I was logging in this morning to spit out a rant, but it would seem I have made a left turn or something. What you say makes sense. I know the choices are mine to make at this point, but as I've recently discovered in the past month, I have repressed feelings. I can't get those dvd's on EFT from the library fast enough!
So I'm not angry right now (anymore), but I'd still like to share what gave me reason to "pop off" internally. Today is Friday and my W doesn't work on Friday's. She's supposed to come and get the kids so I can get into the office and it’s more of a hassle for me to meet her “in the middle” somewhere because I work within walking distance of my house. We both knew she was coming to get the kids this morning since she asked me how we were going to co-ordinate this the other day. I told her we’d do it like we did last week where she would text me when she’s close and I’d head into the office.
This serves 2 purposes, the obvious is that I don’t want to see her, the other is that I want to let the kids sleep a bit longer since it’s summer.
Well…..Things were not going according to plan today as they had last week. It was running close to 7:30 and I was running 30 minutes late getting into work. This is not a big issue since I have pretty flexible hours so it’s not the reason I was getting irritated. I was getting antsy because I didn’t want to be home when she came for the kids. I’ve gone dark on my W and I don’t like having to acknowledge her right now since I am a bit upset. So I risked sending her a text vs. having to see her……
“Are you on your way by chance?”
W: “ Is this how it’s going to be? You avoiding being in the same room with me. I’m trying to show the kids we are not like other people. We can be in the same room and talk to each other. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
Her text sent me into P.O’ed mode. If she’s showing the kids anything, she’s showing them that it’s okay to quit because everything’s better when you drop everything and “try to” remove yourself from the problem. I bit back my frustration when I replied back:
“No <WIFE>. It’s because my work schedule starts at 7 and the sooner I get into the office, the less time I need to make up.”
W: “OK, just seems that way. You wouldn’t even look at me yesterday.”
ARE YOU FLIPPING KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She’s crapped on my existence for the past two years! She didn’t even speak to me for almost the entire first year of MLC and somewhere in the past two years she finds the courage to tell me she doesn’t look at me because she doesn’t want me to get the wrong message! What message? The one that says I’ve made her life miserable because I beat her, called her names, yelled at her or belittled her in public/private situations?! Couldn’t have been any of those, because I’ve never done any of that to anyone I’ve ever been with including her. So she noticed that I didn’t “watch” her the other day when I picked up the kids. Big hairy deal.
I didn’t reply to this message. I was trying to calculate my response to imply complete neutrality on the subject. I believe the Big Guy upstairs was giving me a hand on this one because within 5 minutes of her last text she sent another one changing the subject. I’m very glad to have dodged that bullet.
So…. Limbo and expectations. Agreed. I can choose to be what I want and I like to think that I do for the most part. I do know that I fail and I know I will continue to fail until something pops up and takes over the spotlight. It’s how I am. It’s why it’s no big deal for me to go dark on my W. I do love her greatly, but I’ve always had trust issues and that’s gotten in the way of all my relationships, both male and female.
The last time I had a roommate in college, he fooled around with one of my girlfriends. He was the closest I ever had to a male friend like in the movies where 2 dudes grow up together and are bonded for life and quite honestly, I unfairly chalk up every guy I meet as being the same as him. It gets in the way of developing male friendships. It doesn’t matter that I knew I wouldn’t be with her forever, it’s the betrayal of trust in someone you held as more accountable.
As for my W, I’m not angry that I trusted her with my heart and it went this way. I am worth fighting for. I’ve had a lot of people through the years of my marriage tell me and my W how great I am as a husband. It wasn’t until MLC that I realized why that always made me feel so uneasy. I had faults, I knew I wasn’t being the best for my W, but I worked with the tools I had, not knowing any better. I’m worth fighting for because I acknowledge those faults and I’ve charged head first into not just making changes, but making them permanent. The changes were once for my W, but as I noticed my own quality of life was improving I knew they were for me. My W has recognized them and likes them, but still only thinks they are temporary and only a way for me to try and get her back.
I also realized recently that this is how my W copes with hardship. She’s a runner who survives by diving headfirst into the next pool. She'd compared me to her last failed relationships by saying that just like all the others, nobody cared until she had had enough and had one foot out the door.
I’m worth fighting for because I’m not like the others. I could go into a laundry list of what makes me different, but proof enough is in my relationship with her parents. They’ve told me several times over the years that they knew on the first meeting with the “others” that they would fail. They knew with me that I was different. Her closest aunt told me she knew we’d be together forever because I was the first to get past my W’s infamous 2 year trial run and seeing us together only made her believe in us that much more.
Everyone knows I’m not like the “others”, I know I’m not like them. The question I keep asking myself is if I’m holding on for me, the kids, my W or her families expectations. I guess I'm kind of looking for an answer to that once my W moves her stuff out and I can begin taking the physical part of my life back.
