Lost

[25yearsmlc]

So to follow up on my venting from a couple of days ago.

is the venting helping you OR keeping you stuck in your anger?

it's an important issue to address honestly. A lot of us get stuck...don't stay that way. Letting go of your pain is a step that is mandatory to your healing.

It does not matter if you don't think she 'deserves" forgiveness b/c it's not for her benefit, it's for yours...see,


Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is

like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes...

your anger hurts YOU the most, your marriage next and her last, if at all.

In all likelihood it only confirms her choice to leave...anger isn't attractive and it helps fuel her choices, affirms & justifies them, and reminds her that she's glad to be gone.

so again, figure out how much the venting is "helping".



I think I'm at the point that I accept we will not be together. In the last two months I said I was sorry for the things I did wrong in our M and she has not accepted any of the issues that she caused.


This^^^ sounds a lot like score keeping. Score cards hurt marriages.

You pretended to make amends and be changing into a new more "aware" or loving h, but in reality you expected her to respond quickly AND in kind.

So your "amends" were given with expectations - and that more or less defeats the purpose of making them.

IF and when YOU are truly regretful for causing her pain, just express THAT and feel your regret so you don't repeat that mistake.

You have no control over her reaction. Just aim for feeling at peace with you owning your part and that's all. Period.

Not only that, but she continues to try and blame me for her A, and I'm done listening to it.

of course she blames you for pushing her into the arms of OM. How else would she feel justified in having an affair?

Did you want her to feel deep shame AND show it to you? Is that healthy or realistic?

Don't misunderstand me. I'm simply explaining to you that your w did not have the affair with the idea that she was being selfish or taking something she did not deserve.

While some men are serial cheaters, adultery is different for most wives. Almost all w's who have affairs have felt neglected, betrayed or even abused, long before the affair.

So IOW, they rationalize it...they feel entitled to the affair and there is almost always a certain amount of truth to their perception. Ponder that.

Arguing with her about the affair only makes her defend it more. And it makes her believe you are the same man as you were before, which is not what you want - b/c she left that man...

NOTE-- IF she does not believe marriage to you can be better or different than before - then it really is over.

But you would need to show her consistent change in YOU, and over time, in order for her to believe things could be better/different.

How have you done that? Consistently? Over how much time? B/C you sound like a man who wants to punish her 0r see shame from her, and if she isn't suffering enough for you, then you would rather end the marriage.

Self respect matters a lot - but don't confuse it with pride/ego. Don't confuse boundaries with punitive pettiness or vindictiveness either.

It's easy to confuse them b/c WE AE IN PAIN SO WE RATIONALIZE SHOWING OUR ANGER and call it something else...
Regardless of what you believe "really" happened, what matters is HER perception. That is hard to grasp but it's true.

I know that the things I did like, not give her more of my time, or show her how much I loved her where wrong,

did you try to work on things in the marriage? I mean BEFORE the affair? Your wording seems like you are minimizing the contribution you made to the affair.

What would SHE say you did or did not do?


but none of those gave her the right to have an A. If she felt that I did not give her what she needed and that I was a bad H,

more^^^ useless scorekeeping about how WRONG she is...okay we get it, but that blame game does not help you at all!!

Our 3 mc's told my h he was being "selfish" and "acting single" so I felt vindicated...but powerless. What was I supposed to DO with that insight?

So what if I was "right"? It changed nothing in my h's eyes or what he was doing.

I needed to change MY view and MY reactions...that changed the dynamic...

also, don't freak out, but to your w, well she may not have realized what she was missing til she had it with OM.

then she should had just told me she wanted a D, then we could have decided to either work on it with MC or just said OK to the D. The A is just a complete break of trust and to make it worst, to continue an A after I know about it is just a disrespect that I find hard to live with.

well, this ^^^is just more of the blame game from you and counting her sins over.
Seriously, do you see how you are glossing over your part in this big time?

As for her continuing the affair after you found out, here is some news for you. Sometimes the cheater feels that since the affair is out in the open, it's NOT dishonest or wrong. (That's one more reason I urge caution in exposing the affair if you can fix things without doing that-b/c you want the hiding more than you want an open affair)

AND second,

I'm NOT Defending her choices, but tell me why

she would end the affair if she is ending the m instead? Isn't that the choice she is making? How did you show her that you could get past this (and not throw it in her face every time you two fight or hold it over her head the rest of her life?

See, there are times that a WAW/WAH might want to come home but if she feels that she'll never be forgiven, then why bother trying? Sometimes it's way easier to blame the exh she chose to leave rather than try saving the damaged marriage...

While I'm said that my M is ending, at the end of the day I must be able to live with myself and be a good father to my D.

Thanks to everyone who has given me advice.

IF there is a chance at her waking up and wanting back into the marriage it will be ONLY b/c

*she believes marriage to you can be better/different than before.

* You are worth it b/c you are a good father and WILL BE a loving h to her

* you won't hold the affair over her head forever. You will let it go.

IMO, The worst choice in this scenario is probably not divorce. it's staying married AND staying miserable, showing resentment to your d the rest of her life...

So if you really want to be married, then make some changes

and know that if you become a man only a fool would leave,

and if she sees the loving interaction of her daughter with her father- she'll be moved. THEN She'd second guess her choice...she'd have to.