Do you know about the 'monkey on the shoulder'? Most of us have one, arising out of events that have happened to us in our lives. It sits there and whispers in our ear. First of all we have to identify it, THEN stop feeding it, It dies, within a short time, and we bury it.
At the risk of sounding very harsh I believe that bf at 40ish is continuing to 'use' his sexual abuse as a reason for avoiding intimacy. I have a good friend who was raped at the same age, and it is dealable with. Why would a sensible person contiue to allow one event to sabotage his relationship. I suspect that he actually doesn't want deeper intimacy with anyone.
Damage or no damage, I have come to believe that we choose to be who we are on a daily basis, and that therapy helps us to identify our problems, give us a toolkit, but it doesn't actually do the work for us. Many people make the mistake of thinking that going to therapy can solve problems. Yes, it can, but only if they put in some pretty heavy spade work!
You have come a long way. I suspect that what might actually cause your relationsihp with this guy to founder is that he is emotionally stuck, and we can't be with someone in an evolving relationship unless they also grow and evolve.
You know how some friendshps survive and prosper, and others, very close, fade away? i believe part of this is that one or other party stops growing. Of course interests change an so on, but there is a stuckness in some people and they keep going round and round.
