Needing some guidance... 4

[jks]

This might sound really silly but tonight I watched a movie called "We Bought a Zoo" with Matt Damon. Oh my word! I am an emotional wreck right now.

In this movie Matt Damon loses his wife to an illness and has two children with her. They move out of the city and onto this land that was formerly a zoo. Matt Damon's primary motive for moving out of the city is to stop being around all the things that remind him of his wife.

At one point in the movie he's explaining to a girl (Scarlet Johansen) the reasons that he purchased the land and moved to this place. And he realizes that no matter where he goes, his wife will always follow. The speech he gives at that moment just hit me so hard. He talks about how he just can't let her go.

Then they show him open his laptop and he starts clicking on all these pictures of him and her together and her with the kids. Wow. After the movie was over I had to get up and leave and literally just sob. I went into my kids' room where they're sleeping and just stared at them and sobbed.

To add on top of all of this... ever since the Bourne Identity came out (also with Matt Damon) I have always thought that if I were to compare my H to any actor, it would be him. Meaning same body type, mannerisms, looks... Matt Damon very much reminds me of my H and my H knows that too... I used to tell him all the time. In fact, all of those Bourne Identity movies were some of H's favorite movies. We were actually pretty close to naming our S4 Bourne. Seriously.

So that made it so much worse.

The thing I hate the most, though, is that this story was so sweet because this man loved his W so much. In my situation, my M has been tainted so much. I have the same deep love for my H, except there's such a darkness to it all.

I think I need to stop watching movies. And to be honest, I rarely ever do watch them. Watching TV or anything that has to do with R's just isn't the same to me anymore. I can't enjoy it.

Sorry for all the sadness tonight.