It's an Opportunity for ME!

[zig]

i just read your post after i posted my "crazy post for the day"

i realized i feel a lot like you - in terms of being around h - but at the same time still yearning for things to get better.

you're right though - we hold on this image of what we want to believe they are, but the reality doesn't even begin to hit close.

h told me in the weeks after the bomb - this is who i really am this is what i do, and i thought to myself - no that's not true. maybe he IS right - this is who he really is - a person not in touch with himself who can't really live with the integrity needed to live happily, and here i am, agonizing over it.


I'm going dark for no other reason than I'm not sure what our friendship is, I was the fixer for so long that I can't be the fixer now.

i like this - i've also puzzled over this friendship thing - it's not friendship to me, and i'm not willing to be friends. my friends don't betray and lie to me and treat me badly - if they did, i wouldn't continue the friendship

I suddenly thought why am I putting in this effort. Him in person is different than the guy who texts me on Sunday with a private family joke about something my mother would say. And I don't know about any of that anymore.

you're right - it's part of the paradox of facing the reality of the situation you're in. it's only when we really really face it, that this awareness begins to emerge

thanks brit - for writing out your feelings

zig