Results of confronting the other guy?

[25yearsmlc]

My wife is involve in an EA with a guy from out of state. To be brief, we have gone downhill and she is moving out this weekend into an apartment. You can read details under Walk Away Spouses forum under topic "oh crap, here we go again."

I have not read that thread, so maybe my advice would be different. Is this a fair summary of that post?

When I first found out about the other guy, I confronted the wife.
We were also going through other problems.


what was your goal in confronting him over the phone? Have you read the Div busting books, either of them? PLEASE DO SO ASAP

no doubt you have other problems b/c these EAs don't spring up out of nowhere. That isn't me blaming you but it is an attempt for you to not over simplify things. I have a feeling that the OM may have simply been a catalyst for your w to want out of the marriage as it has been unhappy for her for awhile.

did you ever tell your w how YOU COULD CHANGE to improve the m?

She ultimately said she wanted to work on our marriage as we have almost 20 years invested. (I'm really shortening details here to give a thumbnail sketch.) She said she told him their communications were improper and he agreed to stop also.

For several weeks, I thought things were 180 degrees better.

why did you believe that? How were things better?



UNTIL I FOUND OUT SHE WAS STILL COMMUNICATING WITH HIM from her work email and work phone. Another blow up with the wife and I told her to leave.


but what if you had NOT confronted or snooped and instead just kept working on the marriage?

IOW, what if you were right and things were improving - but she wasnt' yet ready to let go?


The same day, I called him. He first tried to make it sound like he was just an old high school friend who had reconnected with a classmate. After confronting him with facts (times of calls/texts, number of connections, etc.) he admitted it was improper, but he hasn't seen her in 10 years.

I asked if he knew she was married and had two children. I asked if he knew he ruined a marriage as we were divorcing.

Seriously? I mean, do you really truly believe 1) your wife wants out of the marriage AND 2) IF SO, that it's all or even mainly b/c of a guy she hasn't seen in 10 years?

what about your "other problems"? You have said virtually nothing about those so I have no idea what you "fighting for the marriage" would look like-does she?

Other than confronting OM and your wife, repeatedly, what does "Fighting FOR" the marriage look like to you? So far the constant snooping and confronting has only forced them underground so far. It is NOT helping your situation to confront and snoop.

You know what you have to work on in you, right? Then the snooping does nothing more for you but makes it worse. you are obessing and not focussing on what needs changing in YOU.

OH this is SO important to realize-

YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER WHAT THEY DO - SO STOP PRETENDING YOU DO...LET THEM GO...

YOU ONLY CONTROL YOU...



He said he felt terrible but he thought she was going to work on the marriage. I asked how she could if he was still in the picture. He ultimately said he would tell her they would no longer be in contact and he felt terrible. I almost believe him and wonder if my wife is egging this on. He said he would cancel his upcoming trip to our hometown (high school reunion).

My wife is still moving out this weekend. I assume at this time she is still thinking about him. I noticed on the computer history today that she has been in contact with him as of this morning on facebook.


You say you want to work on the m, right? Okay, good. So how on earth does more snooping help you do that? ANSWER: It does not.

and don't mind read that she's always still thinking about him. You don't know what she is thinking or feeling. How old are your kids and what are they up to now?


I am not going to do anything until I discuss with the counselor next week.


well thank God for that! There is no rush. This is a marathon- not a sprint.

I previously told my wife I was still going to fight for my marriage even after she moved out. I would continue to honor my vows as long as I wore my ring. I want to contact the other guy and tell him I am still fighting for her. To tell you the truth, I half way thought he MIGHT discontinue conversations based on my talk with him. I almost want to threaten him with exposure if he continues with her.

possibly the worst idea you've had. this ALWAYS makes the LBSer look like a loser and the OM like a rescuer. People will NOT condemn her or him, if that's what you think. It's almost the opposite.

YOU Will be shunned, not him. You will be making them uncomfortable with your pain, and since your real goal is to shame him, that looks petty and vindictive, (and it is) which is not attractive.

Sorry, but this always hurts the cause. I have seen LBSers do it, including on FB and on high school class FB pages too. I have never seen it help, and have only seen it backfire.

Plus if you want the marriage to be saved you must Keep the Road Home, Paved and Smooth.

The more people who know about this, the harder it would be for her to come back.


I know if he does stop and he tells her I contacted him, it may do more damage between us. Should I care?


of course you should care...(WTH does that question mean if you are "fighting for the marriage"....hurting things between you is NOT fighting for your marriage).

My question is this? Has anyone EVER been successful in this approach or has it backfired.

I have seen marriages survive affairs but no, I have not seen them survive with what your approach seems to be.

You have said your peace to the OM, and to your w. Now she needs to believe marriage to you could be better/different and you need to show her that.

OM is a symptom and nothing more.

He deserves no more of your time or energy b/c that takes your focus off what is important, which is you becoming a man only a fool would leave.


After reading this again, I know I sound like an idiot but I am still on the roller coaster and am still dizzy.
Any response is helpful....

I'm going to submit a post from another woman. She had left her h for OM but the lbs H wanted to make things work. He made changes that were needed and then wondered why she had not yet returned...

One question she asked which I hope you'll consider, is whether you want to work on THIS marriage to this woman, meaning making some really deep changes in yourself

or if you just want to "win" b/c an OM is involved...

it's really important to ask yourself that.



FROM A WAW TO A LBS HUSBAND WHO HAS CHANGED AND WONDERS WHY HIS WAW HAS NOT COME HOME YET AND HOW SHE CAN BE AT ALL INTERESTED IN OM….

When I read your interactions with your wife, I could so easily identify with your wife's feelings/words/sentiments. I have been in her position in my M. I was the ignored, the devalued, the one who was treated as less than. I even got chills when she talked about the FB issues, because I've been there and done that, bought the t-shirt Of course, my H went a step further and cheated, then left, adding an extra crunchy layer of goodness to my sitch.

One of the things that I have tried my hardest not to do, is not to engage with another man. Not just because of my marriage vows, but because I knew that when I truly engaged in any type of R with another man, it would make it that much harder to ever reconcile with my H. Because being treated differently (better) than the way he treated me would lessen him so much in my eyes. So, I can see where your W is coming from. When you've been mistreated to the point where you actually let go of your R enough to let another person into your heart or bed or whatever, it takes a boatload of work to get back on a page where you're recommitted to being with your S - and those uncertainties that she's expressed to you, I don't know if you truly, truly fathom how deep they run.

Six months of getting back on a page where you treat her the way that any wife should be treated does not even scratch the surface of the years, the intrinsic devaluing that occurs when you're systematically mistreated for such a stretch of time. And I promise you that while you have recommitted and worked for 6 months, your W has simply been trying to get to a point where she can even buy into the changes, where she can even think that you might have changed and not scoff at the thought. Because when you build up hope again and again and again in your H and he crushes it again and again and again, you develop a thick skin, a protective doubt, a conditioned response to even the slightest, grainiest seed of hope. You are taught that when you hope, you will be disappointed. When you try, you will fail. You are taught that you will never be what he wants and it is hard to shake what you have come to believe is reality.

And for the changes that you've made to have come only when she walked away and OM became competition, I can definitely see how she can doubly doubt that you truly want to be in a M with her, and not just to win.

Even you today say that you are not sure that you don't just want to win.

Step 1 - figure that sh!t out ASAP. Because if you actually do manage to convince her that you really do want her and really have recommitted to her and you actually just want to win, you'll put her through hell.
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