Results of confronting the other guy?

[25yearsmlc]

Don't ever threaten him, just do it.


what on earth does that^^^ mean? It's wild & reckless to suggest he "just do it."

What is the GOAL of exposing an OM, who has not yet been physical and denies a true affair?

TO shame the OM publicly (gee that sounds noble, and NGU wants to be seen as the good guy here, not the petty angry man stomping his feet in anger)

and thereby somehow make OM give up & see it's not worth it? But that just does NOT happen. Do not do what does not work.


AND MOREOVER, even if it did make OM think twice, so what?

That would do nothing for the marriage & it would push his wife farther away. ISn't it obvious that is what has already happened?

I've seen the "exposure to others" thing done before, several times even though we always urge the DBer LBSer NOT TO DO IT...

they get too angry and say they "can't take it" and every single time, it has blown up in their face.

Sometimes it's just the last straw for the WAS and there's no going back then.

The more people who hear about this stuff, the worse it is for NGU and his family.

I would urge YOU to Read the books before you tell a guy who wants to make this marriage work, to just "Do it".

IF NGU tries to blame all this on OM and shows his w's dirty laundry and shames HER too

(b/c make no mistake, exposing OM means calling his wife a pretty bad name, whether he says it out loud or not.

And he has kids and she is the mother of his children. This isn't the honorable thing to do.

She may not "deserve defending" in your eyes

(but I tend to think the co-parent deserves to be seen in the best light for the kids sake, and that means putting the kids' needs ahead of our own "need" to hurt someone b/c we are in pain)

AND GUESS WHAT? NGU's wife AND HE, admit there were "other problems" which we never get to hear about, but we know they exist...

So Might she fight back with her side of the story, PUBLICLY & then they'll have dragged their kids into it (b/c they'll be "exposed" too)


and then the chances of any reconciliation will dive bomb. And for what?

THE GOAL OF THIS MAN IS TO SAVE THE MARRIAGE. THE GOAL OF THIS SITE IS TO SUPPORT THAT EFFORT...

We dont' tell folks to save your marriage "at all costs". We tell them to "save yourself and let's hope the marriage benefits"

which means we help the LBSers work on THEMSELVES...they are all they control.

Worrying about OM takes the focus off the ONLY person NGU can control, HIMSELF. HIS OWN WORK, his own growth and changes that he admits he needs to make ought to be his priorities now and that includes being the best father he can be.

Your advice to "just do it" is not consistent with DBing, and it's the OPPOSITE OF Div Busting.

Read Bond's reply (b/c I know you didn't read mine) and Bond's is a lot shorter.

Trying to "exposing" the OM just makes the h look weaker.

or maybe I misunderstand what you are trying to say.???

Detach, take care of yourself like you are a single male, and decide how much you are ultimately willing to take.

I wonder if spouces new that their actions could put their relationship partner in the grave, or hurt their life tremendously if they would still do it. [/quote]

DaddlyLongshanks,

Sorry for the length of this but it's important.

What do you mean by this comment? Are you talking about suicide here or what?

I know it deeply wounds someone to discover an affair. I get it.

But nothing someone else does, gets to ruin MY LIFE.

(And Not to quibble or minimize NGU's pain, but again, NGU's wife has not even seen this OM in a decade. It's not a PA at all, and OM doesn't declare his love for the wife either. So let's not attach quite the same label to all "improper" contacts)

But we LBSers are responsible for how we choose to react when we are in pain.

This pain we feel is deep, but it is NOT eternal and it is NOT Fatal. We cannot blame the WAS for our actions to theirs.

We are in control of ourselves. Our children are watching us. We must show them that we/they can grieve AND RECOVER...

The idea that taking our life would punish the person who wounded us is way off track. Sadly, it's a huge misconception.

TO put it crudely,

"hanging onto pain/anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes."

I know of 3 suicides of people I truly knew. The saddest part, maybe, and the irony of it all, is how much anger and relief the suicide produced in the very people the deceased person thought would feel regret or sorrow!

The left behind familiy and loved ones just feel a ton anger and disappointment in the decedent.

And the "guilty" adulterer often tells himself - OR IS TOLD BY OTHERS that

"Clearly, LBSer was not emotionally healthy or mentally well. A bit of a loser to take his own life. Talk about co-dependent. SHE was RIGHT to leave him"

AND MAYBE they'll "thank God it's over at least". They might regret "how" they told the LBSer or "not communicating THEIR unhappiness earlier"

but they'll never take responsibility for someone else's suicide and I don't think they ought to, tbh.

If there are children in your picture, as there are in NGU's, I strongly urge you to get help and model for the kids how THEY will need to face the setbacks and emotional wounds life gives all of us at some point.

I am taking all this time to reply to this topic b/c we had a suicide last year, of the WAW herself. (See 9lives' thread for that story).

She really was not well...

Please get counselling and if need be, get medications. NO shame in that. Been there, done that. Just getting a good night's sleep helps everything look better and helps us think more clearly.

and eating right, exercising, prayer, support systems, personal growth and often a bettter R with God, all help us become better, stronger people.

Better, stronger people make better, stronger spouses.

((( )))