Had an affair 3 years ago, DH still struggling

[25yearsmlc]

mystify,

I feel for you and admire your stand. I want to tell you a true story from my childhood.

We grew up near an Army family and the dad was a Colonel. He was a former POW in Vietnam for 6 years. He and his w were married with 5 kids.

He had an affair before they moved into our neighborhood.

Oh, how did I know he had an affair, when I was only 17? b/c EVERYONE KNEW

b/c his wife would leak it out ...

when I'd ask him about the POW times she'd change the topic, every time. I thought maybe she was protecting him but no, she didn't want him to be admired by us, or even their children.

She chose the worst of all avenues. To stay married & stay miserable.

Today, 30 plus years later, of her 5 kids, 4 are unmarried, with each having divorced one or more times. One has never been married.

The legacy she could have given her children, after the affair

could have been one of forgiveness, redemption, committment and love.

Hers was not.

Seems your h wants to hold this over your head forever like the sword of Damacles, or throw it in your face every time the whim strikes him.

I am not defending your affair. But if he cannot get past this, after you've done all you can to make it up and regain his trust

then what's the point of all this effort?

HE has a choice to make now..to forgive you, which requires letting it go & never bringing it up,

or to end it b/c he won't let it go.

Getting cheated on is serious. When a man feels his "man hood" has been stripped, it's not a lightweight feeling. It makes you lose all feeling of stability, strength and resolve.

was there something in her post that made you think SHE wasn't taking it seriously?

In my situation my erections where affected. We have been over for years, and I was able to find out that my erections still did work for women outside of the situation.

Why not show the husband love through actions and feed him and help him to feel more secure with you? Alot of it will be love making and trust building and acts of kindness.

did you read what SHE wrote? I mean after the part about her having an affair, or did you tune it all out and think about his sexual dysfunction, which she did NOT mention him having?

Did you read what she did and said to regain the marriage, that she expressed love, they make love and did you read what her husband to her, now a full 3 years post affair?

What do you say about HIS behavior? He gets to keep swinging the bat at her as long as HIS MANHOOD isn't what it should be.

Wow...I gotta go w/Bond on this but I won't beat a dead horse. Hope you get it.

I mean why break it up if you feel bad, know you shouldn't have done what you did, you still love your husband and want him - and why shoud he leave when he put all this time in.

Hmmm, I am pro marriage. But as to why should SHE leave? Because HE'S mistreating her now, has been for a long time and seems to think he gets a blank check on being a jerk to her forever, b/c she hurt him 3 years ago and she sees no signs of his improving the way he treats her. That's a reason why.

why should HE leave?

B/c he won't forgive her...

But for the record I never saw forgiveness growing up. IT's a learned skill.

Mystfy, check out the book "After the Affair" to see if it helps and get a solution based therapist.

No more rehashing the past and reliving the trauma.

What helps your marriage NOW?

Do more of that. What hurts it now? Do less or none of that...

That's DB 101...get the books and read them.

It's a simple but radically different approach from most mc's...