Part of me wants to start dating again. It’s been over 15 years!!! We’ve been separated about a month and a half now. Communications are pretty much all business. Now that we have a “routine” and a visitation schedule, the communication has slowed down a bit. It makes me miss her more but I think I have to let go if I want her back. What do you guys think?
People will have various opinions on this. but I will say after a month and a half there is absolutely no way you are ready to date again.
Right now you are hurt, disillusioned, and still in love with your wife. In fact you posted on my thread "do WAS was their S back after they've found someone" So is part of you wanting to date because you think that will get your W back? If so you'll be using that person you date.
IMO, it's a very very dangerous game. Even after I had a Change of Heart it was horribly confusing because I had developed feelings for the coworker I was seeing. He wanted to wait until things calmed down in my sitch (ie H moved out. because he'd been through a long D where they sep, rec, sep) The point is if you bring someone new into it...it's very easy to idealise this new clean empty slate.
And it's not fair to whoever you bring into it. You're not ready. You run the risk of rebound...losing yourself in them...never doing the work to become a better partner because you're in honeymoon stage and the infatuation makes it seem like it's perfect.
Not to mention, if you are doing it in hopes that your W will go oh my gosh he's moved on...I have to go see what that's about. It's manipulation and game playing and the worst kind because you're using some innocent person. Is that who you want to be.
I dated straight after and I regretted it. And I look back and what I should I have asked myself...and what you should have asked yourself is WHY do you want to date? WHAT do you think it will give or bring to your life?
Think really really hard about those things...what is it that you think dating will give you...and then address those issues within you.
I don't know how old you are but at 34 I'm finally understanding the role I've let men play in my self-esteem, my self-worth, my happiness, and my life fulfillment and I'm finally for the first time doing that for myself and it's better than any feeling I've ever had before.
I agree with Brit45, that it's a little early to be looking at dating again. It may be acting on the rebound and if you were doing it subconciously to illicit a reaction from your WAW, then you would not be having an honest relationship with the new person and that would hurt your integrity.
I suspect your WAW was feeling there needed to be changes in your relationship and is very confused at the moment as to where those changes need to come from. She may not recognise yet that she too is responsible for changes to be made and perhaps she thought she was giving YOU a wake up call by asking for a seperation. Now you "appear" to be doing just fine and she isn't and therefore she is probably second guessing herself as to your feelings to her. But still keep doing the detachment as it is clearly making her think!
I think rather than looking to other relationships, you need to find the relationship within yourself. I know I no longer know who I am any more, I have been a wife and mother for so long and I am still trying to work out what I actually want in life. I am confident once I know what I want, I will strive to achieve it, but it's happening upon it first. Do things you've always thought "one day I will...." Hopefully, then there will be fresh things to discover about each other. But immersing yourself into other relationships that will need to be taboo subjects if you do R, will leave little for you to share with WAW in the future.
Rough-don't rush in my opinion. You can always make the decision tom date later on down line, but let things just settle. You will be better for it.
It may be different for women and men. In fact it probably is. But I also do understand the loneliness and the need to feel good through external validation.
Hey, one of my guy friends started getting a little close - asking about me, texting etc and it felt great for my ego and self esteem.but when I thought about it, I was just falling into the same patterns as I used to do. Make a guy make me feel better. Which means I have no control over my emotions.
Just be sure as Brit said, to know why you want to date.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Make a guy make me feel better. Which means I have no control over my emotions.
YEP! I think our friends sometimes encourage this because they just want us to smile and "get over it" but it's so much better when that smile is from within and brought on by another person
Brit45, JH52, PennyHill, BustingOut and the rest of the DB community,
Thank you so much for all your input. All of you really help me see things a bit more clearly and help guide me to stay on track. I also noticed some consistent themes from all your feedback, all your input seems right on target.
Most of my “non DB” friends haven’t read the book so understandably there feedback is much different. While I appreciate the support from my non DB friends, I just don’t think they get it, justifiably so. A lot of their input is “what feels logical” however I think my friends on this board can agree that a lot of necessary steps we need to DB revolve around outside the box thinking.
I wanted to respond to the topic of dating again. My W and I have been together a long time. Over the years she’s been consistently very physically and emotionally distant which has taken its toll on me, I guess you could say we’ve been going down the cheeseless tunnels for a long time. It’s taken it’s toll on me. It’s beaten my self respect and confidence down to the ground.
I know this sounds a bit sappy but I miss the feeling of a physical and emotional connection. Even before I met my W, I was always in long term relationships. I am not used to being alone/single. It just seems like it would be so lonely. Even though I’ve felt lonely being married to my W over the last couple years. (Gezzz, am I contradicting myself or what)
Maybe this is good for me? As tough as it might me, maybe being alone for once will help me focus on ME! Maybe this time away will help me regain my self respect and confidence. I was told this could be a long ride for me and I think I am still in the beginning stages?
Once again, all of you are so great! I will always be very thankful for all your support.
roughenough
Me(M):37 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 1 D: 1 W wanted separation 5/5 Stopped living together 5/5
Brit45, JH52, PennyHill, BustingOut and the rest of the DB community,
Thank you so much for all your input. All of you really help me see things a bit more clearly and help guide me to stay on track. I also noticed some consistent themes from all your feedback, all your input seems right on target.
Most of my “non DB” friends haven’t read the book so understandably there feedback is much different. While I appreciate the support from my non DB friends, I just don’t think they get it, justifiably so. A lot of their input is “what feels logical” however I think my friends on this board can agree that a lot of necessary steps we need to DB revolve around outside the box thinking.
I wanted to respond to the topic of dating again. My W and I have been together a long time. Over the years she’s been consistently very physically and emotionally distant which has taken its toll on me, I guess you could say we’ve been going down the cheeseless tunnels for a long time. It’s taken it’s toll on me. It’s beaten my self respect and confidence down to the ground.
I know this sounds a bit sappy but I miss the feeling of a physical and emotional connection. Even before I met my W, I was always in long term relationships. I am not used to being alone/single. It just seems like it would be so lonely. Even though I’ve felt lonely being married to my W over the last couple years. (Gezzz, am I contradicting myself or what)
Maybe this is good for me? Maybe being alone for once will help me focus on ME! Maybe this time away will help me regain my self respect and confidence. I was told this could be a long ride for me and I think I am still in the beginning stages?
Once again, all of you are so great! I will always be very thankful for all your support.
Roughenough
Me(M):37 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 1 D: 1 W wanted separation 5/5 Stopped living together 5/5
I am new to separation as well, although it's going straight towards divorce. It is very confusing on how to act with the WAS especially when kids are involved. I don't know how nice to be to my H. I want to reconcile with him and even if that doesn't happen, I want to have a good working relationship with him for our daughter's sake but how do you do that? Especially when you are in so much pain. And you don't want to sabatoge anything that could help you get back together.
Me:29; W:37 T: 6 M: 4 D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17 H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12 H moved back in: 6/28/12 Confirmed EA: 8/12
