not anyone else. It took my wife a long time (~6-8 months) to actually start believing my changes were real. Even so, there's a heavy amount of resentment, poor communication skills, and bad habits that we have to address....and of course, she's not sure she has anything left in the tank to do it.
With regards to the IC, hopefully someone can chime in here, but my wife saw two IC over the years...both were crappy. One said I was a narcissist and would never change and the other said "You love him, but aren't in love with him." Really? What's wrong with these people?! We went to a MC together and she really didn't help either. She was more of a C for listening to your problems rather than actually helping you work thru them. I'd be happy to try another MC, but so far, any help we've reached out for has been more damaging....retrovaille has been the best so far in terms of helping, and she hasn't really opened herself up to it.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
I remember so well how I felt when I decided to stay in my M. Was I happy? No! Was I ready to give 100% effort that my H asked from me? No! I had to reach a point to where I was just willing...to be willing. Make sense? Probably not, but I bet your W would understand completely b/c of her mindset.
Wow, that hits home for me. I think this is where my wife has been for a long time. Sandi - would you mind chiming in on my thread? I could really use your experience right now as my sitch seems similar and I'm just not sure what to do most of the time.
I wonder if the WAS knows what they’re doing to the love that the LBS has for them?Answer: I dont think they care to care. My W has told me over the last 2 weeks that shes second guessing her decision. That she feels the weight on the world on her shoulders, meaning that everyone is waiting on her making up her mind (me, kids even though they know nothing yet). That she feels she just has to make right decision because so many lives will be affected. How to make her understand that if she choose’s S or D that she may not have the chance to go to back and try the other choice if in fact she made wrong choice. I’m guessing life will teach her that and its not my place to teach her anything.
W told me the walls she put up aren’t all about me. She only wants to depend on herself. This confuses me. MLC maybe? I hope that any IC worth their salt would help her see that is she has to question herself about whether M is over, then there’s still a chance to work at it. I know she still has feelings, she told me this. Can staying for the children work into a good M?
I am confused, stressed and frankly angry at times. I continue the 180’s and being pleasant. W knows me so well after 28 yrs I know she still sees how frustrating this is for me at times. Some days I just want to go…. Right now the kids are keeping me focused and grounded.
