W What have you been up to this weekend? Are you in PA?
Me: Hey no why would I be in PA? I’ve been playing golf and working. You’re texting during church time. I was praying for <her sister> and all of you. I figured you would be in church today. How is <her sister> and how are you?
W: <Sister> is much better. Im fine. Your gf is in PA or Ohio or did ya’ll break up?
Me: If I had a gf why would my every action be geared toward you? I’m grabbing lunch with some friends can call you in a bit/is <her sister> taking visitors?
W: Don’t go see <sister> She doesn’t like awkwardness. Why won’t you ever listen to me?
Me: Ok sorry thought things may have changed.
W: What happened with your girlfriend? What are you eating for lunch?
Me: On the border. She wasn’t who I wanted I have someone else in mind. Why so interested in my romantic life? Dang I answered your questions… I’m sure you’ve already seen the Vow right?
W: Yep. I watched it the other night. It’s ok. Just wondering what the status with your young gym girl is, that’s all.
Me: Why do you care?
W: Just being nosy. You know I’m nosy.
Me: I have one thing I forgot to ask you will you call me when your phone charges?
W: Can I text it?
Me: Do you agree the way we got married was stupid, with no friends or family present and not in a special place? I think we shot ourselves in the foot. In retrospect, we really were held accountable to no one.
W: I don’t think accountability was an issue.
Me: Do you think if I had maintained my sobriety we would be here now?
W: IDK
Me: I do. If you can let me know where you end up working tomorrow I’d like to send you something. Have a good night.
W: You too. Don’t worry about sending me anything. Paying my car payment is enough!
Me: That was different. Just let me know where you’re working please.
W: No really, save the money. Flowers just die and they cost too much.
Me: Who said anything about flowers? To put your mind at ease I won’t be doing anything extraordinary tomorrow. You said some things that made me think and I wanted to share one thought the night before your anniversary. If your boyfriend truly makes you happy chances are you wouldn’t be thinking about your estranged husband. That’s something worth thinking significantly about. You asked what happened with my girlfriend, I ended it because it wasn’t fair to her because I still love my wife (not saying this spitefully toward you your business is your own). I’m not as immature as I used to be, having your world turned upside down makes you grow up a lot. I hope you’ll see this one day. A person who truly loves you will never let you go no matter how hard the situation is. Good night.
Anniversary Day
Me: Happy Anniversary W. Although I wish we would have got married a different way I would do it again in a heartbeat if we had the chance. I hope you have a wonderful day.
W: Happy Anniversary. Even though our marriage didn’t work, you took good care of me and was always there for me. Thank you for that!
Me: We didn’t have the skills to make our marriage work, nor did we give it enough time to have a chance. You know that W
W: Hey, easy talking about my skills! Lol I’m pretty sure that’s one of the reasons you married me! Lol
Me: Partially true… lol You changed my outlook on marriage, I had no intent on getting married again until I met you. You were the most amazing woman I had ever met and that remains to be the case. Your “skills” were just icing on the cake.
W: I don’t see what is so amazing about me? In many ways I’m like most other women.
Me: You sell yourself short. I can pretty well have my pick of 90% of the eligible female population. Despite that being the case and everything that has happened, you are still my first choice. If that and my actions don’t prove that your happiness is my priority and that I will be by your side through thick and thin, I don’t know what will.
I own my mistakes in life, our marriage, and my treatment of you, and they have cost me dearly. I have finally learned my value as a man in the last 8 months, and that I have a purpose. There are not a lot of men like me out there and I hope that you realize that. That’s why were engaged 10 months after meeting and why you married me, because you saw me at my core and realized my value as a man. We fell but we could get back up again. You have stuck by so many others in times of strife in your life, I still wonder why you gave up on me. I have never given up on you. I know that my words hurt you and I hate that everyday, but my actions showed and continue to show nothing but love for you. I hope you see that.
W: When we were dating, I made decisions based on the desire of having a solid relationship with you, not based on what our relationship was. That was where we went wrong. I wanted to be engaged and marry you because I wanted to be the only girl in your life. That shouldn’t be the reason to marry someone, so I made many mistakes in how to handle things. Truth is that our relationship was damaged beyond repair when we were dating. We should have called it quits early on, but we both continued to make poor decisions. We had happy times, but the timing and way our marriage happened was all wrong which caused a number of problems in our marriage. I don’t doubt that you will make some woman very happy someday, but truth is there has been too much damage on both our parts to make our marriage work.
Me: Which could be the biggest blessing in disguise in both ours and the kids lives if you will open your wall… I don’t want to make our marriage work. I want to start a new relationship with you, a clean slate that we both deserve. And do things the RIGHT way, now that we are on even ground. There is a reason why you still think of me.
W: It’s like I said – there are things about you that I miss but nobody is perfect in every way. There are things about you that I don’t miss that are serious issues and would continue to be so. We both deserve to be happy. I think recognizing that and trying to move on is the only way we will be happy.
Me: Or in other words, quitting on the person you vowed to stand by in good times and in bad forever, and not offering a second change to atone for past mistakes and make things right? I don’t agree with that.
With all due respect W, you don’t know me now. My personality didn’t change overnight, do you not want to at least explore the possibility that I can make things right and be the partner you deserve? There is nothing to lose in doing that, if you choose not to there is a lot to lose. My drinking was a LARGE problem in our relationship. You honestly cannot say that the positives did not largely outweigh the negatives in our time together.
Despite all that we have been through, I still stand by you. Do you remember how you felt after how things turned out with XH1? Step back for a minute and think about how I feel. And I still love you. Will you please define the things about me that you don’t miss? A list please.
W: I’ve been dating though and I realize that having a good relationship should come naturally, not require a lot of work on the basic stuff, ya know?
Me: I’ve been dating too, and when I am with other women my mind is on you. W think back to when we were dating, we had the time of our lives. I realize that you probably need to feel like you are justifying your decision, but there is an awful lot at stake here to be close minded about this. Our marriage is over, I get that, it was destroyed by both of us. That doesn’t mean that we can’t build a friendship and see what may or may not grow from that. If you didn’t still have feelings for me you would not have reached out to me on Monday. Our story had only started, it doesn’t have to end unless you close the book.
You still don’t understand where I was and the battles I was facing in our first months, I wish we could sit down and talk sometime. I am not pressuring you to do anything, I am just trying to communicate my thoughts, which I know was one of our challenges. When we were “dating” things did come naturally, we couldn’t get enough of each other. Then real life set in…
W: H, we already closed the book. It’s ok to express that some things are missed though. Part of the process is forgiving and remembering the good.
Me: I’m going to again have to respectfully disagree. The book will be closed if you serve me divorce papers. I have forgiven you in my heart for everything. Factually, you chose to close the book when you started the affair, I did not. I know I played a role in that happening but it was ultimately your decision that I forgive you for because I had put you though the same when we were dating. I do find it unusual that you were in such a rush to get married for the eyes of the children, yet you have no problem dating your affair partner in front of them while you’re still married. If you haven’t read, relationships born of adultery do not tend to last. I reiterate you have my full forgiveness for our past and as my actions prove I love you with all my heart.
On a side note if you were making it a point to remember the good we would be spending some kind of time together. I think you have to instead concentrate on the ad to justify your decision making. I focus on the good, because I know our bad was driven by BS. That’s why I am still there for you.
Couple days later:
Me: Hey how’s <sister>
W: Hey, she’s hanging in there. Still not able to handle the feeding regimen so they are still working on a plan for her. Insurance won’t cover the food mixture that goes into her intestinal tube so she had to switch to a cheap mixture that has her in a lot of pain. Not sure why, but I guess it’s too rough for her to process. I’m trying to get her to tell me the price difference so I can help. I think she’s suffered enough (even though the surgery was optional nobody should have to go through all that she’s been through).
Me: I’m glad she’s ok but sorry to hear she’s having complications. How are you? I ‘d like to help just let m know how. I could actually use a favor.
W: What favor do you need?
Me: In our discussion Monday you said this: “It’s like I said – there are things about you that I miss but nobody is perfect in every way. There are things about you that I don’t miss that are serious issues and would continue to be so.” In my quest to be a better man I wanted to see if you will email me a list of what you felt were the positive and negative aspects of our relationship. Just at your convenience I know you’re busy.
W: It’s not things for you to change. Just things that are different between us.
Me: Would it be hard to put those thoughts in an email that I can read please? You continue to reflect on the negative and I understand why. The same differences existed when we fell in love W.
W: I know! That’s why I said we should have acknowledged those differences and not ignore them. They are not things you need to fix for the next girl though, just differences.
Me: Why can’t we acknowledge and discuss this now? W, people and couples make mistakes. Our falling in love and getting married was not a mistake. And if the differences were so significant how did we fall in love in the first place? That makes no sense.
W: I know you don’t want to hear this but I know that there is someone out there who is better for you than I am.
We had a lengthy phone conversation, she made it clear she is still seeing her affair partner and may be falling in love with him. I kept my cool despite this although I did slightly spun up when financial matters came up.
Me: I misspoke a couple of times today and for that I apologize. I have matured a lot, when I talk to you I get spun up because the way I feel about you and this situation that we shouldn’t be in. Watch and see how my words match my actions going forward. I made mention that you owed me a chance. You don’t owe me anything, a chance, respect, love or otherwise. I hope that one day your heart will lead you to realize that I am the partner that you once dreamt of and so much more if you would only open your eyes and heart to see it. Despite my mistakes and poor decisions your happiness has always been my primary goal. You know you were always my Princess. I am always here for you W.
W: Dang. Can you share the rhapsody account? Lol
Me: It’s all you. I would babble about how much I love you but you already know that. I hope your weekend is half as lovely as you are.
W: Lol Thanks!! 
5/31
W: What’s the name of the beach me u and SS1 stayed at with the boardwalk? I want to see about taking the kids there for a few days this summer cause it may be cheaper than Myrtle.
Me: Virginia Beach
W: Oh ok. Thank you!
Me: You’re welcome have fun
6/1
W: Hey I have a question about financial stuff. Do you have a capital one account that has my name on it too?
Me: I gave you a credit card to hold for emergencies, is it a Capital One card? You’re an authorized user on that account. I’m available to talk at 11 if you want to discuss.
W: I’m going to kill somebody today.
Me: Calm down it’s Friday and you’re going to the beach. Sorry you’re having a bad day.
W: I’m not going to the beach today or at all this summer. Too expensive. Luckily there’s a neighborhood pool that the kids can enjoy lol
Me: Never say never, a lot of things could happen over the summer.
W: Capital one reported that on 4/9 my acct went over the limit. I’m never over the limit and I pay it off in full every month. That stupid broad tried to tell me that it takes “total charges” for the cycle period when it reports to the agencies, regardless of whether I paid it completely off midcycle. That’s BS
Me: I’d recommend a loving husband who is good with financial matters. Alternatively I use an Equifax monitoring service that would notify you of such incidents.
W: Well I use score sense to monitor, that’s where the confusion started. I’m cancelling it now though how much do you pay for Equifax?
Me: 10.95 a month I’m back up to 773! Man why do you sound so angry in the grand scheme of things this really isn’t a big deal…
Me: Sent her a funny pic and said hope your day gets better!
Her: Funny :-)
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
