Swimming with Turtles pt 2

[zig]

thanks soooo much for telling me that even this is part of the script. i am still finding my way out of the muddles of how the sexual abuse REALLY affected me and what happens across the board.

i thought that my actions were because i didn't care enough about myself (a common occurrence in adults who have been sexually abused as kids)

to feel any negative emotions in the sex arena, is definitely a difficult area to wade through for me, but i am happy to say that i can see a huge difference in how i view what's ok for me and acceptable NOW as opposed to before

These days he seems to have 'made his choice' as it were and I think he definitely feels that doing ANYTHING with me (let alone having sex) would be a betrayal (both to her and, I believe, to me).

another relief to hear that my h is not the only one - this has agonized me so much, and i've seen it as proof that there's no hope. but that's not true - if it's something that's part of the script?


I think that the only way it could happen would be by not talking about it, but somehow just finding yourself in the moment and seeing how things developed.
These days however, I'm no longer at the point where I would want to have this sort of interaction with him - I think.

that's so not happening - he told me that he couldn't bear to be around me because the sexual attraction was so strong that he was in agony. and so his hard withdrawal since then (around november) is i think because of that. and it was - we'd be over at the in-laws and mil would say to me later that it was downright uncomfortable for them because the sexual vibes were so strong. interestingly - they were stronger than they had been ever - we actually admitted to each other that we fell in love with each other again after the bomb drop, during those weeks of talking. but he also said that he was still going to be with ow - I can't give her up right now)

what you suggested as the only way that it could happen - i don't think so for me at this point, and i've often thought about what i would do if out of the blue something like this came up - would i go with it? would i say h, i cannot ml with you while you are in another relationship - i respect myself too much for that. would that be losing a chance to make a real connection? or would that be me just dissing myself

hard questions - would love to hear from others, especially the vets about their thoughts on it

right now today, i'm finding myself thinking - no, i don't want to have this kind of interaction with him either, just like you. he's not looking too attractive right now (and i don't mean just physically) and i now know so much more clearly what i want in a relationship that i can't see myself compromising for just a little of something, when i could have so much more.

Anyway, thanks so much for your openness and honesty in putting this sort of stuff out there for discussion. Sometimes I'm so ashamed of myself for feeling like I do about my H - that I still want him after all he's doing - that I'm too embarrassed to talk about it.

oh sweet girl - do not be embarrassed to talk about it and work through your feelings and not be ashamed. why shouldn't we want our spouses - we promised to love and stay with them until we died - no matter what. it's the little devils inside of us that bring it up in terms of shame - as if we were the ones who did wrong

i know that feeling too - i don't feel shame as much as anger and frustration with myself that how could i want this person who has rejected me so deeply. maybe i'm not ready to face the shame BEHIND those emotions - i'm sure i'll find out soon enough - at the rate i'm going

maybe we should all talk about this - and hear each others pain - this is one of the biggest hugest things we have to deal with for us LBS's whose WAS"s are involved with OP's. there is soooo much pain in that.

i am now finding out that just letting myself feel the REAL emotion and fully acknowledging it leads to a world of new peace i've never felt before - and only in letting it come out, do i seem to be able to lessen the pain about it.

is this a place we could allow ourselves to release some of that pain? among people who really know how it truly feels? no judgements, no criticisms, just with honesty and acceptance. the reason i ask is that both yours and brit responses to me were the type that just made me feel understood and helped so much to feel better about what happened. the phrase kindred sprits comes to mind - and if anything, that is what we all are here.

((((NLW)))))

thank you
zig