This is my first time posting so I will give you a little background information. I have been married for 12 years, with four beautiful children. I thought we had the perfect marriage until April 30, when my wife told me she had been unhappy for years and she was moving out as soon as she could. The reasons given was a lack of affection and taking her for granted, not showing I care and placing a priority on my family. I agree with all of them although I never realized it before. I did everything wrong the first week...begging her not to leave, promising I would change, constantly pressuring her to tell me if we would get back together after she leaves, etc. A week after she told me she was leaving I discovered she was having a EA but I am unsure of a PA. I angrily confronted her about it which she denied.
So, she is still in the home while she tries to find a place. I have stopped talking about us, instead started making the changes I said I would. Helping out around the house, focusing on being a better father, talking with her about work, kids, etc, and trying to project confidence.
She seems very comfortable with me and I can still make her laugh. What I need help with is looking for signs that she may be starting to change her mind. I can't tell if we are relating as a married couple ore just as friends. Any signs I should look for and build on?
M-31, W32 S12, S9, S8, D3 M 12 Years Bomb dropped: 4/30/12 ("I need to be happy") EA discovered: 5/8/12 W denied PA unsure Moved out 7/6/12
Confusedfather - Welcome to the board. I am new here also and in a similar situation. We lived together for about 2 months after she said she wanted out, while she was looking for a place to live and I tried everything I could think of to be the H she wanted and a better father to her kids but she still ended up moving out and finding her own place. She says she is not in a hurry for a divorce but I think she has a hard time thinking that any change I make is going to last. So stay consistent in what you do. Good luck!
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
DR is the upgraded version of DB. It has expansion on Midlife Crisis, Depression and Infidelity....really is more in-depth when you are dealing with the long haul. You can find a lot of that on the board and get help on the board. Just reading your first post, I think you are fine with DB.
You are in THE LAST RESORT technique. Start there. But really recognize when you are getting baby steps, and build on those. Even if others on the board or elsewhere discourage you from really counting a baby step....do the opposite. You really need to know when you are out of the LRT, because this is part of your issue (distance, not paying enough attention).
This means you want to go 'grey' and not 'pitch black'. And that is harder. You have to back off, but still know when to jump in.
Sandi2 knows how to give excellent advice in this regard, you may want to seek her out.
Hope is all I have. I am in it for the long-haul, and i know regardless of the outcome I will become a better man and a better father. It's amazing how priorities become clear when faced with something like this.
M-31, W32 S12, S9, S8, D3 M 12 Years Bomb dropped: 4/30/12 ("I need to be happy") EA discovered: 5/8/12 W denied PA unsure Moved out 7/6/12
Welcome to the board, I'm sorry you find yourself here... I am in the same boat, and my W has already moved out... you have to hope, and trust in your faith, and make the changes you see are needed and stick with them no matter what... your W will notice actions before she listens to ANYTHING you say... stay strong, be patient, and DO NOT GIVE UP... use the time she gave you...
M:40 W:31 S:8 S:5 D:8(prev. relationship) Bomb dropped: 5/10/12 It's not you it's me MO: 6/1/12 T:14 M:9
I read The Last Resort and must admit it makes me nervous. But it also makes sense. It will be difficult to surprise her. Our boys are very active in baseball and scouts which occupies almost every night of the week. I will have to give it some thought. Everything between us seems so normal until bedtime when we part ways. Thanks for the advice and encouragement.
M-31, W32 S12, S9, S8, D3 M 12 Years Bomb dropped: 4/30/12 ("I need to be happy") EA discovered: 5/8/12 W denied PA unsure Moved out 7/6/12
Well, she has cooled back off this week. I am practicing the LRT, and admit that going gray instead of pitch black is difficult. Our boys are really active in baseball, so every night we are doing something together.
This weekend is father's day, which would be ok except there is also my family's reunion, which she will not be attending. I am already dreading lying to my family about why she will not be there. I will also miss seeing her family as they celebrate fathers day. Her brother was my best friend before we married.
I am having a lot of trouble finding 180s. I am such a boring and predictable person. Am I better off doing the LRT while she is still in the house or is that better after she leaves? I don't want to GAL right now as my time of seeing the kids every day is limited. I don't want to give the impression that i am prioritizing myself over the kids since that is one of her complaints about me. Sorry I am bouncing all over the place. Just a little nervous about trying something new.
M-31, W32 S12, S9, S8, D3 M 12 Years Bomb dropped: 4/30/12 ("I need to be happy") EA discovered: 5/8/12 W denied PA unsure Moved out 7/6/12
Well, I made it to the family reunion tonight, and no one asked where W was. Kind of strange. I smiled alot, but unfortunately D3 wasn't feeling well and started running a fever, so we had to leave early. Unfortunately, now I am sitting in the house with the kids wondering what she is doing. Like W said to me when I promised I would change..."You can't just flip a switch." I guess it is the same way with detaching.
M-31, W32 S12, S9, S8, D3 M 12 Years Bomb dropped: 4/30/12 ("I need to be happy") EA discovered: 5/8/12 W denied PA unsure Moved out 7/6/12
