Lost

[bustorama]

dscl,

I agree with 25 about many things (as I said before, your need to look look on your side of the fence, your role in the breakdown of the M, what you can improve about yourself -- physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually [if you are so inclined].

I also agree with her that when you act, it is best that you not act out of anger or impulsiveness.

I disagree with her, however, in suggesting that:

1) You are responsible in any way your W's choice to have an A.

You ARE responsible for hurting her/neglecting her/acting badly as an H to her in some ways. You are not strong enough to control her behavior, however. She had many other choices that she could have made.

DO BUY INTO that you hurt her (and need to evaluate, how, why, and how you can change so that you would not hurt her or another woman the same way again).

DO BUY INTO that she FEELS that you drove her to the A (you don't have to agree with it, validate her and accept that that is how she feels. Do NOT argue with her about it).

However, DO NOT yourself buy into the idea that you drove her to it. Her behavior. Her choice.

This is all about boundaries. OWN YOUR behavior. OWN bad choices YOU made in your M (and may be continuing to make). Do not own your W's behavior or bad choices that she made or is making. It becomes a mess of boundaries when each person tries to blame their own behavior on the other, and no one is responsible for themselves.

"I WOULDN'T BE SO ANGRY AND BITTER IF SHE WASN'T HAVING AN AFFAIR." (your choice to be and certainly act angry and bitter).

"I WOULDN'T BE HAVING AN A IF YOU HADN'T NEGLECTED ME."

How far does that get either of you?


2) This is not to say that I think it is in any way inappropriate for you to be establishing and enforcing boundaries (as you sort of are) re: how you want to be treated by your W. The issue is HOW you do it.

Boundaries are NOT enforced effectively if you
-- give the silent treatment
-- huff and puff angrily, impulsively, yelling, etc.
-- don't tell the person what boundary of yours they are crossing and what the enforcement is

Boundaries are effective if you:
-- COMMUNICATE the boundary and CALMLY enforce it.

"W, I really am sorry about the state of our R and that you felt so [neglected/bad about the M] that you are where you are now emotionally. But, it doesn't work for me for you to drop by the house and letting yourself in while we are not living together as a M couple and you are involved in an R with someone else. I'm not ok with that. I'm sorry things need to be that way, but that is what I want given the current situation."

And, again, then you get to figuring out your side of things. In your whole thread so far, I think I have seen you post 1, maybe 2 SHORT, msgs about your side of things. There is more, much more, digging to do.