Swimming with Turtles pt 2

[zig]

yup - we had issues too - the same way - he always waited for me, and i always wanted him to show more. but that came after he asked an di refused several times - baby years and then the accident

oh well

i am a little growly since he came over this morning.

he caught me off kilter.

pissing hell! he came late to pick up son - was really groggy - had seriously overslept and his class was starting in one minute.

then he says - s and i are going camping so we are going to come back later and pick up the camping gear. i said, well that's not possible because i'm going camping and am going to use it. he said well then all we need is s's sleeping bag - are you going to need that? and i said of course not.
i got slightly hassled and said, why didn't you just let us know about it so we could have brought the stuff up and had it ready. his reply - well why can't we stop by and get it later

i looked a bit incredulous and said - why do you think? and he got the message that it's not okay for me - i turned and walked down to the basement and he followed me - got the stuff and came back up.

as we walked out to his truck, i said - does it really have to be so stressful and last minute all the time - can't we have it a bit different where we can just let each other know and then it's no big deal.

he went into how stressed he was and his class had started 5 mins ago and he just hadn't thought about it. (poor guy - he did look stressed, but for once i didn't feel as if it was my problem)

i said bye have a great trip, and he turned to s and said did you say bye to zig (never refers to my relationship with s as his mother). instead of my usual hugging and kissing i just said bye s (we had already cuddled and said our byes before h got here), casually and walked back in

there's something going on - he told me that the entire week he hasn't slept and has been awake since 4 am - and he looks pretty trashed. cleaned up and stuff, but definitely struggling with something.

not my problem! but i was really irritated over the assumption that he could stop by later. same passive aggressive trip on his part - oh you're taking off on a trip you won't tell me about, here let me show you that i'm still in charge here, and i'll stop by the house if i feel like, while you're gone!!

sorry just had to vent a bit. probably bunged up the db'ing - but i've given up here, i think!! couldn't care less what the effect was - tired of walking eggshells around him and his issues right now.

mlc or not - this whole thing is getting a bit ridiculous. something has got to change - and i just have to figure out what that might be.

i can't help thinking that in his family the only way real messages get across is when they show each other great disdain. maybe that would be a good 180 here - i never tried that -it was always anger or frustration. maybe a little eye-rolling is in order. god knows i got enough of that from him over the years - maybe he needs a dose of it himself!!

am i irritated enough!!

zig

ps. i'm NOT mind reading here - but i can't help noticing that ever since i set those last boundaries - he hasn't been sleeping!! i'm not reading anything into it - just observing. and also from what i know of h, he always woke up like this at 4 am when he was really stressed about something, and of course that trashes his brain because he's one of those that doesn't function well at all unless he sleeps a full 8 hrs (unlike me who can go on 3)

and i find it a bit odd that he wants to talk to me about it - i've just mildly validated that it must be hard, and it's too bad and i wonder why, but my responses have been sort of casual and a little surprised - as in hmm wonder why that's happening do you know.

of course i know him well enough to know that his mind is cycling big time and he lies there trying to decide between whether he should or he shouldn't about whatever the issue is (it's a very strong pattern of his all his life)