Lost

[25yearsmlc]

Here is something else that helps me when I am down, thanks to my SIL.

Our Ws believe the grass is greener on the other side.

My SIL summed it up the best for me and said:

"The reason the grass is greener is because it is fertilized with sh!t."

We can't tell our Ws that. They are going to find it out on their own sooner or later. Let them.

I like that, I really do.

But put in a positive way, "The grass is greener where it is watered the most."

Meaning when WE work on our marriage and put LOVING ENERGY into it, it blossoms, (or gets greener).

I say "putting loving energy" into it, b/c when I hear the words "work on marriage" I know some people get turned off. They think it means putting up with things they do NOT want in their lives.

But we can all change.

Right or wrong, fair or not, the LBSer is the one who has to take that first step to change and become a better version of themself. And usually, the first 100 steps...but this is good FOR THEM so don't keep score.

To finish the analogy,

When we ignore/neglect our lawns, they turn brown and sometimes goes dormant. But They can be revived.

[Brit45]

The sooner you get your head on straight and realize you can handle life without your current wife. The sooner you will get the wife you want and deserve. That may or may not be your current wife.

thank you for the list. This one is my new fave!

[shockeddad]

Vorlon and 25, great post. I was having a bit of a rough day, now I feel better. dscl, hang in there buddy. I'm going threw almost the samething. A big problem I have right now is trying to figure out if her actions are because of my detaching and changes or if she thinks I'm fine with the thought od the big D.

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=shockeddad]Vorlon and 25, great post. I was having a bit of a rough day, now I feel better. dscl, hang in there buddy. I'm going threw almost the samething. A big problem I have right now is trying to figure out if her actions are because of my detaching and changes or if she thinks I'm fine with the thought od the big D. [/quote]


A common misconception. Please don't believe for a minute she thinks you suddenly completely changed and are "fine" with divorce.

But even if she did, SO WHAT? Let her wonder if maybe you are not going to fall apart needing her and curling up into a fetal position. She won't feel more justified in leaving you if you appear strong. It's just the opposite.

Put it this way. Your 2 options are to 1) show your pain and neediness, which does NOT WORK-

or to

2) GAL, act as if you have something to offer the world and you look forward to being back in it.

Neither may work to get her back - but which do you believe is more attractive?

More appealing? More pleasant to be around??

Hope I've made the point.

[dscl]

Ok, so I've made the decision to work on myself. I've made a appt. to see an IC for next Tuesday. Thinking after dinner me and D are going to the park and enjoy the nice weather.

Brit: Just picked up Codependent No More on my way home from work, will start reading it tonight.

[dscl]

Hi I have been lurking on this board for years. More from a preventitive than a reactive situation. But here is my two cents from a guy in long term marriage (26 yrs) with 4 kids. My wife and I have our tough times and she has talked about leaving. We work through it everyday so it is possible my friend. But I also know that when/if I decide it isn't worth it I will handle it and be happy. Here is the mind set you need to adopt.

1. Your are the prize
2. You are a good man that any good woman would want
3. You can't change the past
4. If your W is unhappy that is her problem to deal with
5. If you have issues, fix them but not for her
6. There is always someone else who will apprcieate you
7. There is always someone else in worse shape than you
8. If you want to be happy fix YOU first. You can't fix her.
9. Decide if you want to be married to the alien that has become your wife..If so, why in the world would you want that???
10. The sooner you get your head on straight and realize you can handle life without your current wife. The sooner you will get the wife you want and deserve. That may or may not be your current wife.
11. The pain will not go away or lessen until you face these things and take action.
12. It is all up to you. You decide how long you suffer. This is not negotiable.

Vorlon: Thanks for posting this, creating a folder to keep post like these to be able to read when I feel I'm losing my resolve.

[dscl]

So just as me an my D where about eat dinner, the W shows up. She says hi to me in the same to friendly tone, I reply with a simple hey. As I server my D her dinner, W ask if I would mind if she made a sandwich, I say sure why would I mind? She answers with just a quiet "I don't know" and start to make her sandwich.

Me and D sit at the table and I start asking her about her day, I find it amazing how what we as adults would think that certain things are no big deal are the breast things for kids, I love seeing the world though my D's eyes!! The whole time W just sits there without saying a word and looks at her plate. As we finish, I take D's and my plate and start loading the dishwasher,in the corner of my eye I see W call D over and says something in ear. D runs up to me and says "Daddy mommy wants us to go get ice cream!! W laughs and yells out, "You where suppose to say YOU wanted to go get ice cream!" They laugh for a minute and they I say to D, No, we got ice cream yesterday and it's not something you should eat everyday. W looks at D and says, I didn't know you got ice cream yesterday (I never told her we went),. I say nothing more and go to the bathroom.

When I get out, W says, she is leaving, i say oh OK, we where about to leave also. We all walk out she get in her car, D and me get in mine and drive away.

I have to admit, it was hard not to ask W to come with us, also the laughing about D saying Mommy wants ice cream was hard also because it was flashes of things we laughed about when we where together.

This is hard, but it must be done.

[dscl]

I wish we could edit our post.

The line above should read best thing not breast thing!!!

[bustorama]

dscl,

I agree with 25 about many things (as I said before, your need to look look on your side of the fence, your role in the breakdown of the M, what you can improve about yourself -- physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually [if you are so inclined].

I also agree with her that when you act, it is best that you not act out of anger or impulsiveness.

I disagree with her, however, in suggesting that:

1) You are responsible in any way your W's choice to have an A.

You ARE responsible for hurting her/neglecting her/acting badly as an H to her in some ways. You are not strong enough to control her behavior, however. She had many other choices that she could have made.

DO BUY INTO that you hurt her (and need to evaluate, how, why, and how you can change so that you would not hurt her or another woman the same way again).

DO BUY INTO that she FEELS that you drove her to the A (you don't have to agree with it, validate her and accept that that is how she feels. Do NOT argue with her about it).

However, DO NOT yourself buy into the idea that you drove her to it. Her behavior. Her choice.

This is all about boundaries. OWN YOUR behavior. OWN bad choices YOU made in your M (and may be continuing to make). Do not own your W's behavior or bad choices that she made or is making. It becomes a mess of boundaries when each person tries to blame their own behavior on the other, and no one is responsible for themselves.

"I WOULDN'T BE SO ANGRY AND BITTER IF SHE WASN'T HAVING AN AFFAIR." (your choice to be and certainly act angry and bitter).

"I WOULDN'T BE HAVING AN A IF YOU HADN'T NEGLECTED ME."

How far does that get either of you?


2) This is not to say that I think it is in any way inappropriate for you to be establishing and enforcing boundaries (as you sort of are) re: how you want to be treated by your W. The issue is HOW you do it.

Boundaries are NOT enforced effectively if you
-- give the silent treatment
-- huff and puff angrily, impulsively, yelling, etc.
-- don't tell the person what boundary of yours they are crossing and what the enforcement is

Boundaries are effective if you:
-- COMMUNICATE the boundary and CALMLY enforce it.

"W, I really am sorry about the state of our R and that you felt so [neglected/bad about the M] that you are where you are now emotionally. But, it doesn't work for me for you to drop by the house and letting yourself in while we are not living together as a M couple and you are involved in an R with someone else. I'm not ok with that. I'm sorry things need to be that way, but that is what I want given the current situation."

And, again, then you get to figuring out your side of things. In your whole thread so far, I think I have seen you post 1, maybe 2 SHORT, msgs about your side of things. There is more, much more, digging to do.

[dscl]

So woke up this morning and the W had let herself in after I was asleep and spent the night in the guess room. I ask her to come into the backyard to talk. I told her "I said I give you the time and space to think about our issues, but I don't think it's a good idea for you to spend the night in our family home while you are in a R with someone else" , she just said OK and walked away.