Lost

[dscl]

I'm still playing catch up on your sitch...

so you had the DB books and were reading them but still confronted her and then STILL gave her an ultimatum? WHAT WAS YOUR GOAL??

She saw zero change in you before you forced a choice from her.

Do you see how your impulsiveness and anger/fury refusal to DB at all,

did NOT HELP YOUR SITUATION? Can you see this?

Hey I know you are hurting but can you process new information and take it in?
I need to know this or it's a waste of time to post to you before you are able to "hear" us.

So I could no longer take it. I txt the W and told her I knew. She txt back what are you talking about? I said I would not discuss it over the phone, with 30mins she was here. I ask her do you have something to say to me? She got very defensive and told me to stop playing game. I told her this is not a game, I reminded her that the last time we talked I asked her not to lie if she had feelings for someone else and you did. She finally said yes she was with someone else. We talked for about an hour about all our old issues I told her I knew we both mad mistakes but I wanted to fix them. I ask her if she lover the OM, she got quiet so I asked again, and then she said YES. I told her that she had to choose our family or OM. She said she needed couple of days to think about it.

INSTEAD you might have said "let me show you that things CAN be better between us" and then behaved differently....gosh this is unfortunate.


I said OK, seeing it was late and raining I could he she could stay in the guest room, and she said OK. I went to me room and sat in bed thinking about things
and then it hit me,

why are you not in the same bedroom? Do you both sleep in separate rooms normally? WHY? Wow that's a huge red flag to me.


why does she need a couple of days t think about family or OM?

WHY? B/C SHE IS CONFUSED....wow, do you see how your ego made this decision? And then she said "I choose OM"...so your approach needs to change asap.

I don't think it's too late but you must act now. Be less predictable and different.

Why I'm I given her this time and letting her sleep in our family house when she told me she loves OM? So I went to her room and told her I made up my mind. You either leave OM and commit to making our M work, or we can't begin to fix us. She told me she still needed a couple of days. I told her that it not an option, you either want to work on our M or you want to be with OM. She started with the ITLTL speak, and I told her we have not even tried to fix it and I did not want to be a plan B if the A with the OM did not work.


what was the rush? Geez...

She said then fine, I choose him. I then said OK you have to go and she left. I don't think it was fair to ask me her H of 10yrs to give her a couple of days to choose her family or some guy she has been with for a month.

Well, so, you don't think it was "fair" of her to want time to think? Your solution for "justice" was that when she fessed up like YOU demanded she do, and then she wanted time to think- late at night- you refused.

Giving her that time, could NOT have gotten a worse result than what you got by forcing her THEN & THERE.


Make no mistake. You forced her to choose b/c YOU could not handle any delay or uncertainty (which she has been living with for some time.)

Given that scenario, I can't imagine her not choosing OM. He sends love poems and expresses his love for her; you make demands, sleep in separate rooms and corner her late at night with lousy weather and kick her out when she's paying bills too. (Is the house ALL yours?)

As much as you hold her demanding job against her, I have to say it stinks to be a working mom with a tough job that requires travel b/c it's LONELY and if your h isn't attentive, it is a set up for failure.

Also, Don't assume her affair is one orgasm and laugh after another. It tears her up I'm sure. She is a mother and she's in a major league fog and she's been cornered by you and you showed her no hope of improving the marriage.

She wanted some time to reflect. You acted in haste and anger w/your wounded pride. I understand that, but I sure feel bad about that choice.


I don't know if this was the wakeup call she needed or the beginning of our D.
Either way, I'm ready to move on.

What? So after ONE LONG MONTH here, you are "ready to move on"....wow, that was the fastest choice to move on that I have seen on this board in my 6 years here.

A 10 year marriage with a child, then an affair of a few weeks or months, and you are "ready to move on".

Man you need to own a lot more of this situation b/c there's no way you are committed to change or working on the marriage if you are quitting this fast.

Now some people cannot forgive an affair. I don't judge them but I do hold them accountable for THAT choice.

If that's you, then so be it. But admit it and stop the score keeping and blame.

It's soooo counter productive. The separate bedrooms and the controlling impulsiveness you showed from the start, w/all the texting and pursuit and then all the anger and immediate demands for her to choose you or OM, NOW,
hey,

Spend your energy on making a better life for you, becoming a better more interesting involved man, a man only a fool would leave. And a great /grateful dad.

A confident loving man (even wounded men can have confidence) is far more attractive, and you need to give your w something to miss. And you need to give your d extra love.

She has not lived at home for the last two months, that was the first night she stayed here and that was the reason she was in the guest room.