Letting people live their lives and GALing...

[AntoniaB]

Well I haven't had a reason to post in ages, but I've got one now. This is going to seem like it's not relevant to DBing or whatever because it's not about my ex; it's about the guy I've been seeing for several months. But it is relevant in that I saw myself in a pattern and finally broke it, but I still have work to do and guess I want some advice. So please bear with me as I explain.

First of all, I've seen this guy since late Feb./early March. I met him in December. We've gotten together at my house mostly for dinner out or in and then movies and conversation and just hanging out. We have had a sexual relationship from pretty early on. I had an instant chemistry with him and I knew it would be tough to sleep with someone having only slept with my XH for 23 years, but I felt an instant trust with this guy. It was a wonderful experience and I have zero regrets. We talked at length beforehand about the fact that we were not "in love" but did have affection and attraction. I knew that going in and I chose what I wanted. Like I said, no regrets about that.

From the getgo, he told me that his "pattern" he was trying to break was that he often would have a physical relationship but not be able to connect emotionally. He wanted to change this in himself. He said he was working to change it but could not make any promises to me about what we could "become." In my head, unbeknownst to him, I said to myself, "Antonia, YOU can be the woman who breaks through his shell." He is an abuse survivor and told me that was probably a major contributing factor in his inability to get close to people. I listened, but yet, I thought I could be "the one."

So soon after the physical relationship begins, he backs off a bit. We discuss how we really want to build a friendship too. He gets close to me to the point where he makes the decision to move to my area. He had planned to do it in a year but made the decision much earlier. He looked at a few places and chose to move in one mile from me, right on my road. It was pure chance. This place had never been rented before and he loved it and it is very close to his workplace. I said several times do you really want to live that close to me? What if we have a falling out or something? He just said that would never happen and he really wanted the house.

He moved in 2 weeks ago. It is clear that my being here has really helped him emotionally. He left family and friends to make this move. It's his first house alone ever (he's divorced, no kids, 4 years post-divorce). It was a big step for him. Since the move he's spent a lot more time with me. Some of it is romantic/sexual, the other half of it is just like friends only. He is very "hot-cold." This has always concerned me as I don't know where I "stand." But I was able to put up with it when he lived an hour away and I only saw him one day of the week and that day he was usually "hot."

After 2 weeks of him living here I am closer to him than ever and have developed real feelings for him. I don't think I'm in love with him but I do feel love towards him. I tried to ignore this as long as I could but I felt like I needed to tell him because I feel like he's not in the same place as me.

This is where the connection with my past comes in. I realized that with my XH that at the 10 or so year mark he and I held the marriage together via physical intimacy. We were at odds emotionally and spiritually and yet we ignored it. I CHOSE to have a relationship that was suffering because "at least I had the physical part." It was "better than nothing."

It has been nagging at me for awhile now that I was doing the same thing with this guy. Settling for the physical because it was better than being alone. Mind you, he's not a love em and leave em type. He and I go on dates and he's very thoughtful and caring and treats me with a lot of respect. He treats me on some days like we are a couple long-term. But it's not consistent. And no one knows about me, either. To everyone in his life, I'm his "friend."

But anyway, I decided I needed to come clean. Last night I said I have feelings for you beyond friendship, and as hard as it is to walk away from "a sure thing" physically with someone who makes me feel really good (better than my XH could), I need to do what scares me and walk away if you don't feel the same as me.

Do you feel the same as me?

He says sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't. Then he tells me WHY.

He is an abuse survivor, sexual abuse. But he was raped as a child AND at 17 years old. When he told me about the time at 17, I could tell that it is still very fresh a wound in him (he's nearly 40). He went through therapy years ago and figures that there is nothing more he can do. He follows Buddhism to detach from it all, but he admits it has affected his ability to love. He says he can't love anyone. He can care for people deeply and be friends with them, but he feels he can't love. He feels he can't be connected deeply emotionally because he is so damaged. And what makes this even worse is that he is sexually confused. He had one relationship with a male years ago. He said he doesn't know now if he is bisexual or not. He says he only ever felt "safe" when he was in the relationship with the man. But he clearly favors women. Despite that, he feels confused about his sexuality.

He told me once before that every time a relationship of his with a woman got to this point, where she wanted a deeper connection than he could give, and when he confided in her the reasons for his lack of intimacy, she would walk away and never have anything to do with him again. Of course when he said this originally, I said that wasn't me. That I'd rise above it and value the friendship more.

So this is where I am now. I do value his friendship. He is a good person. He works hard and is very ambitious and creative. He is incredibly supportive of me and my individuality. He supports me creatively and with my job and interests in a way my XH never did. He is not jealous of me and cares about my accomplishments. He constantly reinforces for me all the good changes I've made to become more independent and self-reliant. He is a good person to have in my life.

I knew going in that he might never feel the same as I did about us. And I knowingly stepped out on the limb with the hope I could make him open up to me. I didn't realize the problems from his past were as bad as they are. I just didn't know. I think he needs to get back into therapy, frankly, but he won't do it if he's not ready.

Is my heart broken? Kind of. But I also kind of broke it myself getting involved with someone who said at the outset that he probably couldn't meet me halfway. I'm not really angry at myself because I think there are tons of lessons I need to learn in this mess.

But what complicates it all so much is that my heart breaks FOR HIM. I didn't know what demons he was facing. All I could think when he told me everything was that my trauma pales in comparison to his. I mean maybe it doesn't--but I feel much more past my trauma in a shorter time frame by far than him. He's got real fears. His brother tried to drown him in the bathtub. Now I know why he freaked out when we went swimming in the ocean the other day.

And I guess what I want to know is what do I do. I don't want to abandon him just because he doesn't want me as a girlfriend. I can't hold it against him if he doesn't feel the same for me as I do for him. It would be very easy to just cut him out of my life and never talk to him again. But I don't feel like that's the right thing to do to another person.

I wish I could help him with his confusion but I know I can't. All I can do is recommend a really good psychiatrist and hope that he decides to get back into therapy and be supportive.

But I spoke to my mom and best friend about this and their immediate reaction was to all but walk away from him on the grounds that "I'm too freshly wounded to help someone else." They are deeply concerned that I am putting him before me.

What I told him was that our physical relationship was over. And the staying over at one another's houses is over. Is it reasonable to think that I can go backwards to just thinking of him as a friend with cutting that out of our lives?

I want to be true to my needs but I also want to be a good friend. This guy is NOT my XH because he's much more proactive about trying to handle things and trying to grow as a person. And I guess I feel like maybe I can be of some help or support to him if I can just accept that what I think I want from him is not what he can give and not hold that against him, but love him unconditionally.

Can I walk this line of being good to myself and compassionate to a person who has been supportive of my changes?

Or do I listen to my mom and friend and cut him out of my life because the effort will drain me?

I keep wondering why, why did I have this chance meeting with someone only to fall for him and find that he's not just unavailable but he's also so damaged. Was the whole point to teach me that again I can't always get what I want and I have to learn to live with what I can have and accept it?

I have made an appt with my psychiatrist and therapist for next week to get their feedback but anything any of you can say will be appreciated.

I think the difficulty for me is that I really wanted this guy to be "the one number two", the person I was meant to be with after my XH, but clearly it's not turning out that way, and while I'm glad I broke my first pattern of allowing sex without connection to substitute for a full relationship, I don't want to repeat other patterns of my past, and one of them is sacrificing myself for someone else. I need to know how to walk the line where I don't sacrifice myself but I treat someone I care about with compassion and respect.