suddenly he turned to me with the most raw look i had ever seen form him - he had never shown me his wanting me that openly and we had the most amazing sex. also the last time when he was drunk - he actually turned away from me and i said - you feel like you're betraying her? and he said yes, and we lay there quietly and i said there's no way we need to do this. then he turned to me and started furiously. later over the next few weeks - occasionally it would be too much for him and he would come and kiss me passionately and tell me how sorry he was and then all of that stopped.
Zig, your descriptions of what happened with your H are pretty much identical to what I experienced in the weeks/months after BD.
My H would say "I'm so confused" a lot at the time too.
The extent to which the MLC is scripted constantly amazes me. Also gives me hope that my H will work through the phases and come out the other end.
These days he seems to have 'made his choice' as it were and I think he definitely feels that doing ANYTHING with me (let alone having sex) would be a betrayal (both to her and, I believe, to me).
I've also pondered asking the 'no strings, but PLEASE help me out ' question.
I sort of tried it once many months ago and he refused. In the end I was bargaining him down and asked if he would even kiss me 'one last time' or give me a hug (I was in a really bad state one day and lost it all completely). He was willing only to put his arm around me.
I could tell that he saw it as a further betrayal of both me and the OW and that it made him very uncomfortable.
I think that the only way it could happen would be by not talking about it, but somehow just finding yourself in the moment and seeing how things developed. These days however, I'm no longer at the point where I would want to have this sort of interaction with him - I think.
Unless it was a completely utilitarian one for my own purposes, and I'm not sure I'd be able to look at it like that yet/ever.
And Busto tells me that by doing this sort of thing I am implicitly disrespecting H - he's told me it's over; time to show I'm listening.
But then again... it can still be over and we can still have sex - right? Just because we need it, right?
But why do we need it with H? Because it's convenient? Or because we want to get him back? And like your IC said, plenty of people say that it works to keep the connection in a M that's broken down. Oh boy....going round in circles now.
Anyway, thanks so much for your openness and honesty in putting this sort of stuff out there for discussion. Sometimes I'm so ashamed of myself for feeling like I do about my H - that I still want him after all he's doing - that I'm too embarrassed to talk about it.
