Another WAW

[25yearsmlc]

it's very late, even for me. So I want to just touch on several things in summary manner.

Here's the part of me that always felt for your w and is probably why someone referred me to your thread. As you know I lived in Alaska, in 2 places, for 4 years. Fairbanks was the hardest place I've ever lived and we were mlitary and moved 16 times so that's saying a lot.

Living off post sukked b/c the locals were absolutely NOT friendly to us. Borderline rude much of the time...oddly rude really. NOT one neighbor welcomed us there and they saw us moving in for days (In contrast, all military bases welcome you and most civilian neighbors do too. MOST. WE were at neighbor's barbeques our first WEEK in our city now near Los Angeles.

But The Alaskan darkness & the rural nature of things and being SO REMOTE from a real airport to travel, feeling so far away as well as the small town nature of things, which I loved in other towns, seemed cold to me (no pun intended) but I guess it attracts hermits so we found it really unfriendly. Not a lot to do either...

Anchorage was way more civilized (and real Alaskans would say it's wimpy)

but the daylight/terribly cold times were still extremely hard for ME.

Sapped a lot of energy out of me and I'm a very extroverted person. I met few there.

Plus of course, my marriage took a dive b/c just as had our 3rd child there, h got busy doing all the outdoor stuff & leaving me with a newborn and no friends or job. (HE concedes he kind if effed it up for me and regrest it but I let go of that).

MY POINT HERE is just that so many women I met there were stuck there.

Their h's careers AND OR personal preferences got them there. Anti-depressants were openly discussed by officers' wives in the Army (a FIRST for me( and

I recall the marquis on the K-Mart announcing once "APOLOGIES CUSTOMERS; WE HAVE NO ANTI-DEPRESSANTS IN STOCK UNTIL MONDAY...WE APOLOGIZE" AND then the following week

with great fanfare, ths sign was blinking "SEROTONIN UPTAKE AND SSCRIS' FOR DEPRESSION IN TODAY...WHILE SUPPLIES LAST"...

what do you say about a place that runs out of anti-depressants?

SO I always felt your w's problem was partly related to living there.

But Now I think it was just a trigger for a bigger downward spiral for her...

and Sandi's advice is probably the one to really read most. She was a WAW but I doubt she ever felt quite so "entitled" but hey, we didn't know you then Sandi....

Your w's REQUEST that you pay for your son's trip to see her would be out of line but if she said it politiely, I'd at least answer w/courtesy and possibly, entertain the idea.

But since she doesn't seem to have ASKED AT ALL, but presumes or implies and wallows in self pity, after all this crap, I'd force her to come out and ask for the money and then clarify for her what reality is.

"You divorce me. You repeatedly accused me of A's, falsely and blamed me for all our problems, ALL of them.

Now you are far apart and still blaming. NOW you think I should feel sorry for you for missing the sons you left behind

AND NOW YOU ALSO want me to pay for the boys to get back into your life to see you? Do you have any insight into how out of line this is?

NO you don't and that's how I know you're stoo stubborn to change b/c the main mantra you have is you MUST BE SEEN AS RIGHT, no matter how obvious the mistakes you have made are...and you won't change and that's sad b/c you keep hurting the people you love...Gotta go, bye bye..."

Would I Say this?^^^ Yes I would. But I'm not telling you to. I'm just venting vicariously...

I think you have been handling things firmly, clearly and as long as you don't ever stoop to name calling or ranting out tangents like she does, with her blame games

then you can hold your head high. Yes I think she is sick. But NO that doesn't mean she gets to mistreat you anymore than a drunk h in AA, gets to relapse and stumble into his former home for a place to rest or to drive someone else's car since his in impounded...do not enable.

Listening to her spew too long is a form of enabling. You can hang up you know.

So Don't enable her. Let her fall. Honestly it MIGHT be the awakening she needs. And if not, at least you stopped picking her up.

Also, I think you are finally having your own awakening. Your marriage was really satisfying and happy...when?

For how long?

See, we LBSers revise our marital histories too....when the WAS says they were ALWAYS MISERABLE"

we tend to minimize the struggles and recall the best of the times, sometimes enhancing them way too much...saying "we always happy until suddenly out of nowhere" the WAS wanted out..."never saw it coming" etc

but when we are honest, usually it was not out of nowhere but was the culmination of a pattern the WAS got away with for too long...

Stay strong, and never forget your sons are watching you.

So be strong, act with honor, be the best man YOU can be and leave the results up to God.

When you can, toss out a prayer for your wife for she sounds like a tortured soul. Most alcoholics are too....

do not enable her. I think you are doing great. Your latest response to your WAS, in my opinion mostly pretty spot on DBing...

((( )))