Crimson....just checkin' in.

[labug]

Hey LA - thanks for dropping in. Haven't heard from you in awhile - and I hope you are doing well!

Thanks Crimson, I'm learning and growing everyday. No closer to R as far as I can tell but it doesn't matter as much anymore because I've learned that my happiness doesn't need to be tied to other people.

With regard to $$$, I have never breathed a word about it to her at all in this process. Not even a vailed reference - I have literally been emotionless about money with her. Truth be told, SHE has said more about it than I have (though very little as well). I really take steps to keep my financial fears away from her because she thinks that's all I care about. If there is ONE thing that I haven't blown thus far - it's that. That said, I do get fearful about my future and my finances from time to time - not gonna lie. And yes, at times I DO get angry or resentful - but I keep it to myself and move on.

I'm sure you haven't mentioned it to her but you've brought up the unfairness of it in many posts here and you admit you resent it. It will seep out in subtle ways which you yourself may not even recognize. Been there done that, my friend.

And here's something I've learned the hard way, unless anger and resentment are dealt with, there is no moving on. It comes out, as my T says, sideways. We don't send a direct hit but we get our point across.

Re: codependence, I have never really thought about it from that angle. I don't FEEL as though I am - but maybe I don't even understand what it means. I think I have heaved so many "dysfunctional" mantles upon myself over the last several months I don't know if I have room for another!

Whether you heave the mantle on yourself or not, if it's there, it's there. I didn't believe it myself until I read more about it and saw my patterns of always needing validation, feeling my happiness depended on others, resentment when people didn't realize how much I helped them (tongue in cheek), fixing, controlling (or wanting to control), being hyperresponsible, judging myself, judging others.

You wrote this is an earlier post: This weekend I felt kind of paralyzed with sadness/depression. Probably because w was gone on vacation with S and I missed him - and if I am being honest, her as well. She periodically sent me a few pictures and it was good to see them - but at the same time looking at my S standing in front of the ocean in the Bay made me sad that I couldn't be there as well. I know my w didn't mean it as a taunt - but I felt that way at times. I was sad because it was something that would have been a great "family" thing to do and I felt the sense of loss. This weekend I found if hard to really enjoy much of anything.....it is difficult for me to detach right now. I am not reaching out to her at all, but I think about her and my son a lot. I hate to feel as if I am missing out on things in his life.
I know this is tough. When my adult sons were not with me at Thanksgiving last year it was very painful. But they wanted to be with family, they chose, I was happy for them and planned other things for me. Your son will always be doing things that you aren't involved in. That's healthy. Some sadness over him being away would be expected. You being overcome by sadness and depression about it is not healthy, especially since he's gone from you half the time.

And the most important thing, being dependent on your son for your happiness is not good for him. He needs you to have a happy life away from him. He can't and shouldn't be expected to provide that for you.

Crimson, we've been around here a long time now. I remember the trouble you were having with understanding and moving toward detachment.

I think you'll get there.

[kolja]

not being my job as his spouse to teach him the consequences "B/C LIFE DOES THAT FOR THEM"....not us....

Yes, that's exactly the one! Don't want to hijack here, but suffice to say in the past week I've been thinking this a lot!!

[Crimson]

Thank you for all of the responses. I appreciate it.

25 - I agree with you that my negative feelings impact me. In situations like this I tend to always see the negative happening -- self defeating, I know. But it is hard to think about positive outcomes when you feel so much is negative at any given moment. I do not like that element of myself at all - and I know that it is something that I really need to try to fix.

Additionally, I see how my W could have a very alternate perception of how events are/were. I mean, I DIDN'T use her as a vessel to bare a child - but I can see how based on all that transpired she could see it that way.

So about the trip to California they took....

She texted me yesterday to let me know that they would be boarding the plane in Oakland. She never texted to let me know that they landed - and I wasn't going to text to ask. I drove over to pick up S after work and must admit that I had a fair amount of anxiety about it for some reason. I put on my best "act as if" face and knocked on the door. My son CHARGED at me exclaiming "DADDY!!!" with a big smile on his face. THAT has to be one of the best feelings ever. W was in a really good mood and we spoke briefly. She said she really loved it up in SF and had a great time. Said that mostly it was the two of them just making their way around on BART.

Son and I drove to the house and went for a swim - we had a really good time together and we both laughed a lot. I made dinner and eventually took him upstairs for reading and bedtime. As my psych told me today, my son has been my life line. She hit the nail on the head.

Techically, today is supposed to be the day that I hand S off to W and not get him back till this Friday. Since she took one of my days, I was tempted to ask her when I dropped him off if I could keep him to night - just to get a little more time in with him. I didn't want it to be an uncomfortable request, so I kind of sat on it.

So when I dropped him off with her this morning it was a decent experience. A couple of "nice" things happened. First, she asked me if I wanted to keep him tonight since she had an extra day of mine with him. I was slightly shocked. We talked a bit more and I played with S on the ground for a little bit (I am pretty tall so I held him upside down and made him pretend he was walking on the ceiling - he squealed laughing!). Then W did something unexpected....she asked about money. I guess the full amount that has been taken from my check has not gotten to her. Now, I view this as a good thing because it is the first time we have EVER talked about this matter....ever. Up to this point it has been done through or by lawyers. I guess I was happy that she felt comfortable enough to bring it up to me....though she was probably a LITTLE nervous.

Finally, on my way out of her condo S ran up to me and squeezed my leg and said "DADDY!"....made me sad I had to leave. Then, a third odd thing happened....W said to s "we'll have to get on the light rail soon and go down to Tempe to see daddy at work!". Wow....I was a little shocked that she would even consider that. All small things - but positives. I will not look at them as anything indicative of anything.....just nice things.

Full disclosure: when she asked me if I wanted him an extra night my mind quickly went to "she must have some guy coming by or want to go to some guy's house".....toxic thinking...I know...I am just being honest. Trying not to go here ^^^^^.

Anyhooo....I have more to share, but I have to bail.

Crimson

25 & LA, regarding the financial component of this - I do see your points - especially the part regarding resentment oozing into interactions with W even if I did not intend for it to. I am not making excuses, I just have a tremendous fear of failing financially and letting down myself and my son. It causes me a great deal of stress and concern. Still, I do my best to keep it from my W.

[Crimson]

PS....25, did you happen to read "the letter"?

[25yearsmlc]

PS....25, did you happen to read "the letter"?

OMG no I haven't! So where is it??

[Crimson]

This thread - page 5.

[25yearsmlc]

So I have often referenced the letter that my wife gave me the day before our settlement hearing on May 14th. She had been working on it since the 7th and had to stop because she said it was very emotional for her. When I read it, I had tears in my eyes - and I get a little choked up every time I revisit it. After the hearing - she was very hurt and angry and said some not-so-nice things in e-mail.

It is so full of kind words, praise and gratitude - that it is hard for me to imagine she is even talking about ME - someone that she is leaving. She describes a pretty decent guy - IMHO. Anyhow - here it is. I would love to get anyone's perspective on this if you are familiar with my sitch or not. It's just hard to process and put in a proper place. Any WAWs have an opinion??

Crimson

Dear Crimson –

Your letters have been so helpful to me – so I wanted to share a letter with you as well. I have avoided it because of the depth of my feelings overwhelms me.

I have so much gratitude for you that is permanently woven into the woman I have become.

I never knew consistent, unconditional love in a relationship before you. From day one – you were a man of your word. What you said, you did. You were the first man to see me at the lowest of lows and good times too – and never walked away.

You taught me how to have and take care of the finer things in life – furniture, handbags, dishes, etc. – I never had the means to have such things.

You did something that every day as long as I live will be the most monumental event of my life – you made me a mother!

I don’t know why, but I used to feel like good things only happen to other people. I’ll never forget when you proposed – it was the most outer body moment of “I never knew this would happen for me….”. You are the only man to teach me that good things will happen to me, for me.

I am grateful for the patience you showed me early on when I was unemployed, had Joe (her puppy) and had gotten off track.

I am grateful for every moment you shared your life with me – every childhood story, every detail of your life. I relished you sharing with me.

I am grateful for the trips we took, the wonderful dates you took me on and my favorite- when you would cook for me at home.

I am grateful for the home you provided us with and all of the stress and pressure you took on because of your determination.

I am grateful for all of your encouragement and support in my career that has been a bumpy and not-always-pleasant ride.

I am grateful that you wanted to marry me and make me your wife. I am grateful you wanted to have a nice ceremony in Sedona to bring out our family and friends.

I’m sorry I was not a confident woman when you met me. [b]A woman that could feel and communicate her wants and needs in a way you could understand. I never saw people communicate in my house growing up – in my attempts to “pretend” I knew how, I failed miserably.

I’m sorry I didn’t know how to support you with your fears and anxieties and pressures – I wish I would have known how to support you better.

I’m grateful that you cared about my family. I had never been in a relationship where someone embraced my family, with all their quirks and personalities – and they will always relish that.

I guess this letter could go on and on – but guess I’ll stop here.

I am eternally (forever and forever) grateful for you [used my full name here]. Never doubt that – it is real.

Love,

W[/b]

what did the email afterwards say, that was so angry and different?

I need time to ponder this. Not sure what to make of it. Is it a nice, kind good bye/dear John Letter?

Or a softening of the blows to come?

Or a simple expression and gesture to reciprocate yours?

She sounds reflective. I don't think she BSd it. I just don't know her goal in it yet.

But if you want clues to what she did NOT get from you

read the highlighted parts...for some possible clues. I'm NOT sure...just tossing ideas out.

will write more later.

Oh, and realize that TIME WILL REVEAL MORE...be patient and please learn to not be so negative.

You rob yourself of so much.

When i attended that workshop I mentioned to you before, (the one that I really liked and felt changed my paradigm, etc)


I examined how I had been viewing things in life in general. I was NOT a Debbie Downer, and I always had a lot of friends. But I definitely saw the down sides to too much.

When I felt anger, or sadness, it could consume me. But when a joyful event happened, I would let fear or regret seep in & pollute it

so that only the negatives of life were fully & "purely experienced". How pathetic was that??

I recall how I counted up a typical day spent fearing/whining or worrying about things that either never happened, were not realistic anyhow,

or over which I had NO control anyway...

Crimson, that negativity amounted

to about 2 YEARS of my life...back then!

That's a self inflicted prison sentence of a periodically joyless life...

emanating from my world view...

Even Worse, it's a terrible behavior to be around b/c it just brings others down or [censored] out the joy from their lives as well,

and it's horrible to teach our kids.

You really have to change the way you see things. SOON...whatever it takes.

YOU CAN DO IT....I know you can.

[2chiquitos]

Crimson, WOW! what a letter!

It's interesting your WAS describes how grateful she is of you. My H has recently said things like, I never truly appreciated you. He's made a lot of self discoveries but I'm still waiting for him to want the R back.

What I can say is that since he started realizing how much he appreciates me there has been a lot more emotional intimacy. He will tell me about work, conversations with family, things he's thinking about, etc. We talk like a couple (but then not...)

I hate this "land of confusion" as someone put it!

[Crimson]

25, to answer your question the emails AFTER the settlement hearing said things like "I would encourage you to go find someone new that wants to have more kins with you. There is nothing in me that wants to reconcile at this point", I was called "manipulative", I was attacked for trying to hold her responsible for some things she was legally responsible for (SMALL amount of debt), and I was attacked for keeping the house as mine. She said "this is coming from a man who says he loves his wife and son". Clearly, she was pissed about the hearing.

Prior to that, I felt we'll....."OK"......about the letter. I saw it as a signal that at least she had positive memories of me - NONE of which she really spoke about since the bomb. I let a close friend read it, someone that knows us both, and she teared up....was confused by it. I didn't WANT to see it as a "good-bye" letter, but maybe that is just what it was.

Regarding negativity, I am really trying to pull out of that nose dive. I met with my psychiatrist this week and she noted that I AM doing much better (don't have to go back for 2 months). She gave me some good advice based on my personality and told me that I really need to focus on one day at a time....look at a tree, stay out of the forest for awhile. It has helped....just focusing on making it through one day and not trying to make it through a month in one setting. She also asked me how my relationship was with my son. I told her that I am much happier with him and tend to forget (or at least minimize) the negatives in my life when I am with him. She said that it would appear that he has been my lifeline through a lot of this.

Odd that we bring them into this world knowing we are to take care of them and for the last nine or ten months he has been taking care of me in his own way. Touching, and makes him that much more special to me.

Crimson

[Crimson]

Vero -

Well, I don't really know what the letter meant in terms of my W wanting to "work" on things or being open to the notion. Like you, I am waiting for her to want the R back at some point....God willing.

"Emotional intimacy". I really didn't know what that was or the value of it until I got here. Better late than never.

Crimson