Blood on the Tracks

[tested metal]

STBXW got my stipulations for divorce from my L and was hurt becasue I did not discuss them with her before hand and she was taken by surprise. She particularly did like me being primary residence for educational purposes only. She also reported that she wanted to be friends, but now is rethinking that decision.

After our talk I felt like crap. I should have talked to her before hand. I then realized that I have been avoiding conflict with her throughout our whole relationship, mainly because of her hysterics and the way I feel after the conflict. I usually feel like a jerk and guilty, although most times there is no need to, because it was about a need I had or something that needed to be discussed. After a while, I just shut down. I didn't feel like I could trust her with my feelings or problems because she seemed like she couldn't even handle her own.

I would go to others (friends) to try to get a 3rd person perspective, which would usually blow up in my face because STBXW would be told by big mouthed friend and I would get punished for it.

I also continued to think about whether I want STBXW as a friend or if I could even handle that. I noticed that I was getting really angry and sad while thinking about the whle thing. I still am.

Today I have this overwhelming urge to cry and hide under a rock. I just want to stop hurting and feelings like this.