I survived his visit. He came in and played with the dog. We talked about our respective doctor sitchs and he laughed that we're so old to talk about this. He went to the handyman stuff.
I mentioned that it "looked like he had a fun weekend" I know that there are various opinions on me bringing up this. But I really really wanted to show him that I can talk about his R and not be a big deal that I can be supportive. He said "yeah, it was up near where we went that time, etc etc" It's a gorgeous part of the country and I have to admit I was slightly jealous that he was away with her for the weekend there. And then I remembered that picture of him looking miserable and decided to not be jealous. HAHA I remember also at Christmas I really wanted to do the whole family thing because they'd invited me and S and when we went he was miserable. and I thought why did I even see that as something I'd be missing out on. family is important to me and he didn't want to be there. It was me and his sister forcing everyone to play board games. So don't romanticise that trip!
He then told me a story about having car trouble (his precious unreliable gas guzzler that they took on the long trip instead of hers which is much more efficient...for appearance sake sheesh) He said everyone was asking him about the car and he meanwhile on the way home he has this problem.
I thought it was odd that he didn't tell me what the event was. If it was a wedding or whatever.
Anyway, he confirmed plans with S. Which was good. Then I talked about a financial thing and he was cool with it. Then I gave him two pieces of art. One that was his that I'd found and one that initially I said I wanted, but I think I only wanted it because I was trying to hold on. He said are you sure? And I said yeah, I like it but I still haven't even put it up. And I think you like it more. So you should have it. and he said if you're sure... and I laughed and said yeah, of course why and he said I don't know it's all weird. And I laughed again and I said it's not weird, take the picture!
I feel like overall it was friendly.
I have no more expectations. It's a sad strange feeling. Her profile picture on FB is now of the two of them. He's not looking to me for changes or considering me as a possibility and to be honest I don't know that I'd want to be one.
He looks rough right now. He isn't working on himself. I've said I want to be his friend and I do. But he's starting to become that friend that you like, but that you know they aren't the best of people.
Very early in my thread UNDERDOG told me to remember that I was meant to walk this path and to not forget why I left. I feel like a little bit I'm grieving again the end of the M, and the end of what I believed about him? I don't know. Perhaps I was meant to walk this path from meeting him to leaving him to falling on my face and learning. And it's a not a bad thing. It's hard, but it's a blessing
I'm going dark for no other reason than I'm not sure what our friendship is, I was the fixer for so long that I can't be the fixer now.
It used to seem so big so massive that this R would be over. But now I think when I'm 60 what will 6 years in my late 20s early 30s really be.
In GAL activities I'm going to visit a friend in two weeks and she messaged me to say there's a company party one night. We work for the same company in different areas. She lives in a city that I've said before I wouldn't mind living in....so the fact that I'll be going to a company event is really cool. Who knows if nothing will come of that but it's a good start.
I don't know why this visit made me feel this way maybe it was all of it and the visit combined. I wasn't attracted to him. I didn't feel much of anything. And maybe that's why. I suddenly thought why am I putting in this effort. Him in person is different than the guy who texts me on Sunday with a private family joke about something my mother would say. And I don't know about any of that anymore.
And again....if I were his GF I would not be happy knowing he was sending that text to his W. That's the integrity bit I don't like.
