I waited a day and sent a couple cat photos. She called to talk about another house she looked at. She told me how VERY MUCH she appreciated the cat photos. I know she misses them terribly. I'm sure she doesn't want to say that because then there'd be the awkwardness of saying she misses me, or not.
She also pointed out that she had some photos of the early stages of the bathroom project and that maybe she should send them to me. But only if I sent her some subsequent photos of the project. She joked that it could be a one for one photo exchange. I pointed out that she's doing well because she got TWO cat photos for the one photo she sent me.
Perhaps she's noticed that she's only getting contact (or anything else - except the birthday gift which was OKed by the DB coach) from me if she initiates or asks. I'm rationing it. There are plenty of things that I want to tell her or discuss with her that I don't. Even on her weekly, leisurely chat calls, there's not time to cover a week's worth of life. It's hard for me to pull back from the intimacy of dailiness. She doesn't want to be tied down by it when she's so far away. She wants to be fully present where she is. I understand, but I don't like it.
When I asked again, she came up with a reasonable suggestion for a birthday gift. She also said, "You don't have to get me a gift." I just said , "I know." She seemed happy when I emailed to say it was on its way. (I only did that because it's something she needs for her upcoming bike trip. If I didn't get it, then she would need to make some other arrangements very soon.)
After discussing the pros and cons of her house hunt for a while, she pulled up short. "It can't be very much fun to hear me talk about all this." I didn't respond right away and I think she just changed the subject a bit (don't remember exactly).
Now, a big reason that she said she had to leave is because when other people are around she is too focused on them and their feelings. She wanted to be able to eliminate all that mental noise so she could discern her own feelings. Fine. So, it's a bit exasperating that she's still trying to intuit my feelings and take care of them.
Anyway, I'd like to come up with a response for that sort of thing in the future. Maybe just a kind, "You don't need to worry about that." Or, "Please don't make assumptions about what I think or feel." No, she can think whatever she wants. I guess I'm wanting her to know that I'm responsible for my feelings and that if she wants to know what they are, then assumptions won't do it.
Maybe just ask. "Are you worried about my feelings?" Then reassure that they're my job. Maybe point out that she can ask me about them if she wants, but they're not her responsibility.
I don't know. I'm far from eloquent with this and it seems that I have more thinking to do about it.
