Results of confronting the other guy?

[25yearsmlc]

25,

Why is this such a hot button with you? Every time the whole "exposure" thing comes up, you practically become unglued.

no need to get personal Starsky. That seems to be an over reaction on your end. I saw the damage it already did for this guy, and then another poster repeated the advice as if nothing had already happened.

Look, I realize it's against the DB/DR catechism, but to say that "every single time, it's blown up in their face" simply isn't true.

I think/hope I said I've seen it happen and it's always backfired. That is true from my perspective/experience. I have HEARD of it working once, somewhere around here but they were NOT talking about exposing the OM, or telling unrelated "public" third parties.

They were talking about bringing in specific family members. I still don't know if it worked long term, and I wonder. But their claim was that the wife came home and it had been about a month, at the time.


And BECAUSE it's against DB policy, we're not allowed to talk about it, so we're hardly a representative sample here, don'tchathink?

hmmm, I will have to ponder that^^ b/c I think you're saying a DBer is less likely to try so, how would we know? But I don't know that there is empirical data to support that. DBers do a lot of things to make it work and we often do the "non DB things" first, repeatedly. God knows I did.

But then again, because it's counter to DBing, I think it's WHY I react the way I do. You say we aren't supposed to talk about it. Not sure if you mean the "exposers" aren't or the rest of us. But like so many, we react from our own personal experience. I'm no exception!

I embrace this particular concept of DBing more than some of the other concepts. Why?

I think it's b/c I react against what I see as a punitive action by an LBSer in part b/c I wanted to do the same things to my h.

I had some "weapons" against him that I so wanted to use when I was at my lowest. Back then, I was making it all about him and what HE was doing to ME and our family. (My mother did this with my alcoholic father for most of their 44 year marriage so yes, I know where I learned it.)

But I also knew I wanted to have NO regrets later on. I really valued the concept of thinking "wow, I truly did MY best" so that no matter what happened, i could leave it in God's hands & be at peace.

Thanks to my DB coach, mostly, When I finally confronted myself to ask whether whatever comment or act I was about to do was coming from my anger
& ego, as opposed to something healthy or productive or loving inside me.

well, Damn it Starsky, those "show them the consequences!" justifications I had
were almost always from a place of anger and pain.

That realization was a turning point for me. And That dark part of me was something I fought with for a long time.

And either b/c I'm a L, or b/c of my 12 step past work, I know I rationalize my actions very well. At times I am not even aware of it, so I have to extra vigilant.

So it was extremely hard for me to face & admit that my "teach them a lesson" belief system was NOT a "fair & reasoned argument", or a "JUSTICE" seeking cause, at all.

It was simply an excuse to try and hurt/shame my h...I was bitter & wrong.

I mean, shame him into what? A cowed man who slunk home to beg me for forgiveness? Gross. A bitter defensive man who hated me and never came home? Just as bad.

The more I thought about it the more repelled I was at that image of him and at myself for wanting, at some weird level, to create it. It was so unloving of me

All while talking about being pro family and pro marriage, the truth was at times I just wanted to hurt him, badly.

To this day, I'm ashamed of myself for reacting that way and for justifying it for so long. My God, I had my self righteous arsenal of arguments ready at hand, for months!! Ready to launch at any time...

So maybe the whole "exposure" thing does touch a nerve in me.

But maybe not b/c of the reasons you surmise. Reminds me of the parts of myself I've worked very very hard to eradicate. Interesting. I will ponder it.

And I DO think this is too new for NGU. Forgiveness and letting go of this pain will take time and it's awfully new to wrap your brain around it at this point.

But it is also the time for mistakes to be made that cannot always be undone.
SO caution in that area is important and posts that say "just do it" concern me.

I think a fairer way to put it would be to say "reasonable people disagree about this very controversial topic, but it is strictly against DB policy and it says so right here on this forum" ... or some such.

More broadly than just this one sub-topic, I am a proponent of the "more actions, less talk" school. Talk is cheap, and wayward spouses will quickly just learn to tune you out.

Starsky

I may have to go read your history again b/c now I can't recall what worked for you and what did not. But If I got this last part correctly, at least part of it I totally agree with.

There is a myth that many of us had that if we SAID the right thing the right way (or enough times) it would finally sink into the WAS...and boy was that wrong. It makes us feel we are "doing something".

Whereas brevity w/words shocks the WAS. The LBSer who learns to shut up and think before speaking, gets farther in this. So yes, the less said, usually, the better.