It's been a while as I had to detach from all things related to my sitch, including the W for the most part in the last two weeks anyway... I am very thankful for the hard hitting advice I last received from everyone who commented on my sitch, oldtimer especially my hat is off to you, you put things in a way even a hardhead like me eventually understand. In the last month I have done some significant inventory and ended things with the young lady I was dating. I felt a new thread was in order because I'm really in a new place, should anyone care to reference the history of my ridiculous sitch here are the links:
I've done a longwinded summary before but it really boils down to this, which hopefully shows some change in perspective. 1) I met my W in February 2009, the same month the divorce of my first marriage was final. She is a single mother of 3 and I have no children. 2) We dated and fell in love, I was unfaithful during our dating period and she found out and supposedly forgave me for my misstep, we got engaged in 12/2010. 3) We married in 5/2011. I did many things financially for my wife and stepchildren but was not the husband or stepfather that I should have been. I was sober from 12/2010 to 5/2011 but started occasionally drinking again. I verbally abused my wife on a handful of occasions during drunken tirades. 4) In August of last year my W opened a match.com account and started an affair before we were legally separated. I found this out, confronted her and OM, and she filed a 50B restraining order as a result. I violated this order by coming into her house when OM was there, she called the cops and I was arrested. She readily admits I have never laid a hand on her nor stepchildren, my beef was the OM not her at the time. I offered my full forgiveness at the time and wanted to reconcile to no avail. 5) I have been nothing but faithful to my wife since our engagement (not including after legal separation took place).
Recent update/Facts: 1) I haven't seen my wife since Valentines day. 2) I haven't communicated with my wife since 6/1. 3) W had a crisis last month and reached out to me for support which I provided. 4) Our anniversary was 5/21 which against good advice I acknowledged, I broke the 37 rules and no surprise didn't make any headway. During these discussions she admitted she thinks she's falling in love with her affair partner. 5) I ended the R with the girl I was dating, we still chat occasionally, she thinks I'm insane to consider R with my W as many others do. As such I am "alone" for the first time since 2000 or so. 6) I continue to show unconditional love to my W and stepchildren with no expectations in a variety of ways.
I am adopting as my new mantra what Verlon recently posted:
Originally Posted By: Vorlon
1. You are the prize 2. You are a good man that any good woman would want 3. You can't change the past 4. If your W is unhappy that is her problem to deal with 5. If you have issues, fix them but not for her 6. There is always someone else who will apprcieate you 7. There is always someone else in worse shape than you 8. If you want to be happy fix YOU first. You can't fix her. 9. Decide if you want to be married to the alien that has become your wife..If so, why in the world would you want that??? 10. The sooner you get your head on straight and realize you can handle life without your current wife. The sooner you will get the wife you want and deserve. That may or may not be your current wife. 11. The pain will not go away or lessen until you face these things and take action. 12. It is all up to you. You decide how long you suffer. This is not negotiable.
THANKS FOR THIS VORLON, I AM ALL GOOD ON 1 THROUGH 8! :-)
9 through 12 is where I'm at right now. I am at the point where I need to make a decision for myself. Obviously she doesn't want to see me because I haven't seen her in 4 months. Obviously she doesn't want to talk to me since we rarely communicate.
I think she is a WAS/MLC hybrid. I know that time is supposed to be our friend but I can't say I feel that way, I feel exactly the opposite. Some may not agree but this one really moved me this week.
Quote:
"Time is the most valuable thing on earth. More valuable than money will ever be. When you spend money you can always get more of it. When you spend time you can NEVER get it back.
You know how much money you have at all times. You have no idea how much time you have and therefore must spend it very sparingly.
You must avoid people who don’t appreciate or take for granted your time. You must loathe people who waste your time, as that is the most offensive thing any one person can do. Time should always be spent doing things you enjoy and what makes you happy. Anytime you feel miserable change something, and change it quickly, before your time runs out." – Unknown
I have been dark for 2 straight weeks now with no contact. Our eligible filing date is August 27th. I have shown her by my actions what my story is, my train of thought at this point is that if something significant has not changed by August 27th it would be in my best interests to file and move on. That date will mark the most excruciating year of my 38 years of existence. She has had more than ample time to come to whatever conclusions she needed to come to, and obviously those don't involve me in any way minus the times that she needs something or advice. If something hasn't changed significantly in the next 2.5 months I'm pretty sure I will feel that I have suffered long enough.
This two week stretch is longer than I have ever been dark, so I am truly in the LRT. The problem is I honestly don't know what I want. I know my only option is the LRT at this point, but I have a feeling I will end up just end up fading into the background for her. Perhaps that is for the best for all involved. I still love her and my stepkids and miss them very much, but maybe God has another plan for me and them. I have finally forgiven her in my heart, and hold no grudge for anything in the past, it is what it is.
I'm going to post our recent communication history as a follow on here. 2x4's are deserved on the comm's as I KNOW I MESSED UP AND SHOULDN"T HAVE WENT DOWN THAT ROAD. Positive thing is I've been TOTALLY DARK for two weeks tomorrow...
Thanks to anyone willing to provide feedback or opinions, I know I am sadly very long winded. Good luck to all in your respective sitch's!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
