Lost

[25yearsmlc]

Get your divorce preparation done asap... seperate bank account, photos of all property... document all time W is away and not parenting, screen shot those messages from lover.... document everything, play it cool like you don't know, then if she brings up divorce, you can lay down the law.

at the risk of offending, I must say I take issue w/ advice like this^^^.

it's all about ending the marriage, reeks of punishing and shaming her, letting your pride, anger and ego dictate. And what is the rush?

The affair is NEW so she's in a heavy fog...and
This guy is here trying to save his marriage and he hasn't even been here ONE MONTH!

Effectively saying to give her an ultimatum too...did you read the DB books Peringo?

They urge against ultimatums and this man is nowhere near ready to just end it all, despite his words of today. He's brand new and raw to all this, still reeling. No way is a decision to divorce NOW, a sound one.

Peringo, How did your approach work for your situation?

My other concern in this man's situation is his daughter. I'd be the best damn dad I could be. I'd be there for my d like never before b/c right now the mother is in la la land. she may notice his improved fatherly behavior and that will help but it's mainly for the daughter now.

If the dad checks out emotionally too, b/c of his pain and anger, she loses both parents.

Why not have the best summer of her life with her dad, let her mom miss out on that? Plan a trip with ONLY your d. That will get your w's attention. Do NOT invite her. Act as if you assume she's working and you and your d take a FUN trip you both plan together.

(I took my kids to italy when I realized my h would miss our 25th anniversary...boy did that bother him. I didn't know it then, but he told me later how much it bugged him knowing we were having a blast without him. Guess it gave him something to miss.

From MY perspective, what mattered is that I showed my kids that we could still have fun with or without h around, we would be alright no matter what-

and we went to a place none of us had been before and we all LOVED...without any reminders of h not being around. That also helped me not obsess...very helpful to all of us.

If all he does is show anger and pain and misery (aside from how UNattractive that will be to the wife who will NOT miss that stuff at all)

it also stinks for their daughter. GAL and take a trip even if it's just a weekend at the beach or mountain or some new area. Show your d a good time and that her life and family may change, but it will NOT END.

IF divorce talk comes up with your d, make sure you reassure her you will be there for her no matter what(sounds like full time). When my kids asked where their dad was and whether he loved them (since he was gone) I told them my truth--which I firmly believed...

"your dad is confused right now but I KNOW he loves you, & he'd kill or die for you" and I believe that to have been true. I also think he was selfish and dishonest but did THEY NEED to know that? No...plus, who says I'm totally right anhow?

Reassure her of all the things that won't change in her life. So if she can stay in the house she's in now, that's really good to know. If she gets to keep her same friends, staying in the same neighborhood, same school ALL of that is good for her to know. IF NOT, then reassure her of how often she will be able to return to them.

But most of this, really MOST ALL OF THIS is way too early to discuss with her unless she asks.

Also my mc said "Until you KNOW with certainty-like legal certainty-that a divorce is imminent, don't tell your kids. Things change. Plus the sooner they know the longer it takes and the less hope they have and it's more confusing if any reconciliatory acts take place. So don't tell until if and when you KNOW it'll happen SOON..."

til then, try saying, IF SHE ASKS about a divorce and only if

"I hope not b/c I've loved your mom a long time"... and tell her you are "working on things" and or, that you "still have some tricks up your sleeve" and if she blames your w totally, don't let her.

Honor your wife's reputation for your daughter's sake. Grasp this...your d will see the truth of things soon enough. Protect her as long as possible. Besides, is this behavior of your wife's new? Seems like it.

She might be acting a bit off b/c she needs help...let's hope she gets some.

((( )))