Swimming with Turtles pt 2

[zig]

here's something to spark off a discussion,i imagine.

to preface - can't really understand yet why this was put on my plate today, but i'm giving it at least 48 hrs!!

i was at IC today and we started off with me telling her about what i saw as my progress and the things i was working through and the insights i've been making. also talked a lot about the significant reduction in my anxiety level, once i had gone to the root of what really caused it and acknowledged my deep feelings.

can't remember the whole thing and how the conversation got to this - oh yes - i mentioned briefly that i was starting to struggle with not having sex - this came on the tail end of the sexual issues with my first husband , and how h and i don't have sexual issues, but they BOTH insisted that the amount of sex we had was only because i had been sexually abused and how it pissed me off that they put it all on me. but i talked about how ml was always wonderful between h an i.

so then i mentioned how in a month and a half it would be a year, and how not having any sex was starting to get to me.

the next thing that came out of IC's mouth just about had me on the floor stunned. it was the last thing i expected her to say - beyond the last thing, as it simply hadn't occurred to me. she says - well why don't you go to your husband and say, it has been a long time and my sexual needs are not getting fulfilled and i would like to do something about it with you. that it was my right as a wife to ask that of my husband.

she explained - that it was not a strategy to get him back - she thought i was in a strong enough place to do it, but she said that if i had any expectations that it would lead to something else, then i shouldn't do it - or if it would make me feel terrible that he didn't come back in spite of ml with me. she said it was a no strings attached thing. that she believes in women's empowerment, and that it would be very empowering for me to ask directly for what i want and get it. i responded - like he's taking what he wants and i should do the same?

i asked if she knew anyone else who had done this and what the results were - and she said it happened all the time, and it was a way to gather data about the real state of the marriage. it could be we both found out that we really still had a deep connection (she said the sex life is like the cement of the marriage), or that one of us couldn't actually do it,or both

i said - if we put it in the context of him being in an mlc, how does doing something like this fit in? (in my mind i'm thinking - is this serious pursuing, or if i make it clear there are no strings attached, then its just getting something i can't get from anywhere else, because i intend to stick to my commitment until it is legally ended)

i told her that my first response was immediately - i don't want to sleep with him when he's with someone else. and i was actually quite uneasy when we were discussing this.(maybe the influence of this board and MWD's theories). she said that she wanted me to stop walking eggshells around him. i told her that i have just finally managed to stop doing that

after i described his withdrawal behavior in the last few days - she then said - no you can't do this - you guys are not in a place for that.

and to top it off she pointed out that ow being here for 9 days boded really badly for the outcome of this, i said, there are a ton of people where the WAS lands up living with the ow and they manage to R.

but she said that the fact that he has now brought her up here into HIS life for 9 whole days, makes him realize that he can have this really.

then we ended with me a little upset because we talked about s's b'day party and that i had agreed to do it at in-laws house as usual with h. and how i didn't want to continue to give everyone the picture that we were both okay with the separation - it's our bash of the year party that our friends and kids talk about for months - and how i really did not want to do it - but felt i have to do it for s's sake. s was really upset when i suggested a couple of weeks ago that we'd have smaller party here at my house. then i gave in and changed my mind after pressure from mil.

so oddly enough, after running errands and coming home, i'm a bit like - oh whatever - i'm not really attracted to h right now, i realize, but have to admit that just the thought of possibly even doing that has now been planted in my mind, and as i said in the beginning - wtf? why did i need that

can't help thinking - here's an opportunity that's been given to me - for what? to test my endurance, my patience, my true feelings about h, my true feelings about under what conditions and whom i would like to ml with?

so i imagine the db response to be certain things -surprise me!!

anyone read or heard of anyone actually doing this>

zig

ps. i wish i'd thought to ask her: he's clearly telling me that he does not wish to be my husband right now, so why would i ask him to do what a husband does?